*insert title here*

my friends asked me, “when is the next blog coming?” so many times. i just didn’t feel like writing about anything. i haven’t felt like sharing much for a while, because sometimes, opening up about being sad, frustrated or simply tired of life makes me feel… lame.

after the post “a broken heart” when i shared so many vulnerabilities, i slowly began to feel better. i don’t know if sharing this particular post will help me get better or not, but one thing is for sure, writing helps me clear my mind.

i must confess i don’t have the same passion for camming i had in the past, i spent all morning today trying to figure out what the hell is wrong, why do i feel so drained by the cam world, when i haven’t been online for almost 2 weeks? is this something that happens to everyone no matter what kind of work you do? do people get just sick of it?

i thought i was going to be mentally refreshed after my break, but i’m not. i thought the first day back, i was going to fall in love with my job again, but i didn’t. i realized i’ve been feeling like this for a while now. why? why did i stop trying? what’s going on? lately i don’t feel like connecting with anyone, seeing my “work phone” causes me so much stress and anxiety for apparently no reason, it gets me very confused. this is not me.

i’ve been inside my room with the curtains closed for a few days now, i don’t feel like doing anything. such a bummer huh? i took today off to rest my mind and “get my shit together” type of thing, but then i started feeling worse, all sad, hard to talk to type of person. *yuck*

i don’t know what’s next, or how to get out of this hole but i’ll figure it out. i always do and will keep doing it every time i get into these “dark periods”. i’m sharing this today because i know there’s a lot of people out there that care about me. this somehow is a way for me to express and remind you that i’m not upset and if i seem quiet or distant it is because of everything going on in my mind.

you guys give me so much love and support through thick and thin, and never, not even for a second i’ve felt lonely or misunderstood, i’m just tired of myself (i hope that makes sense) not tired of my friends. you all are my family. the people i’ve met through the years on the site have changed my live completely, for that… i’m grateful everyday.

i know i haven’t been in my best shape mentally, (physically yes because my butt is looking good lol), but i feel there’s so much more i can give, after all, in my humble opinion, having fun is the whole point of this thing called life. making others happy, bringing something positive to the people around you and enjoying the ride, we’re not here for long after all.

to close up this post, i’d like to share with you that on June 3rd after some thinking (more like by impulse like every big decision i’ve made in my life) i decided to go back to university, to study the subject i’ve been passionate about since i can remember. i feel hopeful for the days to come, and in my heart i know the new direction my life is taking is going to add up in my career as an entertainer.

thank you for reading.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Mr. Man

Not long ago I met Mr. Man, it was one of those days online when everything seemed to be going absolutely perfect. I was feeling as sexy as ever, had all my friends online and new people were joining. I was beyond happy, inspired to give out my best. Mr. Man spent all his night in my room and joined one of my clubs. I was incredibly grateful but not too impressed. He could be one of those people that come and go so I didn’t give him much attention. When I finished my shift I had a bath, as usual. Spent the evening looking after myself and relaxing.

During the following days Mr. Man kept coming to my room the second I would get online, I felt pretty awesome about that to be honest. He never talked much but seemed to enjoy himself, he purchased on my profile an app to talk to me outside cam and slowly he began to win my interest, he gave me the impression of a fascinating man, there was something about him, I just wanted to know him better.

We started talking a bit outside the chatroom, he was very respectful about my personal time, he never messaged too much or at weird times. I liked that a lot, he never appeared needy. I became intrigued and every time I saw him online we ended up talking about really deep stuff. He opened up about his issues with depression for many years, I was very touched. Mr. Man would always thank me for making his life better, he kept saying how grateful he was for being a part of my life and… the feeling was mutual. I was very pleased to have him around too. We were good for each other.

One night he told me how close he was about taking his own life because of an argument he had with a cam girl the previous year. I just couldn’t understand how such an amazing person would even think about such a thing. The more he told me, the more I realized he got majorly taken advantage of by this girl. I was so upset I punched pillows every time I thought about what he told me, I felt rage as if what happened to him happened to my brother or someone I love deeply. My heart shrunk when I knew my friend who now I care about so much went through such a horrible experience. I became extremely protective of him. I guess all I wanted was to make things right for him. In a way I wanted to fix it and make him forget about it. He works from home and doesn’t have any friends besides people on cam sites so my instinct was to “make it up to him” and THAT’S when things went down hill.

I have been on this business for over 6 years and after a few experiences I’ve learned to protect myself, I’m aware of how emotional and empathetic I am, so no matter what I always try to have a wall around me until I know the other person better. Somehow I tore the wall down for Mr. Man, I let him walk in on a red carpet with flashing lights, giving him power over my emotions and feelings. I wish I knew the exact day or minute things got messy, I had a few weeks of mental torture wondering what went wrong and why. I lost hours of sleep just trying to figure him out, I stopped relaxing after cam time and spent the little energy I had left on searching for ways to make him feel good.

I was concerned about him, I went the extra mile and repeatedly went out of my way to be there for him, even when I was too busy or exhausted. I let him decide the rules, texting him stuff like –“Please let me know if I’m texting a lot”- or -“I hope you don’t get bored of me being too much”- I mean, come on? (I’m face palming myself as I write this). It is embarrassing the person I became to please him, I felt like I owed him something.

There I was in the same position I was before I started my journey as a camgirl, feeling insecure and overcompensating by giving him extra, giving him things he never asked for. Every day I’d wear the outfits I knew he liked just to make him smile, perhaps to see if he’d notice I was trying for him, sadly the more I tried the less interest he showed. I spent most of my energy and time wondering what I could be doing wrong, went to my phone and read our conversations over and over trying to find an answer but nothing. I was beyond confused, one night I got online because I couldn’t sleep to read our conversations on MyFreeCams from the beginning to find out when “I fucked things up”, because in my mind it couldn’t have been him who did anything wrong, but I found nothing besides me trying too hard with messages to make him happy and him getting more distant by the day.

Do you know when you meet a person you really like and they like you back and life becomes a joyful experience? You start feeling more attractive, you feel smarter, confident all ready to conquer the world? You are EMPOWERED because you start seeing yourself with the eyes of who’s loving you… well, Mr. Man managed to pull out the insecure weak person out of me, I began to feel empty. When I couldn’t take it anymore I texted him the typical long message telling him how I felt and asking if things were ok. I just wanted a little feed back from him, reassurance perhaps? (I did this at least a couple of times) It was heart breaking seeing how he always answered things along the lines of: -“I’m here aren’t I? If I didn’t like you I’d be somewhere else”- as if his presence only was supposed to be enough or if a friendship is based on sitting next to someone to say absolutely nothing. I found it very insulting but let it pass many times with the excuse of “someone damaged him” or “soon enough he’ll open up and everything will be alright”.

I’m confident to say that I have never during my career as a camgirl tried so hard with a person, or became so protective or attached. I had a hard time understanding my feelings.

On January 1st when I saw Mr. Man online I decided to stop giving him any attention and keep focusing on my friends and my goals for the year, didn’t take me more than 15 minutes to break down (without him saying a word) explaining myself to him and I deliberately told him I decided to “stop trying” with him. I explained that I’d had enough and I was tired of feeling like I was begging him for a friendship, because it literally felt like that almost every day. I realized that he was the kind of person that wouldn’t have noticed if you disappeared out of nowhere so I guess, I wanted to make sure he KNEW what was going on. I politely asked him if he wanted to talk, I’d appreciate if he did it first, at least sometimes and repeatedly said how much I cared for him and his happiness and I didn’t want to be a burden.

That’s the last time me and Mr. Man talked, he logged off quickly after telling me he’d try to talk more and told me he was going to see me the next day. That was it! He never came back and never texted again. I waited a week and after no replied I deleted his number and moved on. I grabbed the steering wheel of my life and it feels pretty damn good.

I believed for many weeks this whole situation was about Mr. Man. I’ve been busy feeling worthless and weak I forgot what a badass I truly am. So NO, this is not about him and never was. This situation it’s about ME and it was a friendly reminder from life to stop giving other people control of my life and emotions. It could have been him or anyone else, it’s a lesson that keeps showing up in my life and I guess sometimes we need the lessons to repeat a couple of times before “we get it”. Feeling disrespected and taken for granted triggered deep issues from my childhood, but that’s ok. I love and accept my past because it made me who I am today.

Mr. Man lives his life at peace, I admire a person that cares only about himself (I truly do). Unfortunately or fortunately… that’s not in my nature. I will NOT close the gates to anyone who ever needs a friend or someone to rely on, and I love myself for that. I accept my truth that I am a loving and caring person, I keep repeating in my head that it’s ok to love people and it’s ok to be empathetic, as long as I keep filling my cup first things will be good. I am happy to say I’m strong enough to stay who I am no matter what life throws at me. So if anyone anywhere is going through something similar, know you’re not alone. I promise loving yourself first is the best gift you can give out to the world.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

The Storm… after The Storm.

It has been almost three months since I last wrote here, I’ve been meaning to, but kept putting it aside. Lately I’ve come to the realization that it is difficult for some people to do the things that make them happy (I know I’m guilty of that). Such a strange thing to do, I wonder if deep down we don’t believe we deserve any joy, I mean why would anyone procrastinate doing the stuff that feels good? Just think for a moment about the last time you did something for yourself, how often do you do anything that truly brings you joy? Feels like it’s so easy to fall into the trap of living our lives for other people (which is not all bad of course) but it becomes a problem, when we take from ourselves to give to others. “You gotta have your cup full, overflowing before you can give to others”, a lesson life keeps giving me over the years and I finally understand.

So, catching up… you must know the minute I clicked “publish” on my last post I started to feel better, it felt like letting go of a rope that I’ve been holding for an eternity, it almost felt as if the darkness went away. The following days seemed brighter, I got so much feedback from my friends and lovely strangers on the internet, feeling you, reading your comments absolutely had an impact in how I saw myself. We become what the people surrounding us say we are, and those words have a bigger impact when coming from those we love, and for those kind words I want to thank many of you.

Every single person that reached out helped me to get better, my closest friends blinded me with light so hard I couldn’t feel darkness anymore. I started to meet more people in my chatroom and all of a sudden had the desire to celebrate my birthday. I planned a party on the first day of Spring in New Zealand (September 23rd) and to be completely honest, the excitement from the people in my chatroom made me feel alive again. I was back in the game, THE STORM was back, I could see in the mirror again that happy Sofia people knew, after a long time I was finally looking forward for something.

After that overload of excitement I started to focus on the good things of life and talking again to my old good friends… the right people kept showing up, there’s so much love and care on a site designed for adult entertainment. I realized I locked myself out and was in the darkness by choice, maybe life was tough a few of months ago, but I could feel the hands of so many people over the internet lifting me up, reminding me of who I was and most importantly making me feel loved when I couldn’t love myself.

Perhaps I haven’t taken the time to write about my experiences with online friends, reading back the pages of my diary, I realized that not everyone visiting camsites are there to drain you or take a piece of you, as I used to think back in the day. Truth is, most of the people I’ve had the pleasure to know have so much love inside that they want to share with someone from the comfort of their homes. I tear up every time I think about the people that literally made me a part of their daily routine, we sit down, talk, drink, dance and share our lives on a deeper level than I have ever done with any friend in person. If you are reading this and you come to my chatroom, dude seriously… THANK YOU!! I will never take for granted how much time, energy and money you’ve invested in me, and yeah! MONEY is a big part of it, let’s not talk BS, without your financial support I wouldn’t be able to live the life I live, I deeply appreciate being able to pay rent, buy food and… one little luxury every once in a while hehehe.

So, finishing up, I just want to say one thing I’ve learned over the years, is that whatever you focus on, you will attract to your life. I’ve made peace with my past, my poor decisions and the minute I started counting my blessings A.K.A whatever is going absolutely great and fantastic in my life, the worry, the pain, the regret goes away. Life is such a wonderful learning experience and nothing makes me happier than sharing it here with you.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

A broken heart.

I never intended for this blog to become a sad place, but the more time passes, the more clarity I get that things haven’t been the same since Simona passed away. I can confidently say that I haven’t been truly happy ever since and things don’t seem to go my way no matter how much I try. It’s like a huge dark cloud covered me that August and stuck around and I can’t see the world with clarity.

Let me tell you something about my mourning, during that time I started to watch a lot of motivational videos. I got involved with a community that feeds each other with inspirational messages, encouragement and support. I guess all I wanted back then was to feel supported and loved. I found a group of people that provided that. I attended a few conferences with them across the U.S. and got very involved with the whole personal development thing.  These groups have a way to make you believe something is wrong with you and you need their help to improve yourself.

I don’t want to get much into detail, but I can assure you I was mentally unstable and going through a major depression after my loss. Many of my supporters on MyFreeCams walked away and I was feeling more miserable every day. Being around the people of this group made me feel special, it became my safe space. During one of the conferences I hired a “Personal Development Coach” and a “Business Coach”, I wanted my life back so bad that I spent a big part of my savings with this company, at the time it seemed like they were my only hope.

Between August and November 2017 I gave away nearly $50,000 USD hoping to get my life together, but it was only the beginning of a disappointing trip that left me with almost nothing. I still feel ashamed about my poor decisions, I’ve read multiple personal development books in my life and learned many valuable lessons. Some of the books recommend getting a coach to improve and I always wondered about it, sadly my experience with that was not a good one.

The months went by and in February I had everything packed to move to New Zealand. I wanted to be away from everything and everyone. I’m not going to lie, by then I was sick of the U.S. and wanted to be somewhere else where I felt safe.

I didn’t have much when I got here, besides Jaco, his huge crate, my laptop & webcam, 2 bags of clothes and a broken heart. I stayed with some family members for a few weeks and not long after I got my own place, as you all know, I like being by myself.

New Zealand became my “land of the free”, I moved to a city where I knew nobody and it was the place where I finally experienced real freedom, it is the place where I started discovering myself.

In August 2018 after 6 months of living here, I had a trip to Mexico scheduled with the people of the motivational group that was already paid for. I made up my mind about not participating in any of their activities. To be honest, I just felt like I got taken advantage of at a very vulnerable moment but I didn’t wanted to waste the $11,000 that I paid for the trip.

Traveling from New Zealand to pretty much anywhere is a mission, I wanted to make it worth it so I purchased some tickets to go to Colombia to see my family after the trip to Mexico. Seeing my loved ones was something I was looking forward too for months.

The trip to Mexico ended up being a life changing experience that got me thinking a lot. I spent most of my time there writing in my diaries and meditating. I have never in my life spent so much time loving myself, when you love yourself the world suddenly changes. I became creative, I started attracting really wonderful people that were also at the Resort, it was a whole week in heaven. The whole time there I felt like I was on a cloud, I was happy for absolutely no reason, able to spend time with myself.

The day I left that magical place, I wasn’t sad. I was excited to finally see my family, to get my favorite food again and to spend time with the people I love the most. I arrived to Bogotá on a Sunday morning, most of my family were at my parents house waiting for me with the most wonderful thing in the world: “Caldo de costilla con arepas” it has been my favorite food since I remember.

The first few days in Colombia were nice, but the more time passed there, the more uncomfortable I started to feel. I’m not quiet sure how to explain what happened, but it was like the whole 11 days I was there I felt sick, breathing was painful and I got an enormous weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid of. The city seemed so dirty, so crowded that it broke my heart knowing all my family is there. During my stay, 3 members of my family got horribly robbed on the streets, one of them was my little brother who got a knife held to his stomach as they took away all his money when he was about to enter his University in a nice area in Bogotá around 7:00am.

I wasn’t allowed to drive, to go out by myself or even take my phone with me when I went out, in a way it felt like my freedom was taken away. The fear was back and I got a reminder of what my life was like a few years ago. I can’t help but think things have gotten worse since I left. I cried myself to sleep so many nights while I was there, I saw so many homeless people, so many street dogs, so much poverty and people that struggle to make a living and not much I could do.

Frustration is the word I’ll use to describe my feelings during the whole time I was there. I couldn’t see how things could get better and it broke my heart not having the strength to stay and try make things better. My visit to Colombia was painful. When I said bye to my family I mentioned I might not return for a while, but I made up my mind… I don’t ever want to go back. Does this make me a shit person? I felt so unhappy being there, even though I did all my favorite things, it just felt wrong to be there. I was counting down the days to leave as I felt I was only feeding myself with negativity.

When I boarded the plane to do my stop in LAX, I promised myself that I would leave all the negativity behind and would start focusing only on the good things that life has to offer, I already spent enough time crying and being frustrated over something I couldn’t change at the time.

I arrived to the U.S. excited, feeling hope for what is about to come and got stopped by an immigration officer that treated me the way you’d treat the worst criminal. It was my first negative experience entering the U.S. the humiliation I went through for absolutely no reason was heartbreaking. I’ve spent days and nights crying since I got home. I am not ready to talk about what happened at LAX, but I just feel like having a Colombian passport gives you a red flag. What gives them the right to believe you’re a criminal just because of the country you were born? I made up my mind to never go back to the U.S. after the horrible experience I went through, it was unjustified and absolutely unnecessary.

I can barely recognize myself after this trip, I feel like I can’t pick up the pieces and put myself together and today I realized this is how I’ve been feeling deep down for over a year. When does this stop? What if I never get to be truly happy again? Who am I? Is this the new me? Does anybody understand how I feel?

Pretending to be ok while I’m online is getting tough, there are so many dark thoughts I’ve been having and I don’t know how to stop them. The only time I truly get a sense of peace is when I fantasize about my heart stopping, like there’s nothing in this world that could make me feel happy or excited ever again.

I miss myself. I need myself. If anyone has the answer in “how to find yourself” let me know.