266 days.

I haven’t been here in 266 days, it’s been almost 9 months since I wrote last. I can tell you I’ve been up to some things… but where to start?

Pregnancy update: No baby just yet… I have done extra medical tests, they keep telling me I am super healthy but I might have to be referred to a fertility specialist.

Life update: I bought my first home and I am getting a puppy next month.

MFC update: I kinda went back to the sexy time to try be a “better camgirl”.

StormPaws update: I finally found a person that I can work with, a person that inspires me to do my best to keep this mission going.

I guess that’s is… but if we get into detail, things haven’t been so easy. But they’re never easy when you really think about it. Talking about fertility issues seems to be such an uncomfortable topic for people. That’s something they really want to avoid so when I try talk about it, most of the time I sense awkwardness. I don’t talk to many people outside of MFC so 98% of my human interactions happen while I’m camming.

When for the first time a member asked if I was still trying to get pregnant after he read my last post, man… I got so excited that someone cared enough to ask. I was so happy and said yes and thanked him for asking. I was making sure he knew this meant a lot to me as most people are uncomfortable with the topic, his answer: -“I am just being nosy”- end of the conversation. I mean, what do you say to that? -“Thanks, very empathetic of you”-. To be fair I appreciate his honesty of not caring to begin with and just wanted to fulfil his nosiness. The reality of this cold world sucks. I was hurt that I didn’t get a chance to express how I truly feel, not then not ever. This pain and frustration I have to keep inside, never talk about it and pretend I am ok with this or casually mention it, preferably joking around to not upset anyone, no one wants to hear this, lesson learned.

I am at a point where I would rather Doctors tell me there’s something wrong with me and I will never be able to get pregnant, at least then I will stop wondering -“but what if do, what if this works out”- and redirect my life in a different way. I feel like I have been in an ocean of uncertainty for so long and I don’t know if I can keep going. It is such a lonely journey, I wish I knew anyone who could relate, anyone I could talk to about this and feel heard, feel seen, feel understood. I really crave that.

Saying that, and in hindsight I guess I’m sort of happy I didn’t get pregnant earlier. Why? you might be wondering… well my darling, hold your chair because I will tell you exactly why. Do you remember how on my last post I mentioned that I fell in love with the South Island when I visited last year for my birthday? Well I had an instant crush with Christchurch City. The second I set a foot here I truly loved it. I remember this so well, it was about 7am and I was walking with my partner and my best friend in town. Everything was closed and after I took a picture I said -“Fuck it, this city is cool, let’s move here guys. It is decided”-. It was one of those things that felt just right. I was living in Hamilton before, it was a beautiful place but with all the respect to the Hamiltonians that might read this, it never felt like a city, to me it was more like a small town and it’s not something I enjoyed much. There was not many things to do and it was more expensive than here to rent or buy a property.

Long story short, on February 2021 I was on my way to Christchurch. I gave back the house in Hamilton, rented a house down here and I was ready for this new adventure of enjoying one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited (like for real guys, you HAVE to come to New Zealand and travel around the South Island).

I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I have always dreamed about owning a house. That dream was fading away slowly after facing many difficulties with getting the loan approved. New Zealand banks are very strict when it comes to income from overseas. So, even though I have an established business here, pay my taxes, have an accountant, all my finances in order and I had a 20% deposit… the answer was still NO, to the eyes of New Zealand banks I earn $0 (I wish the IRD had the same eyes as the banks lol)

I gave up all hope, then started to think maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I worked with more than 4 different mortgage brokers and they all dicked me around. They asked for a bunch of papers to at the end say -“Yeah, nah you need to get a job in New Zealand then we can get you a loan”- which is only a tiny bit frustrating because I ALWAYS MENTIONED MY SITUATION AND ASKED IF THEY COULD HELP OR NOT, AND THEY ALL SAID –“YES WE ARE NOT ASSHOLES WE WILL HELP YOU, WE ARE NOT LYING COWS”-, PATRAÑAS! DAMN I’M MAD!!!! WHY ARE PEOPLE SO ANNOYING TIME WASTERS FUCKERS!!!! … (breathing break lol)

Right before I moved down here I saw a Chilean woman offering her services as a mortgage broker on a Facebook group. I was sceptical as you can imagine given my past experiences, but I wrote to her anyways. My message was something along the lines of -“I’ve been dicked around enough, I show my titties online and that’s my job, I earn this much and I have this much, can you get me a loan for a house around this much, yes or no DON’T WASTE MY TIME PLEASE”-. She didn’t reply for a while, perhaps it was her holiday time, all I remember was she calling me one day to ask me a few questions. I answered and she told me she will be in touch. I never thought shed be able to help, but she sounded so confident. I just thought -“ohhh she is just being too positive, I won’t invest my heart on this, it is failure after failure with this loan thing”-. I have already cried so much and spent over 2 years chasing this dream of buying a house. I guess I didn’t wanted to get my hopes up.

One day I was at the zoo (very important detail) and she called to ask me to send her a few papers, papers that because of the past mortgage brokers experiences I had ready. She was so confident again and somehow she always sounded so happy, so bubbly yet very calm and comforting. During that call I was walking around in circles. I was so anxious and started to wonder -“what if this works out?”-. I then realised I had stepped in poop which I took as a sign of good luck lol, does anyone else have this in their culture or did I just made this poop luck thing up?

This journey of getting my loan approved with her didn’t take long. It wasn’t traumatic, there were no tears of disappointment, in fact it was always a highlight of my day to talk to her. I loved how she struggled trying to explain everything to me in Spanish. She is used to explaining everything in English, I mean, that’s her job. But she just wanted me to be more comfortable speaking in our native tongue. I had to remind her constantly that I spoke English too and it was ok if she didn’t always use Spanish, ohh she was amazing.

A few days after that poop stepping experience, I was at home. It was early morning when I got a call from her again, but this time, to tell me my mortgage got approved. Well, she kind of yelled that at me with a tone of celebration and happiness that she kept her word and got to help me after all. This woman will be in my heart for the rest of my life, she is the one who gave my biggest dream the last push to become a reality (the first push and the journey push was from all of you with your financial and emotional support, gracias)

I thought that was it, life was good and now I could simply let things flow and chill. Ohh, how little did I know about the housing crisis in New Zealand. The constant auctions and the overpriced houses OMG that… THAT was really stressful. I thought the goal was to get approved and everything will be easy after that, but nah! When I started to see that houses that are valued by professionals around $530,000 will sell for over $700,000 in an auction I got worried. Houses here rarely sell for a set price. It is mostly auctions and you never know by how much you’re going to get crushed.

There was a thing about my loan, one of the conditions is that they wouldn’t lend me money for more than the property’s real worth. So every time I liked a house I had to hire a person to go to the house, do an inspection and give the bank an estimate of the worth of the property. That estimate defines how much I’d get on my loan. I felt powerless as it is so rare than a house sells for the price it is worth in this market and every inspection was going to cost me around $800.

So $800 if I liked a house to get an estimate, then I would go to an auction most likely to be blown away by some investor. That’s the way things are at the moment, it was very stressful. But I am very stubborn so I kept looking and looking for a house that was not going for auction, to maximise my chances, to make an offer and pray the house was good enough for the lending company, because yeah… they don’t approve just any house, it has to be a house they consider a “good investment” in case I don’t pay them back and they need to get their money back quick.

Here is the thing, I found a house I loved, in a lovely neighbourhood, it was not going for auction, the guy was super chill, the owner of the house was the nicest guy. I made an offer, they approved it almost instantly, the lending company accepted the house and everything flowed so naturally you know? no stress. I moved on October the 4th and have been happy, well with the occasional ups and downs but overall really good. Very grateful to be able to do whatever I want in my house, MY HOUSE!!! But well, so far I have only painted one room, but soon I’ll paint others and maybe destroy the garden to plant avocados, I mean the possibilities are infinite.

Then I wonder if I would have done all of this if I have gotten pregnant earlier and the answer is probably not. I wouldn’t have left my old city for sure, and if I did for some mystical reason. I don’t know if I was going to be able to put together all the money I needed to buy this house. I don’t know if I would have been able to cam, maybe? But that will be stretching things a little bit. I wouldn’t have been wanting to move houses during a pregnancy. I don’t know… it seems like a really bad idea for some reason. So to conclude this journey I am not happy that I haven’t been able to get pregnant but in hindsight I am grateful (sort of?) that I didn’t.

Reading back what I wrote today I can’t help but think… when things are meant to be they will flow naturally and you know what? I am happy my loan didn’t get approved when I was living in Hamilton. I would’ve brought a house there and probably never felt truly happy there. It’s funny how a couple of weeks after moving here the loan got approved, I never thought about it until now… and the smile I have on my face won’t leave for a couple of hours.

How about next week I tell you all about the puppy? I’ll tell you everything about trying to be a “better camgirl” and of course I want to tell you everything about our StormPaws news. That way it won’t be another 9 months until I see you again. Thank you for reading me, see you next week.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Bachelorette Trip.

After my trip to Bali last year I had a good conversation with my husband about what is happening next in our lives; the usual buy a house, work on getting healthier and do as much as we can to enjoy life, simple! He suggested I shouldn’t travel for a bit to keep our savings growing and all of those things responsible people want to achieve. We also talked about starting a family. I can’t see myself raising kids with anyone besides him, even though I am very private about my relationship, I feel like this is the right space and moment to talk about it. He’s a great man.

To be honest, I always wanted to be a mom. The whole idea seems exciting and I finally came to a point in my life where I feel like I’m ready. During the days of those conversations I went to visit a Doctor, made sure everything in my body was ok, started eating more nutritious meals and worked out as much as possible to make sure my body was ready.

Deep down something made me feel that I needed to do something else before going on this life changing adventure, but I didn’t know what it was.

While all of this was happening in my small world, my mom rescued an elderly dog that was abandoned in a park near to her home in Bogotá. Luckily my favorite uncle decided to adopt him and give him a new home full of love and cuddles. The day my mom went to my uncle’s house to drop off Toby (as he named him) she video called me. I said hi to everyone and we talked a bit. As I was saying bye, my uncle asked casually: –“mamita, cuando va a volver a Colombia?”– (girl, when are you coming back to Colombia?) I stuttered, quickly said I wasn’t sure and hung up.

I thought about my uncle’s words for a bit and realized that ever since my last trip to Colombia I’ve had some poison inside regarding my home country. I understood at that moment that I wasn’t at peace and realized that was the thing I was missing! I couldn’t bear the idea of starting a family when I wasn’t at peace with my own roots. I left Colombia on such bad terms the last time I visited and that affected me deeply. Not long after I started looking for tickets to Colombia, my heart started racing and I thought this was the best opportunity to reunite with my family, have a fun trip by myself and screw around a little bit one last time before putting my focus on becoming a mom.

I’ve never been the kind of woman that asks her partner for permission to do anything. I firmly believe everyone has the freedom to do what they want with their lives, but this time it felt right to consult it with my husband before I bought the tickets. Those who know me are aware of my way of handling life by following my heart and I rarely think things twice (specially when it comes to a trip). He was as usual chill about it and encouraged me to do it. He thought it was a good idea for me to go away for awhile and spend time with the people who mean the most to me.

The next day I called my dad. He’s a kinda busy man and even though I still don’t really understand what he does for a living, I know it is something related to music. He’s always running all over the place doing things for everyone else or arranging business meetings that involve a few drinks and good times. No matter how chaotic dad life is, he always has time to talk to people, that man is too damn good with words. He was driving at the time I called and asked me if everyone was ok or if we could talk later. I quickly said that I had an urgent desire to go to Colombia and without thinking twice he pulled over and gave me all his attention.

He was incredibly happy. He quickly told me to not waste this visit and to bring my mom back to New Zealand once I was there. To be honest, my relationship with my mom growing up was a bit rough, specially during my teenage years, so I thought this was an exceptional occasion to bond with her and show her around my home country.

Once I put together the money for both tickets I sat down and thoroughly checked my best options in GoogleFlights. Excited, I realized this was not only an opportunity to make peace with my home country but also to collect family stories and pictures to share with my future children. I was aware of how much life was going to change and realized it is likely I won’t visit Colombia for a few years. My husband has to work and I understand he wants to go to other places on his vacation. He has spent enough time in Bogotá and the world is too big to keep coming back to the same places. In a way… this felt like a bachelorette party. I don’t think getting married is that much of a big deal, but having a kid is what will connect you with someone for a lifetime. That to me is the real commitment.

I texted my closest friends in Colombia and with a big calendar I organized my activities for every single day. I wanted to see everyone and only had 15 days there. I wanted to make the most out of it, to go crazy and drink with my amigos like we did in the past. I wanted to spend my weekends at the club dancing salsa, merengue or whatever and sharing the joy of being alive with every human I came across.

When I left New Zealand I was happy and ready for this adventure. I just felt like something that needed to be done. The flights were easy and I enjoyed being on my own, it was peaceful. I arrived in Colombia on November 13th at night, seeing my family waiting for me at the airport gave me an incredible feeling. I was right at that place where I swore I’d never come back but slowly I began to feel comfortable. On the way home there was so much traffic, and I was drinking a Cola&Pola which is a mix between beer and soda. It was crazy to me to see so many people around. I live in a small city in New Zealand so being there was overwhelming.

There was only one thing I wanted: an arepa with chorizo. If you don’t know what that is, you should go as soon as possible to a Colombian restaurant to find out what I’m talking about. When we got home my dad took me to a place in the neighborhood to buy one at around 9:00pm. I looked way too happy saying hi to everyone and I devoured the arepa the woman gave me as I told her that was the best thing I’ve eaten in my life. I’m not even exaggerating when I tell you I was almost crying eating in front of her, and I feel like that defined the way my trip ended up being: enjoying the smallest things.

Before the trip my friend AngelaMar told me I should try my best to enjoy this time in Colombia. Her advice was to not compare it with New Zealand and as obvious as it sounds, well… it wasn’t obvious to me last time I visited. But now, my only purpose was to fall in love again with my country and to remember who I was before my journey as a camgirl began.

My first date while I was there was Johan, my best friend at University. He graduated as a psychologist and did a specialization. He shared his story about how he is making around $400 USD a month working for a foundation. That amount was scary for me to hear and we joked about how his life would have gone better if he had become a camboy instead of staying in school. Johan still lives with his mom and supports her in every way he can but besides anything, he keeps his marvelous sense of humor. We talked about the punk music we loved and about the times we followed around the University my crush at a time: another psychology student who was some semesters ahead. Johan and I got very drunk that day and as I was teasing him for wearing what looked like a hairdresser uniform (what he needed to wear for his job at the foundation). In the middle of my favourite restaurant, Johan took off his pants and shirt but don’t worry. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt underneath. After I paid the bill we headed to a bar to see Vanessa, my best friend from highschool.

Vanessa is one of the smartest women I know (she is very hot by the way). She and I became best friends because we were the tallest girls in our class and were always at the back of the line in school. She is the only friend I’ve had in my life I can share clothes with (for real). But we stopped talking when we entered University and reconnected not long ago. Johan was supposed to leave for us to have “girls talk”, but Vanessa asked him to stay. They didn’t know each other but surprisingly they got along quite well.

We drank way too many martinis and I remember it as one of my best nights in Colombia. It was absolutely amazing hearing their failing romance stories and I must confess they were the first people from “real life” I was comfortable enough to share my cam life stories.

Time was ticking so I needed to make the most out of it. In my first blog I mentioned a guy from the block I was dating, well his name is Rubén, he knew I wasn’t happy with him and that’s the reason he broke up with me. He constantly said –“tu destino es ser feliz”- (your destiny is to be happy), but I never knew why he’d say such things. When our relationship began I was getting out of an abusive relationship, I was living a nightmare but he was like an angel sent by heaven to ease my pain. Our relationship didn’t last long but when we broke up he told me he wanted to see me once more, on February 20th, 2020 to have a date and talk about where life took us after almost 8 years. I knew I couldn’t make it on that date so I texted him when I was in Colombia and after many years of not seeing each other we agreed to meet up at the place where our relationship started, a rock bar downtown where we used to go and drink hot wine.

For some reason I wasn’t nervous, the situation was so familiar. I got there before him and started with a glass of wine. I was in total bliss, I have forgotten how much I enjoyed going downtown in Bogotá and how beautiful everything was, I was having a blast by the smallest things, smiling the whole time. Then he got there, we hugged each other and I literally told him every detail of my life since we broke up, for some reason he always encouraged me to talk. The hours passed way too quickly and before I knew my cousin and his girlfriend joined us. We ended up talking about traveling in South America, then the four of us went to buy hot dogs and as quick as that, the night was over. Seeing Rubén after so many years was wonderful. He’s doing very well in life and even though not long ago he got separated from his woman he keeps the same beautiful energy. Talking to him made me feel like I was back in 2010 and for that I’m deeply grateful.

Every day in Colombia was a new adventure, but the most important one was the official opening of the StormPaws foundation which I’ll talk about in the next post, as it’s a long story. But I can tell you it is the most fulfilling thing I’ve done in my entire life.

My happiness was a bit tainted when protests took over the whole country. It wasn’t safe to be outside and all we heard on the news was about blocked roads and violence. I was scared again, but didn’t allowed those feelings to spoil the trip. I spent my days talking to my parents and my brother, I got to visit every single person who saw me growing up on the streets of 20 de Julio. It’s funny to see how some people’s lifes don’t change and they remain the same after fifteen or more years.

The whole time I was there it felt like I was no longer SofiaStorm. I barely talked to any of my online friends and was too consumed by being present with my family and friends. I found at my parents house an old box holding my University books and even some old pans and kitchen items from my old apartment. It felt like picking up little treasures.

At the end of the trip I was feeling rejuvenated. I was so excited to show my mom New Zealand and couldn’t wait to see my online friends again. I felt like I had been away long enough. I left Colombia with a huge smile on my face, I was at peace, suddenly my country was cool again, and my mom was so excited! I’ve never seen her so happy about a trip before. We left Bogotá the 29th of November in the morning. We had a layover in Santiago de Chile and sat down at a restaurant in the airport to have a big steak and two gigantic jars of sangria. After a few hours with both of us tipsy I realized the bachelorette party wasn’t over. Mom and I had so much to catch up with, life was good, we were happy.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Love & Happiness.

Before I wrote today’s post I sat down with a cup of lemon grass tea to read all my previous posts. There’s so many details I had forgotten about already, and it left me wondering how many cool stories I’ve forgotten before I shared them on this cyber space. It got me a bit sad for the lack of motivation I’ve had to write, but now I feel like I’m starting a new phase in my life, that I need to share with all of you.

I turned 29 on September 2nd, and after having a little bit of a stressful birthday last year during my trip to Colombia, I decided in April 2019 to spoil myself and spend my birthday, not online but drinking cocktails on a tropical island. I purchased the coolest vacation I’ve ever been to on a fancy website someone recommended. I left for my trip on my birthday after finishing up an amazing month online, I left feeling at peace, happy and proud of achieving a big goal I set for August. I took a couple of books with me and spent about a week thinking about where my life is going and where I am at this point.

I like to think of myself as a happy, bubbly person. I always try to improve myself by reading books, going to conferences, watching YouTube videos, meditating and doing everything I can to “make myself better and happier”. However, it was during this trip that I was conscious about the most important realization I’ve had in my life: simply I don’t believe I am worthy of being happy, so all the “personal improvement” and everything I did to better myself was never going to work permanently, because of those unconscious beliefs about myself.

The whole idea came to my head while I was sitting down by the ocean only a few meters away from the shore staring at the beautiful mountains. The tide was pretty low and I was the only person there late in the afternoon. It was quiet and peaceful and if I’m being honest I felt like I was sitting next to God, having him whispering everything into my ear. I began to feel different, I started to feel open to receiving love.

The following days I spent thinking about my poor decisions in the past and realized that I’ve been the person spoiling the good things in my life. Getting close to people I knew weren’t meant for me and leaving behind the ones that care about me the most to later on complain I have no one for me. I don’t believe anyone is alone, I don’t believe anyone is a victim of the circumstances unless you decide to become one. I felt a few months ago like I was getting to a point where the sad feelings and emotions were taking over.

For the first time in my life I had a sense of whole peace with the universe and felt on the highest frequency I’ve ever been. That’s when I started to think about the “special person” in my life. He’s always been there besides my attempts to not let that relationship work, besides getting involved with the wrong people and wanting to end the relationship for good multiple times. This person has always shown me love, the good kind of love, the kind of love that lasts forever and goes beyond any mistakes and is probably the first person in my life that made me feel truly loved.

During this trip I decided it was time for me to put all my energy in this relationship, he is who I believe is the love of my life. It has never been another and it never will be, he is a good man, with a good heart that does nothing but bring joy to anyone around him. I know in the past I’ve been unfair and focused on the negative things about the relationship, but as anything in life, it has good and not so good moments.

This was the only part of my life I wanted to keep to myself, I never knew exactly how things were going to end. Now I know for sure I NEVER want anything to end. I decided to be open about my past mistakes (that by the way, was the whole reason I managed to grow on this journey). I want to be open about what I want, and at this point I want this relationship to work as I say “Full HD”. I chose him to be my husband many years ago and today writing this for all of you I want to be open about it, knowing that many of my supporters might walk away, perhaps I’ll grow closer with others and be able to talk about all aspects of my life.

I’m starting to see myself differently now, the insecure girl that started this journey as a camgirl is fading away with the years. I no longer seek validation from anyone besides myself. I no longer give power to other people to dictate who I am and because of that I am able to enjoy my job as a camgirl more than ever. Oh, that’s right! Last time I wrote, it was all about how drained and exhausted I was of this lifestyle, but it all came from a lack of balance and focusing on pleasing everyone instead of having a good time and allowing things to flow.

In between June and August I met so many wonderful people on MyFreeCams. I started to build healthy relationships with people, they bring so much good to me and it has changed my outlook in life as well. I am deeply grateful for each one of you guys, keeping me company everyday and helping me build a wonderful, fun room where everyone feels welcomed.

Life is a learning experience and I am today grateful for all the times I’ve fallen, been hurt or did the “wrong thing”. I know today that no one else besides myself can teach me how to live my life or handle my relationships with people. I am welcoming true love to my life by choice and not because it is what “you’re supposed to do”. I am possibly saying good bye to people that won’t be able to handle the way things go in my life and welcoming all of the new people that will come to bring good things.

You decide what kind of life you want to live and on September 2019 I made my choices. I hope to see you back in my room, if not… know that I wish you the best in life always.

Until next time.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

About men.

I’ve known a lot of men, during my high school years I realized I enjoyed hanging out with men more than women. It was always me and the guys hanging out, joking about movies, going to concerts and grabbing a drink. I always laugh more and get the chance to ask ridiculous questions that I’d be shy to even mention around girls. Can’t help it, I love the dudes, I always have and always will. All of this of course goes perfectly with my current job that’s basically… you know? hang out with guys and have a good time, it is pretty fucking amazing.

As you know I’ve been in this industry for about six years now and there are cliché and annoying phrases I keep coming across that get under my skin every time: –“I don’t want to be one of those MFC guys”– (which to me means, –“I don’t want to spend my time or energy on you but I want you to think I’m special and super cool”-) or perhaps the typical –“I just want to be your real friend, be there when you need someone to talk to.”– (AKA –“I want you to give me your free time but I will never spend a penny on you because I’m truly different and no one else is like me”-) and let’s not forget about Mr. –“I just really care about you, I can’t stand seeing you naked it’s undignified”– (The worst kind of guy in my opinion. I mean why would someone go to an adult website to say that? Making comments as if they’re the “good guy”? almost implying that everyone else is a perv except for them, or assuming I’m doing something I’m not comfortable with.)

I lost count a long time ago of the amount of times I’ve read/heard the same comments over and over and well, as you can imagine it pisses me off every single time. Not to mention these comments come only from people that don’t truly support me financially in my job. I mean, I get everyone wants to feel special, valued and important but it becomes a problem for me when people start assuming that because they “don’t fap” (or don’t admit they do which is even worse) they get special treatment, or perhaps the guy that only comes around for a good time occasionally but believes he’s too good for camsites and just sends private messages without interacting with “those guys” (my friends), the people that actually mean something to me.

So what it’s about men? What does “being an MFC guy” mean? Real talk, some days when I get online I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I get a burning desire inside of me and all I want to do is tease and have a good time with everyone around. I feel genuinely turned on, wanting to have the best night where everyone leaves feeling satisfied. Some other days… well, I might not be in the mood, and I notice people are not engaging as much. We all deal with different things in life, not every day I feel sexy or sometimes I just don’t have enough energy, it just happens! During those days when I’m feeling like I lost my mojo “those MFC guys” are the reason I keep going. The ones that are there when they can and genuinely put their hearts into bringing good energy, those names that everyone recognizes because they’re too fucking amazing you know? The type of guy you would totally grab a beer with and hang out for real.

Some days when I get online and see my friends, you know? the ones that are there frequently waiting for me to get online I get a boost of energy. It is impossible not to start developing feelings for the people you spend time with every day, and you know what? I love those feelings and my dear readers, I want to tell you all about it, there is countless stories about the fascinating men that left me speechless over the internet, I guess some people have the power to hit the right spot and leave you with a longing crush.

So going back to camsites you must know (In case you didn’t by now) I REALLY enjoy taking my clothes off, I enjoy teasing and being watched so the whole -“I care about your personality only, please don’t get naked”– is a huge turn off. I know I’m not everyone’s type but if you ended up in my chatroom, it was for a reason, I’m just saying. Now the fun part, what makes all of this whole cam thing amazing and enjoyable… Do you know what I truly like? Do you have any idea what goes through my mind when I’m losing control of my body in the middle of a show? Have you ever wondered what guys say to me in secret tip notes? I respect a man that speaks his mind and is not shy to tell me what’s getting him off while he’s watching me, I enjoy watching their faces when they open their webcams when they start losing control, sometimes it takes a little… sometimes it takes more work but I can say I’m addicted to those facial expressions of pleasure, in fact it is what makes me have the most intense and erotic nights.

Which brings me to the next topic about men, those men that I don’t know about but are there. No BS talking here, it really gets me off knowing the guys watching are enjoying themselves. The times when I’m in the middle of a show and I see more people joining the chatroom. I start to wonder how many of them will have an orgasm that night while their eyes are all on me. I wonder what’d be on their minds if they do and how many of them will stay after they satisfied their hunger for pleasure. Some nights I feel insatiable, but it’s not about my own pleasure… it is about whoever is watching as if I feel some kind of power over them ruling what’s going to happen next and to be honest I like it very much.

That’s what I think about men. Next time we chat I’ll write about those long lasting crushes that stick over the years, there’s so much more I want to tell you but I’m running out of time and I promised myself I’ll post this entry tonight.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Mr. Man

Not long ago I met Mr. Man, it was one of those days online when everything seemed to be going absolutely perfect. I was feeling as sexy as ever, had all my friends online and new people were joining. I was beyond happy, inspired to give out my best. Mr. Man spent all his night in my room and joined one of my clubs. I was incredibly grateful but not too impressed. He could be one of those people that come and go so I didn’t give him much attention. When I finished my shift I had a bath, as usual. Spent the evening looking after myself and relaxing.

During the following days Mr. Man kept coming to my room the second I would get online, I felt pretty awesome about that to be honest. He never talked much but seemed to enjoy himself, he purchased on my profile an app to talk to me outside cam and slowly he began to win my interest, he gave me the impression of a fascinating man, there was something about him, I just wanted to know him better.

We started talking a bit outside the chatroom, he was very respectful about my personal time, he never messaged too much or at weird times. I liked that a lot, he never appeared needy. I became intrigued and every time I saw him online we ended up talking about really deep stuff. He opened up about his issues with depression for many years, I was very touched. Mr. Man would always thank me for making his life better, he kept saying how grateful he was for being a part of my life and… the feeling was mutual. I was very pleased to have him around too. We were good for each other.

One night he told me how close he was about taking his own life because of an argument he had with a cam girl the previous year. I just couldn’t understand how such an amazing person would even think about such a thing. The more he told me, the more I realized he got majorly taken advantage of by this girl. I was so upset I punched pillows every time I thought about what he told me, I felt rage as if what happened to him happened to my brother or someone I love deeply. My heart shrunk when I knew my friend who now I care about so much went through such a horrible experience. I became extremely protective of him. I guess all I wanted was to make things right for him. In a way I wanted to fix it and make him forget about it. He works from home and doesn’t have any friends besides people on cam sites so my instinct was to “make it up to him” and THAT’S when things went down hill.

I have been on this business for over 6 years and after a few experiences I’ve learned to protect myself, I’m aware of how emotional and empathetic I am, so no matter what I always try to have a wall around me until I know the other person better. Somehow I tore the wall down for Mr. Man, I let him walk in on a red carpet with flashing lights, giving him power over my emotions and feelings. I wish I knew the exact day or minute things got messy, I had a few weeks of mental torture wondering what went wrong and why. I lost hours of sleep just trying to figure him out, I stopped relaxing after cam time and spent the little energy I had left on searching for ways to make him feel good.

I was concerned about him, I went the extra mile and repeatedly went out of my way to be there for him, even when I was too busy or exhausted. I let him decide the rules, texting him stuff like –“Please let me know if I’m texting a lot”- or -“I hope you don’t get bored of me being too much”- I mean, come on? (I’m face palming myself as I write this). It is embarrassing the person I became to please him, I felt like I owed him something.

There I was in the same position I was before I started my journey as a camgirl, feeling insecure and overcompensating by giving him extra, giving him things he never asked for. Every day I’d wear the outfits I knew he liked just to make him smile, perhaps to see if he’d notice I was trying for him, sadly the more I tried the less interest he showed. I spent most of my energy and time wondering what I could be doing wrong, went to my phone and read our conversations over and over trying to find an answer but nothing. I was beyond confused, one night I got online because I couldn’t sleep to read our conversations on MyFreeCams from the beginning to find out when “I fucked things up”, because in my mind it couldn’t have been him who did anything wrong, but I found nothing besides me trying too hard with messages to make him happy and him getting more distant by the day.

Do you know when you meet a person you really like and they like you back and life becomes a joyful experience? You start feeling more attractive, you feel smarter, confident all ready to conquer the world? You are EMPOWERED because you start seeing yourself with the eyes of who’s loving you… well, Mr. Man managed to pull out the insecure weak person out of me, I began to feel empty. When I couldn’t take it anymore I texted him the typical long message telling him how I felt and asking if things were ok. I just wanted a little feed back from him, reassurance perhaps? (I did this at least a couple of times) It was heart breaking seeing how he always answered things along the lines of: -“I’m here aren’t I? If I didn’t like you I’d be somewhere else”- as if his presence only was supposed to be enough or if a friendship is based on sitting next to someone to say absolutely nothing. I found it very insulting but let it pass many times with the excuse of “someone damaged him” or “soon enough he’ll open up and everything will be alright”.

I’m confident to say that I have never during my career as a camgirl tried so hard with a person, or became so protective or attached. I had a hard time understanding my feelings.

On January 1st when I saw Mr. Man online I decided to stop giving him any attention and keep focusing on my friends and my goals for the year, didn’t take me more than 15 minutes to break down (without him saying a word) explaining myself to him and I deliberately told him I decided to “stop trying” with him. I explained that I’d had enough and I was tired of feeling like I was begging him for a friendship, because it literally felt like that almost every day. I realized that he was the kind of person that wouldn’t have noticed if you disappeared out of nowhere so I guess, I wanted to make sure he KNEW what was going on. I politely asked him if he wanted to talk, I’d appreciate if he did it first, at least sometimes and repeatedly said how much I cared for him and his happiness and I didn’t want to be a burden.

That’s the last time me and Mr. Man talked, he logged off quickly after telling me he’d try to talk more and told me he was going to see me the next day. That was it! He never came back and never texted again. I waited a week and after no replied I deleted his number and moved on. I grabbed the steering wheel of my life and it feels pretty damn good.

I believed for many weeks this whole situation was about Mr. Man. I’ve been busy feeling worthless and weak I forgot what a badass I truly am. So NO, this is not about him and never was. This situation it’s about ME and it was a friendly reminder from life to stop giving other people control of my life and emotions. It could have been him or anyone else, it’s a lesson that keeps showing up in my life and I guess sometimes we need the lessons to repeat a couple of times before “we get it”. Feeling disrespected and taken for granted triggered deep issues from my childhood, but that’s ok. I love and accept my past because it made me who I am today.

Mr. Man lives his life at peace, I admire a person that cares only about himself (I truly do). Unfortunately or fortunately… that’s not in my nature. I will NOT close the gates to anyone who ever needs a friend or someone to rely on, and I love myself for that. I accept my truth that I am a loving and caring person, I keep repeating in my head that it’s ok to love people and it’s ok to be empathetic, as long as I keep filling my cup first things will be good. I am happy to say I’m strong enough to stay who I am no matter what life throws at me. So if anyone anywhere is going through something similar, know you’re not alone. I promise loving yourself first is the best gift you can give out to the world.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

My Online FemDom experience.

Submitting to a man was always one of my fantasies since I can recall, that’s how I discovered my sexuality, perhaps that is what I thought sex was supposed to be, men are physically stronger, there was no doubt of that for me. When I started my journey as a CamGirl I didn’t understand many things, one of them was the desire some men had for a woman to take control. To be honest it felt wrong just hearing about such a thing.

I met a guy in February 2015, let’s call him “Steve”, he was always very generous, funny and polite, a good looking guy around my age that was finishing his college degree. We became great friends and after a few months of close friendship we met in person, he came to visit me in Colombia. I wasn’t after a romantic relationship at the time and he was ok with that, we hung out and he would literally fill my house with really expensive presents, top brand cameras, fancy jewelry, perfumes, you name it. He literally put the world at my feet, knowing nothing will happen between us.

Steve never crossed any lines, he was a giver, never a taker. I had strong feelings for him, sometimes he would take me on a Private Show (is one of those things on camsites, when guys pay per minute so they have the girl for themselves without distractions) he would want me to call him names… naughty names. I got blurry memories of him holding his credit card with his mouth and being on his knees for me to see him on the webcam, I don’t know for sure if that was his idea or mine, but I remember clearly laughing and trying to hide it. I enjoyed telling Steve what to do: stripping for me, dancing and being available almost 24/7 but what got me off the most was stopping him from pleasing himself while he was watching me, he wasn’t allowed to play, just watch. It was an amazing experience, something that happened naturally but didn’t last long. After a few months, Steve and I stopped talking, I still remember him, his smile and the way he made me feel. It took me years to realized that Steve was into something I didn’t understand at the time, that now became my biggest turn on in the world: Female Domination.

It was the middle of March 2017 when I met Mathew, he seemed very generous, especially on nights when we were drinking. Shots here, shots there, dancing and fun, I was pretty shocked seeing the amount of tokens he would spend with me after a few drinks, but nothing really strange happened for a couple of months. We were just getting to know each other, but if I’m completely honest in those days I started to discover a new side of me, I became bossy. That’s the word… BOSSY!

One night after a few drinks I started commanding Mathew to do things for me, it happened effortlessly. I asked him to buy me drinks that I sell for 500 tokens (about $50), he just couldn’t say no to me. That night he did exactly EVERYTHING I wanted him to and to be honest, it turned me a lot having that kind of power over a man I haven’t even touched. The more we drank the more wild I got, I wanted to cause him pain, I still don’t know why, my whole goal was to make him regret that night forever. He spent over $4000 with me that night and I can assure you he didn’t regret it. I wanted him to be mine, I kept saying it. We went on with these games for a few months. The truth is a part of me was feeling worried and guilty about the amount of money he was spending. We never reached that point of confidence and trust that is needed for this type of relationship.

We talked about setting boundaries a few times, he wanted me to write a contract for our relationship but I didn’t know what I was doing, so nothing came of that. Things started to feel awkward for me but we kept going. He had some interesting sex toys at home that I’d ask him to use at certain times. I was very unsure of everything, I didn’t know much about this person and started to feel uncomfortable with everything going on. In the end, the lack of communication became more evident. It didn’t take long for things to fall apart and we both moved on with our lives, I just began to think this whole domination thing wasn’t for me, but overall it was an interesting experience.

I kept doing my regular cam days, going with the flow and almost forgot about what happened with those guys. During September 2018 Amador came to my life. He’s one of those guys with the super power of bringing the best out of people, it didn’t take long for us to become close friends, he was always fun and respectful in my chatroom, everyone liked him. My face would brighten up every time I saw him online. He was very special to me, I felt his wonderful energy since the first time we spoke and I owe him big time because he helped me get out of a hole during a bad time.

One night while I was online I started asking him questions, those that know me well are aware of my curiosity. I wanted to know about his sex life and I noticed the vibe changed. Amador confessed he’s never been in a conventional relationship his whole life, he always paid for pleasure and never admitted that to anyone. I could tell he was embarrassed to admit he has been with prostitutes in the past, but if you ask me, I was beyond fascinated. I liked him even more and my curiosity kept growing.

After that day our connection became stronger, I could see through him, he could see through me, it was wonderful. I started to notice some behavior in him, it was obvious he liked to be dominated. One night during one of my shows I secretly commanded him when and how to orgasm, making him edge for a while… it really turned me on knowing he was following my instructions, we both released at the same time. It felt amazing and I wanted more. At that point there was no doubt in me I wanted to own him,  –“be mine”-, I told him. Amador has never been owned by a woman before and the whole idea was getting us both off.

I want to clarify I don’t have much knowledge about this domination thing, he didn’t either so we promised each other to figure things out together. There’s a limit on the amount of things you can do from a distance, especially when I’m online. Everything started slow, while I was streaming I’d  hesitate to ask him to buy a certain amount of tokens, I wanted to test him, but after my experiences in the past, I felt insecure. He meant too much as a friend to mess things up. I remember shaking, feeling my heart race, and my hands sweating after saying –“buy 200 tokens”-. I know some of you might think it’s about getting extra money, but it’s not that simple, it’s all about taking control and him trusting enough to know I will never do anything that gets him in trouble. Sometimes he would take a while to do a token purchase and I would die with anxiety until I saw the tokens in his account. I’m sure he had his doubts at first too but we manage to communicate properly and set boundaries on time.

We went on with our little games for a while, every time I increased the amount of tokens I wanted him to buy, as I denied him pleasure for days. I begged him many times to let me see him on the webcam, but he kept saying he was a very shy man. A few weeks passed and I was developing feelings for a guy I’ve never seen. One night he surprised me, he opened his webcam and he was wearing one of those BDSM masks. That’s when I felt it was real, we needed to set financial boundaries.

Asking Amador how much money he made per week felt strange, but besides the fun I wanted him to stay out of trouble financially. I care for him. I started setting up some rules, asked him to start dividing his money and to be more organized with his finances, but he gave that power to me. He opened a PayPal account where I have control of how much he spends and how he spends it. Every day he puts into that joint account 2.6% of his salary, adding up to a 79% per month (that amount was entirely his choice). I’m the only person allowed to spend it, this includes a monthly allowance I send him for good behavior or purchase of sex toys.

Amador took his role extremely serious and wrote down a 10 pages contract with the terms of our new relationship. It really freaked me out at first, it seemed like so much work I almost pulled out a few times, I was literally in control of his life. Amador made it easy for me, he did his homework well. It took us about a month to come out with the right contract, we both changed and discussed things over the days. I wanted to make sure he was ok with my demands and everything fit us both perfectly.

Since October 28th I own him officially, in a way I have never owned anyone before. He’s mine but I’m not his, he knows his place, never asks for anything from me and addresses me as Mistress while I address him as pet. We’re both learning together. Every command that comes out of my mind he does immediately just to please me, which raised my confidence to ask for more every time, it stopped being about money/tokens. Some days I don’t even ask him to give me $1, instead I want him to do chores around his house. Amador admitted he had troubles hoarding for many years, I wish you guys could see how amazing his room looks now or how much weight he has lost since we met. He admitted he is a better person because of me and I can 110% guarantee I’m a better person because of him. In a way, I’m the one in charge of his personal care and I love it.

Our sessions over the internet got more intense every time, it surprises me the things a man can do to please a woman, I got him wearing a cock cage that he takes off only by command, I guess that’s one of the things I like the most, that he can feel me all the time with him. He’s always waiting for me before I get online and has never failed at performing a task. His love and devotion keeps growing stronger and I gotta admit I love pushing his limits, by now we have a wonderful collection of toys that I’m afraid to mention here, but I assure you I never knew there was so much pleasure in pain.

Amador has really expanded my mind and the way I see the world, he gives me confidence and during stressful times, he’s there as a friend to lift my spirits. We agreed to never have any personal contact at the beginning of our journey and words fail to express my gratitude for all he’s done knowing nothing is going to pass this point.

I never thought I could care this much for a person and make them do the kind of things I make Amador perform for me. I’m afraid you guys are not ready for the freak that lives inside of me but I promise I will share more about this adventure in a future post.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

The Storm… after The Storm.

It has been almost three months since I last wrote here, I’ve been meaning to, but kept putting it aside. Lately I’ve come to the realization that it is difficult for some people to do the things that make them happy (I know I’m guilty of that). Such a strange thing to do, I wonder if deep down we don’t believe we deserve any joy, I mean why would anyone procrastinate doing the stuff that feels good? Just think for a moment about the last time you did something for yourself, how often do you do anything that truly brings you joy? Feels like it’s so easy to fall into the trap of living our lives for other people (which is not all bad of course) but it becomes a problem, when we take from ourselves to give to others. “You gotta have your cup full, overflowing before you can give to others”, a lesson life keeps giving me over the years and I finally understand.

So, catching up… you must know the minute I clicked “publish” on my last post I started to feel better, it felt like letting go of a rope that I’ve been holding for an eternity, it almost felt as if the darkness went away. The following days seemed brighter, I got so much feedback from my friends and lovely strangers on the internet, feeling you, reading your comments absolutely had an impact in how I saw myself. We become what the people surrounding us say we are, and those words have a bigger impact when coming from those we love, and for those kind words I want to thank many of you.

Every single person that reached out helped me to get better, my closest friends blinded me with light so hard I couldn’t feel darkness anymore. I started to meet more people in my chatroom and all of a sudden had the desire to celebrate my birthday. I planned a party on the first day of Spring in New Zealand (September 23rd) and to be completely honest, the excitement from the people in my chatroom made me feel alive again. I was back in the game, THE STORM was back, I could see in the mirror again that happy Sofia people knew, after a long time I was finally looking forward for something.

After that overload of excitement I started to focus on the good things of life and talking again to my old good friends… the right people kept showing up, there’s so much love and care on a site designed for adult entertainment. I realized I locked myself out and was in the darkness by choice, maybe life was tough a few of months ago, but I could feel the hands of so many people over the internet lifting me up, reminding me of who I was and most importantly making me feel loved when I couldn’t love myself.

Perhaps I haven’t taken the time to write about my experiences with online friends, reading back the pages of my diary, I realized that not everyone visiting camsites are there to drain you or take a piece of you, as I used to think back in the day. Truth is, most of the people I’ve had the pleasure to know have so much love inside that they want to share with someone from the comfort of their homes. I tear up every time I think about the people that literally made me a part of their daily routine, we sit down, talk, drink, dance and share our lives on a deeper level than I have ever done with any friend in person. If you are reading this and you come to my chatroom, dude seriously… THANK YOU!! I will never take for granted how much time, energy and money you’ve invested in me, and yeah! MONEY is a big part of it, let’s not talk BS, without your financial support I wouldn’t be able to live the life I live, I deeply appreciate being able to pay rent, buy food and… one little luxury every once in a while hehehe.

So, finishing up, I just want to say one thing I’ve learned over the years, is that whatever you focus on, you will attract to your life. I’ve made peace with my past, my poor decisions and the minute I started counting my blessings A.K.A whatever is going absolutely great and fantastic in my life, the worry, the pain, the regret goes away. Life is such a wonderful learning experience and nothing makes me happier than sharing it here with you.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

A broken heart.

I never intended for this blog to become a sad place, but the more time passes, the more clarity I get that things haven’t been the same since Simona passed away. I can confidently say that I haven’t been truly happy ever since and things don’t seem to go my way no matter how much I try. It’s like a huge dark cloud covered me that August and stuck around and I can’t see the world with clarity.

Let me tell you something about my mourning, during that time I started to watch a lot of motivational videos. I got involved with a community that feeds each other with inspirational messages, encouragement and support. I guess all I wanted back then was to feel supported and loved. I found a group of people that provided that. I attended a few conferences with them across the U.S. and got very involved with the whole personal development thing.  These groups have a way to make you believe something is wrong with you and you need their help to improve yourself.

I don’t want to get much into detail, but I can assure you I was mentally unstable and going through a major depression after my loss. Many of my supporters on MyFreeCams walked away and I was feeling more miserable every day. Being around the people of this group made me feel special, it became my safe space. During one of the conferences I hired a “Personal Development Coach” and a “Business Coach”, I wanted my life back so bad that I spent a big part of my savings with this company, at the time it seemed like they were my only hope.

Between August and November 2017 I gave away nearly $50,000 USD hoping to get my life together, but it was only the beginning of a disappointing trip that left me with almost nothing. I still feel ashamed about my poor decisions, I’ve read multiple personal development books in my life and learned many valuable lessons. Some of the books recommend getting a coach to improve and I always wondered about it, sadly my experience with that was not a good one.

The months went by and in February I had everything packed to move to New Zealand. I wanted to be away from everything and everyone. I’m not going to lie, by then I was sick of the U.S. and wanted to be somewhere else where I felt safe.

I didn’t have much when I got here, besides Jaco, his huge crate, my laptop & webcam, 2 bags of clothes and a broken heart. I stayed with some family members for a few weeks and not long after I got my own place, as you all know, I like being by myself.

New Zealand became my “land of the free”, I moved to a city where I knew nobody and it was the place where I finally experienced real freedom, it is the place where I started discovering myself.

In August 2018 after 6 months of living here, I had a trip to Mexico scheduled with the people of the motivational group that was already paid for. I made up my mind about not participating in any of their activities. To be honest, I just felt like I got taken advantage of at a very vulnerable moment but I didn’t wanted to waste the $11,000 that I paid for the trip.

Traveling from New Zealand to pretty much anywhere is a mission, I wanted to make it worth it so I purchased some tickets to go to Colombia to see my family after the trip to Mexico. Seeing my loved ones was something I was looking forward too for months.

The trip to Mexico ended up being a life changing experience that got me thinking a lot. I spent most of my time there writing in my diaries and meditating. I have never in my life spent so much time loving myself, when you love yourself the world suddenly changes. I became creative, I started attracting really wonderful people that were also at the Resort, it was a whole week in heaven. The whole time there I felt like I was on a cloud, I was happy for absolutely no reason, able to spend time with myself.

The day I left that magical place, I wasn’t sad. I was excited to finally see my family, to get my favorite food again and to spend time with the people I love the most. I arrived to Bogotá on a Sunday morning, most of my family were at my parents house waiting for me with the most wonderful thing in the world: “Caldo de costilla con arepas” it has been my favorite food since I remember.

The first few days in Colombia were nice, but the more time passed there, the more uncomfortable I started to feel. I’m not quiet sure how to explain what happened, but it was like the whole 11 days I was there I felt sick, breathing was painful and I got an enormous weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid of. The city seemed so dirty, so crowded that it broke my heart knowing all my family is there. During my stay, 3 members of my family got horribly robbed on the streets, one of them was my little brother who got a knife held to his stomach as they took away all his money when he was about to enter his University in a nice area in Bogotá around 7:00am.

I wasn’t allowed to drive, to go out by myself or even take my phone with me when I went out, in a way it felt like my freedom was taken away. The fear was back and I got a reminder of what my life was like a few years ago. I can’t help but think things have gotten worse since I left. I cried myself to sleep so many nights while I was there, I saw so many homeless people, so many street dogs, so much poverty and people that struggle to make a living and not much I could do.

Frustration is the word I’ll use to describe my feelings during the whole time I was there. I couldn’t see how things could get better and it broke my heart not having the strength to stay and try make things better. My visit to Colombia was painful. When I said bye to my family I mentioned I might not return for a while, but I made up my mind… I don’t ever want to go back. Does this make me a shit person? I felt so unhappy being there, even though I did all my favorite things, it just felt wrong to be there. I was counting down the days to leave as I felt I was only feeding myself with negativity.

When I boarded the plane to do my stop in LAX, I promised myself that I would leave all the negativity behind and would start focusing only on the good things that life has to offer, I already spent enough time crying and being frustrated over something I couldn’t change at the time.

I arrived to the U.S. excited, feeling hope for what is about to come and got stopped by an immigration officer that treated me the way you’d treat the worst criminal. It was my first negative experience entering the U.S. the humiliation I went through for absolutely no reason was heartbreaking. I’ve spent days and nights crying since I got home. I am not ready to talk about what happened at LAX, but I just feel like having a Colombian passport gives you a red flag. What gives them the right to believe you’re a criminal just because of the country you were born? I made up my mind to never go back to the U.S. after the horrible experience I went through, it was unjustified and absolutely unnecessary.

I can barely recognize myself after this trip, I feel like I can’t pick up the pieces and put myself together and today I realized this is how I’ve been feeling deep down for over a year. When does this stop? What if I never get to be truly happy again? Who am I? Is this the new me? Does anybody understand how I feel?

Pretending to be ok while I’m online is getting tough, there are so many dark thoughts I’ve been having and I don’t know how to stop them. The only time I truly get a sense of peace is when I fantasize about my heart stopping, like there’s nothing in this world that could make me feel happy or excited ever again.

I miss myself. I need myself. If anyone has the answer in “how to find yourself” let me know.

Simoncita

This story begins in April 25th 2016.

I’ve always been trying to get into the whole fitness thing, I see so many people with those great bodies and I wanted to join the club so I hired a “fitness coach”.  He was a tall, handsome muscular man. He gave me a list of workouts and a list of ingredients to make a bunch of weird food.

I’m one of those people that likes to start things on Mondays, so of course I did my grocery shopping on a Monday afternoon. That day I walked to the mall to buy for the first time the ingredients for my first healthy meal. It was around 6:00pm and I was heading to the butcher to buy a bunch of meat and chicken for my recipes. That’s when I saw him, a blonde beautiful and perfect furry ball walking into the mall like he owned the place, I kept looking around wondering who was brave enough to walk into a mall with a dog without a leash. But is like no one else besides the security guard and me noticed his presence there, he kicked the little dog out and I ran behind him.

I kept looking around outside yelling to everyone around, –“¿De quién es este perrito?”- (Who is the owner of this dog?). But people just stared at me saying nothing. I dropped my grocery bags, went on my knees, took off my jacket and wrapped him in it to take him to my apartment. I kept talking to the little dog the whole way, asking him where his parents were and why was he going to the mall. I entered the building and the security guard asked me if I got a new dog. I nodded, she asked me –“¿Cómo se llama el perrito”?- (What’s the name of the little dog?) I said Simón. A name I always liked for a dog, wasn’t hard for me to think of a name quickly, he totally looked like a Simón.

I entered my apartment with this furry ball in my arms and let him run around. Jaco (my 1 year old Golden Retriever) smelled the intruder, then the little dog ran into my bedroom and peed. That’s when I noticed he was a girl. –“OK, I guess you’re Simona now”– I thought.

I served her a big plate of food she lay down on the floor and just ate, a bit afraid of Jaco, but after a few minutes they became best friends as you can see in the first picture I took of them. She made herself at home while outside a big storm was starting. I was so glad she was under a roof with food in her belly that night. That’s the day I met what I always called “my soul dog”.

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I never knew what happened to her before we found each other, I wondered for months if she had a home and got lost, or if her family kicked her out from their house or if she simply was born and lived on the street always. So many questions with no answer, but the only thing I was certain is that she wasn’t going back to the streets ever.

The next morning I took them both for a walk, she didn’t know that her name was Simona or that I was going to protect her and be her mom, so the first chance she got she ran away. I was chasing her for a few blocks, yelling her name so loud hoping someone would grab her for me. Finally we got to a corner and I put her on the leash. I was so scared I’d lose her but it felt like she was very afraid of me.

After that we went to the vet and made sure she was in good condition. I put posters on the missing dogs pages but no one ever called. I even went to all the buildings around asking security guards if they’ve seen her before but got no positive answers, but I was kinda hoping I could keep her. Simona was such a blessing in my life, oh and before I carry on, after the first day when she escaped she never left my side during walks. She seemed scared of being left behind. No matter how many dogs were playing in the park she would mostly stay by me. She liked people more than she liked dogs, funny thing I like dogs way more than I like people. We were perfect for each other.

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What can I say about her? She was very little, loved the attention, and was the one that taught me how to play fetch, the only dog I’ve known that likes to cuddle, she was the type of dog that made everyone feel special, that was her super power. Like no matter how your day was or how you feel about yourself she’d make you feel like the king of the world. Jaco has always been a serious dog, he has the personality of a guide dog but Simona was always crazy. Every time I finished a cam session she’d run up to me and lick my face, jump around and made me feel like the most amazing girl. When days were bad she was always jumping around to make me forget about the stress, she could cheer anyone up, she was magical.

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My dogs were one of my biggest motivations to leave Colombia, when I visited the USA, I noticed those big houses with backyards and dogs running around like in the movies and that’s what I wanted. Taking 2 dogs to the USA was a whole mission but seeing them both running in the snow and living in a house with a backyard was a dream come true.

Life was awesome! I mean, not every day you see a street dog from Bogotá running in the snow in a small town in New England, do you? The back yard as you can see was enormous and they had all the supervised freedom they wanted.

There was the time for a vacation after all that moving right? So I took a trip to N.Z. (New Zealand), one of my favorite places in the world, in May that year. I took advantage of my family visiting so they could look after my babies. Things went well, they were happy to look after the house and spoil my dogs while I was away.

After my trip I started to considering living in N.Z. the time zone was really appealing for cam time, I felt safe there too, did some research and a couple months later I took another trip there to see how I feel, check a few places where I could possibly move to, etc. I needed to make sure I had everything I needed for when the moment came.

July was ending and I guess the idea of leaving my dogs in a kennel seemed mean, especially to Simona, she always slept with me on the bed cuddling, I guess she needed that extra love. When I left her in a kennel for a day or two in the past I felt like my heart started to fall into pieces. I did what I thought it was right. I got my parents tickets from Bogotá to Boston again so they could look after Jaco and Simona during my trip. I didn’t want them to be sad, my parents had looked after them many times so I was very relaxed.

The day I was leaving I was running late for the airport so I left kinda quick without kissing both my dogs, the trip wasn’t going to be that long and they were in good hands, I left feeling good. On this trip, I took a few things with me, including my diaries for the past few years. I wanted to entertain my mind on the plane reading my own old stories.

It was winter down in N.Z. So most of the time I was inside the house where I stayed reading my old diary. On August 8th before I went to bed I read so many pages from the year before and started to wonder why I spend all of my energy with people from MyFreeCams. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, all I cared about back then was my rank on the website I worked for, thats when I told myself I need to focus more on my happiness and started to wonder if maybe what I was doing wasn’t making me as happy anymore.

The night of August 9th I watched for the first time a video where Oprah was talking I was so inspired that night I felt my heart beating so hard as I wrote in my diary -“Siento que cosas mágicas van a pasar cuando logre enfocarme en las cosas correctas”- (“I feel like magical things are going to happen when I manage to focus on the right things”). I wrote so much that night, I felt like it was the beginning of a new me. I decided that night not to let my job as a CamGirl dictate who I was. I wanted to spend more time working on myself, making that decision made me feel like I was heading on right direction, then I went to sleep with an enormous sense of peace.

On August 10th I woke up happy, ready to make a few changes. I was brushing my teeth and got a text from my parents asking me to Skype them. I told them I was gonna call them after I ate my breakfast, then the friend I had in the USA texted me asking me if I have spoken to my parents yet. That’s when I froze, something was wrong and believe me, as I write this I feel the same pain I felt that day. I immediately called him and said -“What the fuck is going on?”- He was crying and told me Simona got out of the house earlier that day and she got hit by a car, I just said -“Just tell me she’s going to be ok”- he took a breathe and said the most painful words I’ve heard in my entire life,  -“She passed away”-. I hung up, I couldn’t believe it, never in my life until that moment I knew what it was like to scream out cause of a broken heart.

It took me days to realize I was never going to see her again, I was so angry asking myself over and over WHY??? Is like the moment I got clarity and started focusing on being a better me a tragedy happened. I still don’t understand why. Why her? Why was the driver going over the speed limit? Why none of the people walking by stopped and grabbed her? Why my dad lost track of her? Why the fuck didn’t I keep the collar for the electric fence on her? Can you believe I just felt so bad for her and I couldn’t imagine her feeling any kind of pain so I took it off? Why didn’t I leave her at the kennel? Why did I leave Colombia? Why wasn’t I there? Why? Why? Why?

I stopped writing on my diaries for weeks. All I can remember is pain, anger and frustrations. When I got back to the USA Simona’s ashes got given to me in a wood box, inside a green paper bag with condolences notes. I couldn’t even look at my parents in the eye. I was so mad at them. I was so mad at me. I was so mad at God.

There’s not enough words to describe what she truly meant to me. On the outside I was pretending to be strong, never let my parents know how I was really feeling. Never screamed out of pain in front of anyone. But it hurt like you can’t imagine, and still does, perhaps it’ll always hurt, but it is a pain I’m learning to live with and deal with the sadness every once in a while.

It has been 332 days since Simona left this world. I still struggle to find the woman I was before I lost her, I gave away all my money trying to find answers, trying to find “me” again but I guess that person is gone. The one writing this is the one who’s left and I’m still getting adjusted to the changes.

Good bye Simona.

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The land of the free?

Arriving to JFK airport was a relief, I was really concerned about my dogs but as soon as I saw them near the baggage claim barking like there was no tomorrow I felt a lot of peace. Exiting the airport was the big challenge for me, I had never experienced in my life temperatures below 30F and of course I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. The friend I had picked me up and drove to the home I rented at a distance, a small house in New England. It was right on the boarder between Connecticut & Massachusetts. It was a strange feeling every time I went to the store, went to get Chipotle or buy groceries it’d be in a different state.

I remember arriving to the house and letting my dogs out to run around on the huge property. My back yard looked more like a big forest than part of a house. The inside was cozy and had a bath, I always wanted to live in a house with a bath, it was one of the happiest days of my life and there was me and my 2 furry babies ready to start a new life. I had nothing there besides some furniture that was already in the house so I took my first trip to Costco to spend nearly $800 USD on “kitchen appliances”. (I’m sure some Americans can relate to a trip to Costco that gets out of hand)

There’s so many things I love about the USA, I mean, being there has been the dream of my life since I can remember, not gonna lie, I love everything about that country. Simple things like feeling safe driving, texting while I’m walking on the street without looking behind my shoulder wondering if someone would rob me was a luxury I didn’t have in Colombia. I got used to those things pretty quick.

Most people see the United States as a land of freedom, and I want to open up today to you guys and confess I never had a sense of freedom while I was there. As you know, I got someone’s help to rent a house and do a few things I couldn’t do for my own at the time, so most of the basic things over there weren’t even under my name. It was all on him, the car, the house, the power bill, even the goddam internet. I felt like I owed that guy my soul, so the whole time I was living there I felt obligated to be “his”, not in a romantic way or anything similar, but I can tell you it was a toxic relationship that obligated me to invite him to everything, hang out almost every weekend and I never let myself get involved with the community or made a effort to meet anyone else.

Unfortunately I messed up my small paradise by coping with a toxic person for so long, things weren’t fair for both sides and I was too blind to realize I gave this person absolute control over my life. Many times I felt scared and obligated to do things I didn’t want to. Are you obligated to be someone’s friend because they are helping you when no one else is willing to? Maybe, maybe not. But there I was living in my dream place feeling like I wasn’t the owner of my life it felt more like I was some kind of prisoner.

I remember many good times, as everything in life is not only black or white. One of my favorite memories I got is the time my whole family visited. They arrived to the airport in Boston and I picked them up holding an American flag and small blue hats (The ones people use during 4th of July) Colombians can be a bit dramatic when it comes to seeing family after some time apart. During their visit, I took them to my favorite places. Museums, the zoo, the aquarium but they seemed more interested in going shopping, so the perfect plan for them was to go to Walmart or places like Ross to get cool stuff for a small price. Just so you have an idea, they arrived with 2 checked bags and left the USA with 8 (plus they left a bag full of clothes that they couldn’t fit in their luggage).

One of my sweetest memories was the time I took my parents to Chipotle for the first time. The face my dad made after taking his first bite was hilarious. Honestly the way I can describe it is like he just tasted heaven and came back to earth, he kept moaning loudly and repeating how good it was until everyone started looking at us and my mom yelled at him to shut up (All angry Latina mom style). It was embarrassingly awesome, perhaps that’s one of the reasons of why I love that place so much.

That summer with my family there was one of the most beautiful times of my life, we took a road trip to New York, Washington D.C and got to see Niagara Falls, it was all a dream and I remember it all with a grateful heart, how funny is that the happiest moments I ever had there was with my family, those wonderful people I left behind with the hope to get a better life. Sometimes I think I’m more attached to them than I realize.

Life was great, but things changed after August I can say there’s two of me: Before and After August 2017, that’s the time when my whole world went down hill.

 

 

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Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00