A broken heart.

I never intended for this blog to become a sad place, but the more time passes, the more clarity I get that things haven’t been the same since Simona passed away. I can confidently say that I haven’t been truly happy ever since and things don’t seem to go my way no matter how much I try. It’s like a huge dark cloud covered me that August and stuck around and I can’t see the world with clarity.

Let me tell you something about my mourning, during that time I started to watch a lot of motivational videos. I got involved with a community that feeds each other with inspirational messages, encouragement and support. I guess all I wanted back then was to feel supported and loved. I found a group of people that provided that. I attended a few conferences with them across the U.S. and got very involved with the whole personal development thing.  These groups have a way to make you believe something is wrong with you and you need their help to improve yourself.

I don’t want to get much into detail, but I can assure you I was mentally unstable and going through a major depression after my loss. Many of my supporters on MyFreeCams walked away and I was feeling more miserable every day. Being around the people of this group made me feel special, it became my safe space. During one of the conferences I hired a “Personal Development Coach” and a “Business Coach”, I wanted my life back so bad that I spent a big part of my savings with this company, at the time it seemed like they were my only hope.

Between August and November 2017 I gave away nearly $50,000 USD hoping to get my life together, but it was only the beginning of a disappointing trip that left me with almost nothing. I still feel ashamed about my poor decisions, I’ve read multiple personal development books in my life and learned many valuable lessons. Some of the books recommend getting a coach to improve and I always wondered about it, sadly my experience with that was not a good one.

The months went by and in February I had everything packed to move to New Zealand. I wanted to be away from everything and everyone. I’m not going to lie, by then I was sick of the U.S. and wanted to be somewhere else where I felt safe.

I didn’t have much when I got here, besides Jaco, his huge crate, my laptop & webcam, 2 bags of clothes and a broken heart. I stayed with some family members for a few weeks and not long after I got my own place, as you all know, I like being by myself.

New Zealand became my “land of the free”, I moved to a city where I knew nobody and it was the place where I finally experienced real freedom, it is the place where I started discovering myself.

In August 2018 after 6 months of living here, I had a trip to Mexico scheduled with the people of the motivational group that was already paid for. I made up my mind about not participating in any of their activities. To be honest, I just felt like I got taken advantage of at a very vulnerable moment but I didn’t wanted to waste the $11,000 that I paid for the trip.

Traveling from New Zealand to pretty much anywhere is a mission, I wanted to make it worth it so I purchased some tickets to go to Colombia to see my family after the trip to Mexico. Seeing my loved ones was something I was looking forward too for months.

The trip to Mexico ended up being a life changing experience that got me thinking a lot. I spent most of my time there writing in my diaries and meditating. I have never in my life spent so much time loving myself, when you love yourself the world suddenly changes. I became creative, I started attracting really wonderful people that were also at the Resort, it was a whole week in heaven. The whole time there I felt like I was on a cloud, I was happy for absolutely no reason, able to spend time with myself.

The day I left that magical place, I wasn’t sad. I was excited to finally see my family, to get my favorite food again and to spend time with the people I love the most. I arrived to Bogotá on a Sunday morning, most of my family were at my parents house waiting for me with the most wonderful thing in the world: “Caldo de costilla con arepas” it has been my favorite food since I remember.

The first few days in Colombia were nice, but the more time passed there, the more uncomfortable I started to feel. I’m not quiet sure how to explain what happened, but it was like the whole 11 days I was there I felt sick, breathing was painful and I got an enormous weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid of. The city seemed so dirty, so crowded that it broke my heart knowing all my family is there. During my stay, 3 members of my family got horribly robbed on the streets, one of them was my little brother who got a knife held to his stomach as they took away all his money when he was about to enter his University in a nice area in Bogotá around 7:00am.

I wasn’t allowed to drive, to go out by myself or even take my phone with me when I went out, in a way it felt like my freedom was taken away. The fear was back and I got a reminder of what my life was like a few years ago. I can’t help but think things have gotten worse since I left. I cried myself to sleep so many nights while I was there, I saw so many homeless people, so many street dogs, so much poverty and people that struggle to make a living and not much I could do.

Frustration is the word I’ll use to describe my feelings during the whole time I was there. I couldn’t see how things could get better and it broke my heart not having the strength to stay and try make things better. My visit to Colombia was painful. When I said bye to my family I mentioned I might not return for a while, but I made up my mind… I don’t ever want to go back. Does this make me a shit person? I felt so unhappy being there, even though I did all my favorite things, it just felt wrong to be there. I was counting down the days to leave as I felt I was only feeding myself with negativity.

When I boarded the plane to do my stop in LAX, I promised myself that I would leave all the negativity behind and would start focusing only on the good things that life has to offer, I already spent enough time crying and being frustrated over something I couldn’t change at the time.

I arrived to the U.S. excited, feeling hope for what is about to come and got stopped by an immigration officer that treated me the way you’d treat the worst criminal. It was my first negative experience entering the U.S. the humiliation I went through for absolutely no reason was heartbreaking. I’ve spent days and nights crying since I got home. I am not ready to talk about what happened at LAX, but I just feel like having a Colombian passport gives you a red flag. What gives them the right to believe you’re a criminal just because of the country you were born? I made up my mind to never go back to the U.S. after the horrible experience I went through, it was unjustified and absolutely unnecessary.

I can barely recognize myself after this trip, I feel like I can’t pick up the pieces and put myself together and today I realized this is how I’ve been feeling deep down for over a year. When does this stop? What if I never get to be truly happy again? Who am I? Is this the new me? Does anybody understand how I feel?

Pretending to be ok while I’m online is getting tough, there are so many dark thoughts I’ve been having and I don’t know how to stop them. The only time I truly get a sense of peace is when I fantasize about my heart stopping, like there’s nothing in this world that could make me feel happy or excited ever again.

I miss myself. I need myself. If anyone has the answer in “how to find yourself” let me know.

Simoncita

This story begins in April 25th 2016.

I’ve always been trying to get into the whole fitness thing, I see so many people with those great bodies and I wanted to join the club so I hired a “fitness coach”.  He was a tall, handsome muscular man. He gave me a list of workouts and a list of ingredients to make a bunch of weird food.

I’m one of those people that likes to start things on Mondays, so of course I did my grocery shopping on a Monday afternoon. That day I walked to the mall to buy for the first time the ingredients for my first healthy meal. It was around 6:00pm and I was heading to the butcher to buy a bunch of meat and chicken for my recipes. That’s when I saw him, a blonde beautiful and perfect furry ball walking into the mall like he owned the place, I kept looking around wondering who was brave enough to walk into a mall with a dog without a leash. But is like no one else besides the security guard and me noticed his presence there, he kicked the little dog out and I ran behind him.

I kept looking around outside yelling to everyone around, –“¿De quién es este perrito?”- (Who is the owner of this dog?). But people just stared at me saying nothing. I dropped my grocery bags, went on my knees, took off my jacket and wrapped him in it to take him to my apartment. I kept talking to the little dog the whole way, asking him where his parents were and why was he going to the mall. I entered the building and the security guard asked me if I got a new dog. I nodded, she asked me –“¿Cómo se llama el perrito”?- (What’s the name of the little dog?) I said Simón. A name I always liked for a dog, wasn’t hard for me to think of a name quickly, he totally looked like a Simón.

I entered my apartment with this furry ball in my arms and let him run around. Jaco (my 1 year old Golden Retriever) smelled the intruder, then the little dog ran into my bedroom and peed. That’s when I noticed he was a girl. –“OK, I guess you’re Simona now”– I thought.

I served her a big plate of food she lay down on the floor and just ate, a bit afraid of Jaco, but after a few minutes they became best friends as you can see in the first picture I took of them. She made herself at home while outside a big storm was starting. I was so glad she was under a roof with food in her belly that night. That’s the day I met what I always called “my soul dog”.

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I never knew what happened to her before we found each other, I wondered for months if she had a home and got lost, or if her family kicked her out from their house or if she simply was born and lived on the street always. So many questions with no answer, but the only thing I was certain is that she wasn’t going back to the streets ever.

The next morning I took them both for a walk, she didn’t know that her name was Simona or that I was going to protect her and be her mom, so the first chance she got she ran away. I was chasing her for a few blocks, yelling her name so loud hoping someone would grab her for me. Finally we got to a corner and I put her on the leash. I was so scared I’d lose her but it felt like she was very afraid of me.

After that we went to the vet and made sure she was in good condition. I put posters on the missing dogs pages but no one ever called. I even went to all the buildings around asking security guards if they’ve seen her before but got no positive answers, but I was kinda hoping I could keep her. Simona was such a blessing in my life, oh and before I carry on, after the first day when she escaped she never left my side during walks. She seemed scared of being left behind. No matter how many dogs were playing in the park she would mostly stay by me. She liked people more than she liked dogs, funny thing I like dogs way more than I like people. We were perfect for each other.

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What can I say about her? She was very little, loved the attention, and was the one that taught me how to play fetch, the only dog I’ve known that likes to cuddle, she was the type of dog that made everyone feel special, that was her super power. Like no matter how your day was or how you feel about yourself she’d make you feel like the king of the world. Jaco has always been a serious dog, he has the personality of a guide dog but Simona was always crazy. Every time I finished a cam session she’d run up to me and lick my face, jump around and made me feel like the most amazing girl. When days were bad she was always jumping around to make me forget about the stress, she could cheer anyone up, she was magical.

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My dogs were one of my biggest motivations to leave Colombia, when I visited the USA, I noticed those big houses with backyards and dogs running around like in the movies and that’s what I wanted. Taking 2 dogs to the USA was a whole mission but seeing them both running in the snow and living in a house with a backyard was a dream come true.

Life was awesome! I mean, not every day you see a street dog from Bogotá running in the snow in a small town in New England, do you? The back yard as you can see was enormous and they had all the supervised freedom they wanted.

There was the time for a vacation after all that moving right? So I took a trip to N.Z. (New Zealand), one of my favorite places in the world, in May that year. I took advantage of my family visiting so they could look after my babies. Things went well, they were happy to look after the house and spoil my dogs while I was away.

After my trip I started to considering living in N.Z. the time zone was really appealing for cam time, I felt safe there too, did some research and a couple months later I took another trip there to see how I feel, check a few places where I could possibly move to, etc. I needed to make sure I had everything I needed for when the moment came.

July was ending and I guess the idea of leaving my dogs in a kennel seemed mean, especially to Simona, she always slept with me on the bed cuddling, I guess she needed that extra love. When I left her in a kennel for a day or two in the past I felt like my heart started to fall into pieces. I did what I thought it was right. I got my parents tickets from Bogotá to Boston again so they could look after Jaco and Simona during my trip. I didn’t want them to be sad, my parents had looked after them many times so I was very relaxed.

The day I was leaving I was running late for the airport so I left kinda quick without kissing both my dogs, the trip wasn’t going to be that long and they were in good hands, I left feeling good. On this trip, I took a few things with me, including my diaries for the past few years. I wanted to entertain my mind on the plane reading my own old stories.

It was winter down in N.Z. So most of the time I was inside the house where I stayed reading my old diary. On August 8th before I went to bed I read so many pages from the year before and started to wonder why I spend all of my energy with people from MyFreeCams. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, all I cared about back then was my rank on the website I worked for, thats when I told myself I need to focus more on my happiness and started to wonder if maybe what I was doing wasn’t making me as happy anymore.

The night of August 9th I watched for the first time a video where Oprah was talking I was so inspired that night I felt my heart beating so hard as I wrote in my diary -“Siento que cosas mágicas van a pasar cuando logre enfocarme en las cosas correctas”- (“I feel like magical things are going to happen when I manage to focus on the right things”). I wrote so much that night, I felt like it was the beginning of a new me. I decided that night not to let my job as a CamGirl dictate who I was. I wanted to spend more time working on myself, making that decision made me feel like I was heading on right direction, then I went to sleep with an enormous sense of peace.

On August 10th I woke up happy, ready to make a few changes. I was brushing my teeth and got a text from my parents asking me to Skype them. I told them I was gonna call them after I ate my breakfast, then the friend I had in the USA texted me asking me if I have spoken to my parents yet. That’s when I froze, something was wrong and believe me, as I write this I feel the same pain I felt that day. I immediately called him and said -“What the fuck is going on?”- He was crying and told me Simona got out of the house earlier that day and she got hit by a car, I just said -“Just tell me she’s going to be ok”- he took a breathe and said the most painful words I’ve heard in my entire life,  -“She passed away”-. I hung up, I couldn’t believe it, never in my life until that moment I knew what it was like to scream out cause of a broken heart.

It took me days to realize I was never going to see her again, I was so angry asking myself over and over WHY??? Is like the moment I got clarity and started focusing on being a better me a tragedy happened. I still don’t understand why. Why her? Why was the driver going over the speed limit? Why none of the people walking by stopped and grabbed her? Why my dad lost track of her? Why the fuck didn’t I keep the collar for the electric fence on her? Can you believe I just felt so bad for her and I couldn’t imagine her feeling any kind of pain so I took it off? Why didn’t I leave her at the kennel? Why did I leave Colombia? Why wasn’t I there? Why? Why? Why?

I stopped writing on my diaries for weeks. All I can remember is pain, anger and frustrations. When I got back to the USA Simona’s ashes got given to me in a wood box, inside a green paper bag with condolences notes. I couldn’t even look at my parents in the eye. I was so mad at them. I was so mad at me. I was so mad at God.

There’s not enough words to describe what she truly meant to me. On the outside I was pretending to be strong, never let my parents know how I was really feeling. Never screamed out of pain in front of anyone. But it hurt like you can’t imagine, and still does, perhaps it’ll always hurt, but it is a pain I’m learning to live with and deal with the sadness every once in a while.

It has been 332 days since Simona left this world. I still struggle to find the woman I was before I lost her, I gave away all my money trying to find answers, trying to find “me” again but I guess that person is gone. The one writing this is the one who’s left and I’m still getting adjusted to the changes.

Good bye Simona.

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