The end of SofiaStorm

2020 was quite a year for everyone, no matter in which part of the world you are located. We were all somehow affected by COVID-19. The world had a different vibe and it gave us all plenty of time to reflect on our lives.

There is a side of my life that I never speak about much, and it is the whole “trying to get pregnant”. This month marks a year of the “trying” and it has been a long and disappointing journey. I thought that you just did it without protection during fertile days and boom! easy peasy welcome a baby in nine months, but I was confused when in the first month after trying I got my first negative test… Oh the disappointment!

How little I knew at the time about the struggles some couples have when wanting to start a family. When I got my first negative test my mom was here in New Zealand. Obviously I was sad and confused, I bought one of those tests that tell you 6 days before your period if you are pregnant or not. I just NEEDED to know, I was too excited. She told me that the reason it was negative was because I was “too anxious”.

At that moment I thought, -“ok, I will just chill, have fun and try again in a few weeks”- I really had a good time with my mom around, we traveled many places, danced and listened to those “ratchet” Colombian songs that I love to play online when I’m in a good mood. I thought January will be my month, and I was going to get pregnant and everything will work out easily. I was monitoring my fertile days with an app logging every symptom my body experienced day to day during my cycle.

Another disappointing result, another negative test. My confusion kept growing, I almost couldn’t process it -“what is wrong with me?”- I kept thinking. I had the brilliant idea of announcing to my family that I had finally decided to have a baby and everyone was way too excited. I haven’t heard of any babies planned in my family besides my brother and a cousin. We are all accidents (lol), so it’s not the kind of thing my family does, planning and deciding when to become parents. It just happens, then it is gossiping and disappointment until the baby is born and everyone is happy.

So you can imagine how frustrating it was for me talking to my family and have them asking if I was pregnant already, when I said no they asked -“why is it taking so long?”-. Time kept passing and month after month I kept getting negative results. I tried to talk to friends that have kids, perhaps anyone else could understand my frustration, but all I got was the worst possible thing you can say to someone trying to get pregnant -“just relax, you are stressing to much about it“- or -“it will happen when you chill”- Geez, seriously go fuck yourself big time. My heart is literally racing as I type this. RELAX? REALLY? Oh man thanks for the brilliant advice!! … Honestly it gets old after a while, just don’t say anything ma’am.

Besides the frustration I have it feels like they are blaming me for it, like it’s my fault it’s not happening and I wonder how can I relax if I am so excited about becoming a mom. That thought rarely leaves me, it’s there every single day. I kept living my life of course and after a few months stopped tracking every symptom on the app, I stopped buying pregnancy tests and ovulation tests like a maniac. I am more calm but I am conscious of how excited I get about every big change in my life, but I got to a point where I just started to focus on myself and how to be happier.

Another frustrating part were friends in Colombia who knew the situation, after two months of trying someone told me something must be really wrong with me and I should seek medical help to identify what was my problem. Others mentioned my age and how low my chances of getting pregnant were at 30 and I wonder, how do you respond to that? -“Oh Thanks for your wonderful advice, very helpful. I’ll go back in time and get pregnant when I’m 20. Cheerio Darling heading to my time machine now”-?

I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but when I was single and wanting a relationship all I saw surrounding me were happy couples. People on Facebook getting engaged, everyone happy and in love except me. Well… the exact same thing happened with the wanting to become a mom experience. I kept noticing every pregnant woman at the mall, people on Facebook again posting those ultrasound pictures and I couldn’t help it but feel jealous. Why them and not me? It almost made me mad to hear about other people getting pregnant because it reminded me about how I was failing as a woman, thats how it felt month after month all year round.

After six months of disappointing results we went to the Doctor and expressed our concerns. Guess what? My GP was on maternity leave and I had to see someone else, so that was a big cry for me… Oh the drama! Everyone is getting pregnant around me EVEN MY DOCTOR, COME ON!! The Doctor we saw that day explained how getting pregnant could take up to a year (sometimes more) and there’s no reason to freak out but if we wanted we could get certain tests to make sure everything in our bodies was working fine.

Long story short, all is good. Two perfectly healthy people. I was kind of relieved but kind of mad you know? Is like ok what is the problem then? Is it my age? Were those annoying friends right? People love to remind me how everything goes downhill after for a woman after you turn 30 but actually things just started to make sense after I turned 30.

I went on a trip across the country for my birthday this year, if you don’t know much about New Zealand I invite you to Google the South Island, it is just spectacular. During that trip I got a lot of time to think about my job, that’s when everything started, I was craving a change but I wasn’t quite sure what I needed.

2020 was frustrating, since January I was feeling like a failure for not being able to get pregnant, but also month after month I kept failing every goal I set for myself on MyFreeCams. Then I started getting very depressed about it. -“This is it, I’m too old for this now”- I kept thinking constantly. I tried to connect with people but it was so difficult to make new friends or attract new people to my chatroom, things only got harder with time and those close to me know how much I struggled to come online every day.

I tried so many things to make camming enjoyable, tried to emulate everything I’ve done in the past that brought me success but nothing was working for me anymore. I felt lame, ugly, boring and started to compare myself with all those new girls that are very popular, most of them are in their early 20’s, their skin looks better, they have more energy than me and there I was, simply fading away with those memories of the good years. I started looking for a job in New Zealand.

I was desperate to feel like I was living a meaningful life. I couldn’t bare another man tipping me to tease myself and pretend to enjoy it, it was a fake horrible life and I was so drained most days after 2 hours online. Of course in the middle of it there were amazing days, full of sunshine and I loved what I was doing, but those beautiful days started to happen less and less often.

Depression really got me at the end of October, I felt so lonely. Nothing could cheer me up, I had to go seek medical help because I have never in my life felt so low. I didn’t wanted to be alive anymore. They gave me a prescription for antidepressants, that was my life at the beginning of November. I can’t say the antidepressants made my life better. While taking them I became somehow plain (is that how you say it?) I’m not sure, but it felt like I had no emotions. I didn’t feel sad any longer but I couldn’t feel any happiness anymore as if the world had turned from crazy colours to plain grey (but not cool grey like the one I like) just soulless dead-inside grey. I gave up on the antidepressants, they didn’t help me the way I thought they would.

I kept coming online and kind of stopped caring until I noticed the days I’m the happiest are those when I don’t set any goals or expectations, everything seems to flow. Just for a laugh, mid November I decided that for the rest of the month I wouldn’t have any topics, tip menus or goals. I logged on with the intention of having a good time with my friends because YES they are my friends, way better friends than anyone I’ve interacted with in my personal life. Those guys mean a great deal to me.

I love chatting with them you know? I know the big things going on in their lives, about love, friends and family. I always find a way to joke around or tease them, it is what I do naturally, THAT’S WHO I AM. So sometimes I could be having the time of my life, joking, laughing surrounded by friends and someone would tip me to get naked and do a fingering tease. It would super kill the vibe, maybe they thought they were helping or just wanted to get off? I’m not sure! But those kind of things made me dislike camming, it felt like the connection we were having was cut short to get sexual by command and that doesn’t feel right.

The end of November was different, for the first time in 8 years I felt like I was truly in charge. I didn’t do anything for tokens only by choice and desire. The teases I did and erotic shows were so deeply meaningful to me. I enjoyed being a camgirl again, I was so turned on and I felt on fire night after night. If I felt sad I’d be open about my feelings, if I was happy I’d share my happiness, if I was angry I’d scream my soul out. There was no more pretending to be ok, no more pretending to be happy or jolly when that contradicted what was happening inside. To my surprise that allowed me to get closer to my friends and new people coming as they could relate. We started bonding at the speed of… idk that Han Solo super car that flies (you get the point).

People that have been there for years only now started to notice me, why? Who knows. The amount of new guys in my room blows my mind, I can’t remember ever having so many people talking in my room as it has been in the past few weeks. Most nights I stay over 8 hours because I am having such a good time I simply don’t want to leave, I am so excited every day.

THANK YOU, I want to hug everyone so hard right now. I can’t believe it took me 8 years to discover that being myself (truly myself) would allow me to connect with so many wonderful people. Yes, 2020 was sucky in many ways but I feel like I am back and stronger than ever. I didn’t set any goals for December just went online to have fun and it has been my best month of the year, it feels like I’m living in a dream or is some sort of miracle. I am so grateful for the wonderful people arriving in my life, you have changed me.

I no longer feel comfortable with the name SofiaStorm, even though that name was around with me during memorable moments, day by day I feel less like Sofia, my chatroom has changed and it is time to start a new phase with the rule of being transparent and staying true to myself, no more pretending.

Happy New Year.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

About men.

I’ve known a lot of men, during my high school years I realized I enjoyed hanging out with men more than women. It was always me and the guys hanging out, joking about movies, going to concerts and grabbing a drink. I always laugh more and get the chance to ask ridiculous questions that I’d be shy to even mention around girls. Can’t help it, I love the dudes, I always have and always will. All of this of course goes perfectly with my current job that’s basically… you know? hang out with guys and have a good time, it is pretty fucking amazing.

As you know I’ve been in this industry for about six years now and there are cliché and annoying phrases I keep coming across that get under my skin every time: –“I don’t want to be one of those MFC guys”– (which to me means, –“I don’t want to spend my time or energy on you but I want you to think I’m special and super cool”-) or perhaps the typical –“I just want to be your real friend, be there when you need someone to talk to.”– (AKA –“I want you to give me your free time but I will never spend a penny on you because I’m truly different and no one else is like me”-) and let’s not forget about Mr. –“I just really care about you, I can’t stand seeing you naked it’s undignified”– (The worst kind of guy in my opinion. I mean why would someone go to an adult website to say that? Making comments as if they’re the “good guy”? almost implying that everyone else is a perv except for them, or assuming I’m doing something I’m not comfortable with.)

I lost count a long time ago of the amount of times I’ve read/heard the same comments over and over and well, as you can imagine it pisses me off every single time. Not to mention these comments come only from people that don’t truly support me financially in my job. I mean, I get everyone wants to feel special, valued and important but it becomes a problem for me when people start assuming that because they “don’t fap” (or don’t admit they do which is even worse) they get special treatment, or perhaps the guy that only comes around for a good time occasionally but believes he’s too good for camsites and just sends private messages without interacting with “those guys” (my friends), the people that actually mean something to me.

So what it’s about men? What does “being an MFC guy” mean? Real talk, some days when I get online I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I get a burning desire inside of me and all I want to do is tease and have a good time with everyone around. I feel genuinely turned on, wanting to have the best night where everyone leaves feeling satisfied. Some other days… well, I might not be in the mood, and I notice people are not engaging as much. We all deal with different things in life, not every day I feel sexy or sometimes I just don’t have enough energy, it just happens! During those days when I’m feeling like I lost my mojo “those MFC guys” are the reason I keep going. The ones that are there when they can and genuinely put their hearts into bringing good energy, those names that everyone recognizes because they’re too fucking amazing you know? The type of guy you would totally grab a beer with and hang out for real.

Some days when I get online and see my friends, you know? the ones that are there frequently waiting for me to get online I get a boost of energy. It is impossible not to start developing feelings for the people you spend time with every day, and you know what? I love those feelings and my dear readers, I want to tell you all about it, there is countless stories about the fascinating men that left me speechless over the internet, I guess some people have the power to hit the right spot and leave you with a longing crush.

So going back to camsites you must know (In case you didn’t by now) I REALLY enjoy taking my clothes off, I enjoy teasing and being watched so the whole -“I care about your personality only, please don’t get naked”– is a huge turn off. I know I’m not everyone’s type but if you ended up in my chatroom, it was for a reason, I’m just saying. Now the fun part, what makes all of this whole cam thing amazing and enjoyable… Do you know what I truly like? Do you have any idea what goes through my mind when I’m losing control of my body in the middle of a show? Have you ever wondered what guys say to me in secret tip notes? I respect a man that speaks his mind and is not shy to tell me what’s getting him off while he’s watching me, I enjoy watching their faces when they open their webcams when they start losing control, sometimes it takes a little… sometimes it takes more work but I can say I’m addicted to those facial expressions of pleasure, in fact it is what makes me have the most intense and erotic nights.

Which brings me to the next topic about men, those men that I don’t know about but are there. No BS talking here, it really gets me off knowing the guys watching are enjoying themselves. The times when I’m in the middle of a show and I see more people joining the chatroom. I start to wonder how many of them will have an orgasm that night while their eyes are all on me. I wonder what’d be on their minds if they do and how many of them will stay after they satisfied their hunger for pleasure. Some nights I feel insatiable, but it’s not about my own pleasure… it is about whoever is watching as if I feel some kind of power over them ruling what’s going to happen next and to be honest I like it very much.

That’s what I think about men. Next time we chat I’ll write about those long lasting crushes that stick over the years, there’s so much more I want to tell you but I’m running out of time and I promised myself I’ll post this entry tonight.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Mr. Man

Not long ago I met Mr. Man, it was one of those days online when everything seemed to be going absolutely perfect. I was feeling as sexy as ever, had all my friends online and new people were joining. I was beyond happy, inspired to give out my best. Mr. Man spent all his night in my room and joined one of my clubs. I was incredibly grateful but not too impressed. He could be one of those people that come and go so I didn’t give him much attention. When I finished my shift I had a bath, as usual. Spent the evening looking after myself and relaxing.

During the following days Mr. Man kept coming to my room the second I would get online, I felt pretty awesome about that to be honest. He never talked much but seemed to enjoy himself, he purchased on my profile an app to talk to me outside cam and slowly he began to win my interest, he gave me the impression of a fascinating man, there was something about him, I just wanted to know him better.

We started talking a bit outside the chatroom, he was very respectful about my personal time, he never messaged too much or at weird times. I liked that a lot, he never appeared needy. I became intrigued and every time I saw him online we ended up talking about really deep stuff. He opened up about his issues with depression for many years, I was very touched. Mr. Man would always thank me for making his life better, he kept saying how grateful he was for being a part of my life and… the feeling was mutual. I was very pleased to have him around too. We were good for each other.

One night he told me how close he was about taking his own life because of an argument he had with a cam girl the previous year. I just couldn’t understand how such an amazing person would even think about such a thing. The more he told me, the more I realized he got majorly taken advantage of by this girl. I was so upset I punched pillows every time I thought about what he told me, I felt rage as if what happened to him happened to my brother or someone I love deeply. My heart shrunk when I knew my friend who now I care about so much went through such a horrible experience. I became extremely protective of him. I guess all I wanted was to make things right for him. In a way I wanted to fix it and make him forget about it. He works from home and doesn’t have any friends besides people on cam sites so my instinct was to “make it up to him” and THAT’S when things went down hill.

I have been on this business for over 6 years and after a few experiences I’ve learned to protect myself, I’m aware of how emotional and empathetic I am, so no matter what I always try to have a wall around me until I know the other person better. Somehow I tore the wall down for Mr. Man, I let him walk in on a red carpet with flashing lights, giving him power over my emotions and feelings. I wish I knew the exact day or minute things got messy, I had a few weeks of mental torture wondering what went wrong and why. I lost hours of sleep just trying to figure him out, I stopped relaxing after cam time and spent the little energy I had left on searching for ways to make him feel good.

I was concerned about him, I went the extra mile and repeatedly went out of my way to be there for him, even when I was too busy or exhausted. I let him decide the rules, texting him stuff like –“Please let me know if I’m texting a lot”- or -“I hope you don’t get bored of me being too much”- I mean, come on? (I’m face palming myself as I write this). It is embarrassing the person I became to please him, I felt like I owed him something.

There I was in the same position I was before I started my journey as a camgirl, feeling insecure and overcompensating by giving him extra, giving him things he never asked for. Every day I’d wear the outfits I knew he liked just to make him smile, perhaps to see if he’d notice I was trying for him, sadly the more I tried the less interest he showed. I spent most of my energy and time wondering what I could be doing wrong, went to my phone and read our conversations over and over trying to find an answer but nothing. I was beyond confused, one night I got online because I couldn’t sleep to read our conversations on MyFreeCams from the beginning to find out when “I fucked things up”, because in my mind it couldn’t have been him who did anything wrong, but I found nothing besides me trying too hard with messages to make him happy and him getting more distant by the day.

Do you know when you meet a person you really like and they like you back and life becomes a joyful experience? You start feeling more attractive, you feel smarter, confident all ready to conquer the world? You are EMPOWERED because you start seeing yourself with the eyes of who’s loving you… well, Mr. Man managed to pull out the insecure weak person out of me, I began to feel empty. When I couldn’t take it anymore I texted him the typical long message telling him how I felt and asking if things were ok. I just wanted a little feed back from him, reassurance perhaps? (I did this at least a couple of times) It was heart breaking seeing how he always answered things along the lines of: -“I’m here aren’t I? If I didn’t like you I’d be somewhere else”- as if his presence only was supposed to be enough or if a friendship is based on sitting next to someone to say absolutely nothing. I found it very insulting but let it pass many times with the excuse of “someone damaged him” or “soon enough he’ll open up and everything will be alright”.

I’m confident to say that I have never during my career as a camgirl tried so hard with a person, or became so protective or attached. I had a hard time understanding my feelings.

On January 1st when I saw Mr. Man online I decided to stop giving him any attention and keep focusing on my friends and my goals for the year, didn’t take me more than 15 minutes to break down (without him saying a word) explaining myself to him and I deliberately told him I decided to “stop trying” with him. I explained that I’d had enough and I was tired of feeling like I was begging him for a friendship, because it literally felt like that almost every day. I realized that he was the kind of person that wouldn’t have noticed if you disappeared out of nowhere so I guess, I wanted to make sure he KNEW what was going on. I politely asked him if he wanted to talk, I’d appreciate if he did it first, at least sometimes and repeatedly said how much I cared for him and his happiness and I didn’t want to be a burden.

That’s the last time me and Mr. Man talked, he logged off quickly after telling me he’d try to talk more and told me he was going to see me the next day. That was it! He never came back and never texted again. I waited a week and after no replied I deleted his number and moved on. I grabbed the steering wheel of my life and it feels pretty damn good.

I believed for many weeks this whole situation was about Mr. Man. I’ve been busy feeling worthless and weak I forgot what a badass I truly am. So NO, this is not about him and never was. This situation it’s about ME and it was a friendly reminder from life to stop giving other people control of my life and emotions. It could have been him or anyone else, it’s a lesson that keeps showing up in my life and I guess sometimes we need the lessons to repeat a couple of times before “we get it”. Feeling disrespected and taken for granted triggered deep issues from my childhood, but that’s ok. I love and accept my past because it made me who I am today.

Mr. Man lives his life at peace, I admire a person that cares only about himself (I truly do). Unfortunately or fortunately… that’s not in my nature. I will NOT close the gates to anyone who ever needs a friend or someone to rely on, and I love myself for that. I accept my truth that I am a loving and caring person, I keep repeating in my head that it’s ok to love people and it’s ok to be empathetic, as long as I keep filling my cup first things will be good. I am happy to say I’m strong enough to stay who I am no matter what life throws at me. So if anyone anywhere is going through something similar, know you’re not alone. I promise loving yourself first is the best gift you can give out to the world.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Good bye Mom & Dad!

I used to spend hours googling how to do a better in this job, after all, sneaking online from my parents house wasn’t giving me the best results. I found a few blogs and by chance, met a camgirl that was giving advice to other girls in the industry. Sometimes the universe conspires to give you exactly what you need.

When I got back from my first trip to the U.S I started to see and feel things differently. The whole hiding to be able to get online didn’t feel right anymore. It was absolutely no way to get myself anywhere. I wasn’t comfortable with the space where I was so I decided to move in with the girl I met. It was impossible for me to rent a place for myself back then, so the roommate experience was exactly what I needed.

I didn’t have a penny, not even to afford the truck taking my small bed (my only possession) to her apartment but I was sure things would work out perfectly. It was one of those times when you know everything is going to be alright, but you got no evidence, no proof. Something inside of me kept giving me strength and confidence.

Telling my parents I was leaving wasn’t easy, I’m not sure how things are where you guys are from, but in Colombia, most of the people my age (I was 22 back then) live with their parents. My mom cried, she told me she thought she was going to have me longer then said -“Definitivamente los hijos son prestados”-, which I’m not sure how to translate LOL. My dad hugged me and called my uncles to celebrate that I was becoming a responsible adult.

Leaving my parents house was a goodbye to “Sofi_Angell”. The person taking the camgirl thing serious sounded more like “SofiaStorm”, and ever since then I haven’t changed my name back. I arrived to the cozy apartment with my parents and siblings, every step, every big decision, they were always there. I had 2 small boxes with clothes, a bed and a table my sister gave me. I was really intimidated being away from “home” but I was absolutely sure it was the beginning of something awesome.

The first night at the new place was rough, it was like adulthood hit me for the first time. I had to make sure I’d take being a camgirl seriously. I had to pay rent, buy my own food and make sure I was still maintaining my grades at University but it took me a while to get back on track.

My room was small, the walls were plain white and it had a blue curtain. When I started getting online I wasn’t making tons of money but I earned enough to make it through the days, slowly I started to meet new friends. I was happy, here’s an old screenshot I found, so you can see how happy I was 🙂

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Along the way I had the chance to meet other camgirls, I even went to a conference once to learn more about this industry and how to do better. Being around other girls started reinforcing my beliefs that I wasn’t good at this job, all the girls at that conference were all done up, absolutely gorgeous and then there was me, awkwardly trying to fit in. I started feeling discouraged by seeing the amount of girls way prettier than me making tons of money, I was thinking perhaps I should focus on doing something else, but the responsibilities made me stay and try my best to enjoy it.

I stayed with my roommate for about a year, then finally got the courage to get my own place, it was my dream apartment right next to my university on the 17th floor. Being on my own was even a bigger responsibility but with time I made it work. I met awesome people on MyFreeCams and all of the sudden everything was going great for me. New house, new life, I even got a precious dog. Life was going awesome and work was going better than ever. (Pic of my first week online after I moved)

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After about 2 months of happiness and feeling like I owned the world I started freaking out about college, I was just about to finish all my grades and the next 2 years were going to be about practical work or as I said “working for free”. On average, a psychologist makes around $1,000 USD a month in Colombia, but if you’re starting, you probably make half of it if you’re lucky, but more than likely less.

At the time I was making around $8,000 USD per month, if I kept going to school, it’d mean I’d have to take a lot of time off to do the practical work and still I’d have to go to University, I had to choose between finishing my career as a psychologist or starting a full time one as a camgirl. My final decision wasn’t hard to make at all.

I didn’t really have close friends at University, I never did. So leaving without telling anyone wasn’t much of a challenge. I started putting all my focus and attention on my job and started seeing better results, but every day I was becoming more and more isolated. In my case it is hard to make friends in what I call “the real word”, most people make conversation about what they do for a living and back then I wasn’t ready to tell anyone –“I take my clothes off for money on the internet”-. Life started getting really lonely.

My way to handle the isolation and loneliness ended up teaching me a lot of life lessons that I’m grateful for today. I became really close with some of the members on the site, developed feelings and all kinds of emotions. Things started to feel “too real” but I guess all I wanted was a friend, someone to talk to and maybe feel normal? I don’t even know how to call my stupidity from a few years ago. I got blinded by my own emotions and my need to connect with people that I agreed to meet some guys in person and meeting guys face to face rarely ends well from my own experience.

Many things happened, things I’ve never spoken about before. I found myself having to go to the police multiple times, life became a nightmare after being abused physically and mentally by a member from the site. My family suffered harassment and many times I felt like my life was in danger. The stalker experience was absolutely the most traumatic experience I’ve had in my life. I’m really grateful everything ended after filling a lot paperwork and giving evidence it in a court house in the USA. That’s indeed one of the darkest moments of my life as a camgirl.

On the other hand, besides all the mentally unstable people in this world, I can confidently say that I made pretty awesome friends in this community, my heart feels warm when I think about the times we share our life experiences together and connect in a environment where we all feel safe.

At the beginning of 2017 I decided that I wanted to leave Colombia, I had my apartment with everything I’d always wanted, I had my dream car, my dream life but I knew it was time to move to the next step, I had this burning desire for a new life. I’ve grown up in an environment where you’re scared of everything, I felt unsafe driving, walking my dogs or even crossing the street to go to the mall. In my heart I knew Colombia wasn’t my home anymore. I gave away everything I owned and worked so hard to get, but with the help of an friend I had in the USA I got a place in a small town in New England and again, it was time to say “good bye” to my parents, It was going to be way more difficult to visit them now.

I cried the whole way from Aeropuerto Internacional El Dorado till I made it to JFK International Airport. Seeing the sad look in grandma’s eyes broke my heart, leaving Colombia was a mix of tears and excitement that I remember with nostalgia. Being away from everything and everyone I knew was a challenge. A whole new life was waiting for me and I was ready to achieve another one of my everlasting dreams… to live in America.

 

 

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Visa para un sueño

Getting the paperwork and payment sorted out for my independent cam girl account seemed so difficult at the time, my english was not very good, but with time and patience I got it all ready. The account was approved and I managed to buy a second hand webcam to make it official, I was ready to roll.

Being online was not as easy for me anymore, being “your own boss” can at times make you relax too much, the procrastination began. At the studio I was online 6 days a week, at home I was lucky if I was on 6 days a month.

November was my first month starting by myself, I made a total of 13460 Tokens, ($673), way more than any amount I’d ever earned at the studio. In December I made in the whole month 9717 Tokens ($485) and just today checking my stats I realized I disappeared after December, it wasn’t until June 2013 I returned. If I’m completely honest I think I just ran out of money. Some of my friends would send me some cash via Western Union to help me pay for University, books, etc. I was never 100% comfortable with that.

The only thing I can tell you is that I wasn’t good at completing tasks, the average money I’d made monthly working at my parents house was $300. I hated being online there, sometimes I’d be in the middle of a show and my dad would knock on the door asking me to cut the onions for the salad at lunch, other times I had to disconnect my webcam because someone was trying to get into my room, there was absolutely no privacy, it made me sad knowing I couldn’t get online with any peace and I didn’t even want to try, of course no one in my family knew what was I up to when I locked myself in the room.

I was close to being caught so many times, so getting online was a combination of adrenaline and worries, perhaps a bit of excitement. The most difficult part was taking a private show, I didn’t want to be naked doing, well… stuff and have someone knocking on my door asking me to make lunch or go to the store. I kind of stopped taking the job seriously and treated it like a hobby.

Here is a screenshot I found from back in the day…

Screen Shot 2018-02-06 at 11.46.26 AM

Since I can remember, I always dreamed about visiting the USA, I’ve been writing about it on my diaries since the age of 12. I promised one day I’d take myself to Disneyland, Hollywood, Universal Studios and would make a way to live there permanently. I was in love with America even before I set a foot there. Meeting so many people on MyFreeCams from my dream country was fascinating, I’d always ask them to send me pictures or describe what places are like, it was exciting for me just to even dream of visiting one day.

I had a friend from primary school that was working in Los Angeles and asked me to come and see what America is like. I didn’t have much to pay for the trip, but one of my friends from the site encouraged me to do it, he wasn’t a rich guy but he was a life saver multiple times. He even paid for my visa fees. I don’t know if any Americans readers could possibly imagine what asking for a visa to visit a country is like.

When you apply for a visa you show up at the embassy at a certain time, to see a line of hundreds of people filled with dreams, expectations and excitement, and there I was joining everyone’s hopes. Being in that line was one of the most scary things I’ve done, (I’m even shaking right now remembering what it was like). You can tell everyone is on their best behavior, wearing the best clothes to make a good impression. My dad took me to the embassy and waited outside, he kept telling me to be calm but I couldn’t stop shaking. I was so afraid my dreams would fade away by an officer rejecting my visa.

I finally got asked to come inside after waiting in the line on the street for over 30 minutes I was officially in USA territory. The first thing I noticed was the American flag waving in the wind, I started tearing up, I never felt so close to my dream. I waited in 3 different lines, one line to give my pictures away, another line for them to take my fingerprints and the last one to speak to the immigration consul. Everyone was quiet, the energy was heavy as I saw people coming one by one holding folders with a bunch of papers they don’t even ask for, I saw people crying after their visas got denied and other’s celebrating that they can take their trip to America, not knowing how my visit to the embassy was going to end gave me a lot of anxiety.

After 2 hours of standing in lines I walked to talk to the consul, she was a scary looking blond woman that asked many questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. I stuttered with every answer, my whole body was shaking, I was terrified. She noticed that and gave me a paper back with my passport. My visa got declined, it was the one of the saddest moments I remember. I left covered in tears, I cried non stop for the rest of the day.

When I got home I put on Fox TV. and watched that movie Phat Girlz, then cried even more. I felt defeated, rejected, discriminated, angry for being born where I was born, frustrated and any other bad feeling you can imagine I was having. Sadness was all over me. The following days I read every single article on the internet about how to get a tourist visa without failing. I even found out people sell books and can give courses about how to get a visa approved, it seemed a bit extreme, I mean… how do you even do that? The only part that made sense to me from all the articles I read was, next time you go to the embassy make sure your situation is different, so I changed things.

Exactly a week after my visa got declined I applied again, but this time I applied with my dad, we went together, did the same lines and same process. The immigration consul was a guy this time, he was from India, I remember his accent. He was very kind, asked a few regular questions, took my passport away and told me my visa will be ready in about two weeks. I was paralyzed and kept staring at him for a few seconds, my visa just got approved! My dad had to pull me so I got out of the way. Three steps later I screamed and started jumping around. I’ve been waiting years for that opportunity and now it was a reality, I cried for about 2 hours, but this time those were happy tears.

On December 2013 I took a plane with Spirit Airlines at Aeropuerto Internacional El Dorado, I was on my way to Los Angeles, making a stop in Fort Lauderdale. The whole experience was shocking, I never saw that many people speaking english, we all hear scary stories about Colombian tourists treated badly when arriving in the USA, but none of that happened. America always treated me well.

The immigration officer was very polite, he spoke Spanish so I was way more comfortable, I was there tearing up from excitement with every step I took. Then walked to get my next plane to California. The flight to Los Angeles seemed short, I got there and my friend was ready to pick me up. I remember the first time I saw a highway, it left me speechless, the roads, the cars, the houses, everything was awesome. That month I slept on the floor the whole time, there were no more beds but I was happy. I just wanted to have a vacation so I walked around every mall, ate at McDonalds & Subway everyday and made friends with the cleaners at the mall next to where I was staying. It was one of the happiest months of my life, and by the way. I made it to Universal Studios for the first time, that place is filled with the sweetest memories.

Being in the USA for such a short time opened my eyes to new possibilities, I realize how much more there is for me and I made myself a promise that when I went back to Colombia I’d leave my parents house and take my job seriously. I had a taste of the life of my dreams and wanted to get more of it. I felt so safe in America and always thought there’s nothing else you can ask for if you are living there, everything is beautiful, the people are so polite, to me everything was a perfect fit. I had to be back.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Easy money?

I like to believe that a new person was born the second she closed the door. I opened a new tab on the computer for Google Translator while reading a few people type in the chatroom “hi Sofia”. It was the first time someone called me that, that wasn’t me, not yet at least, it wasn’t the name my parents gave me but it was the name I chose for my new life. The beginning of a new me.

I saw more tips coming and took off the top of my lingerie set in the most awkward and uncomfortable way. I was there, topless, confused and vulnerable without saying a word, just typing “thanks” every time a guy would give me a tip, covering my breasts with my hands and long hair, I was shaking the whole time. After about 2 hours I left, I had to go to University to get my payments sorted out. I made a total of 1047 Tokens on my first day, it was about $52, almost $150,000 Colombian Pesos, the same amount of money I’d make working at any job I had previously for about 5 days, of course the studio would take half of it, but the money was still good.

After leaving work that day I kept saying to myself -“This is easy money”-, I was happy and excited thinking about how much more I could make in about a week, a month, a year, but the reality is, that I just got a lucky day, most days I’d be happy making half of it. I was scheduled to work between 7am till 1pm with the option of taking one day off per week, that allowed me to go to University in the afternoons and soon enough my new routine started. The following days weren’t as easy, most of the days I was able to make only 300 Tokens $15 and I’d get only half of it, meaning for 6 hours online I’d make about $7,50. Thinking about that number now in 2018, after all I’ve been through seems scary, but at the time that was actually pretty good for me.

It took me a couple of weeks to start meeting guys, made one or two friends that would come to see me everyday, it was always the highlight of my day knowing someone would be there to keep me company. Slowly I started feeling comfortable in my own skin, I always thought I was too ugly, too fat, too pale, I thought my boobs were too small, and a bunch of crap I heard from other people and thought was true. It felt like the guys saw me with different eyes, it took me months to believe my body is good the way it is, the journey of falling in love with myself began with “Sofia”.

Life was going good, I was finally at university meeting all these amazing people that wanted to make the world a better place. I was so passionate about being a psychologist, I was a bookworm, did all my homework, read every book, etc. However, the whole time I felt bad. I couldn’t be honest about where I worked or what I do with any of my new friends. I was afraid of being judged, I was terrified everyone there would find out and make jokes about me. I kept it secret and those secrets never allowed me to get close to anyone, I felt like I couldn’t have a true friend anymore. I decided to try be friends with girls in the studio, but there were not many girls in the morning, maybe no one wanted to work  those hours or the place wasn’t that popular. I never told my boyfriend what I was doing, so I kept it all to myself for a very long time.

Once the guy I was dating used my laptop to enter Facebook but guess what? He forgot to logout and I am a very curious person, as you can imagine I did the wrong, creepy, stalker thing checking his messages and found conversations with our high school friends saying nasty things. He told a few guys how much of a freak I’m in the bedroom, how I like it rough and hard and he couldn’t keep up with me (yes, the same boyfriend that fell asleep on me every time and btw, we never had any sexual interaction) I found other conversations of him denying our relationship, telling some people he just made a bet to be with me and that was about it, other messages to his ex begging her to be back with him and many others I don’t even want to think about. It’s hard to describe what I felt that night, I cried a little, closed the laptop and wrote for hours in my diary. By the end of the night I came to the conclusion that I was free again. No more BF bullshit, I was by myself ready to take the world and make it mine.

The next day I took a break while I was online to call him, I wanted to get him to confess, and he did, we broke up that day and that was the last time we spoke. What I didn’t know is that my boss was listening to my conversation from outside the room. He acted weird sometimes, I knew for a fact he saw me when I was online, he’d made comments about the lighting, the lingerie I was wearing or the conversations I had with the guys, it was like there was no privacy.  That day he knocked on the door and asked to come in because we needed to speak, I covered myself in a sheet, I wasn’t wearing more than small lingerie. He came in and sat on the couch with me, -“I heard you finally broke with your little boyfriend”- he said, I nodded. He started giving me a speech about the beauty of being single, his body was getting way too close to mine, he told me how pretty I was and rubbed his thumb on my lips while telling me how much he loves when I use red lipstick and how glad he is I no longer have a boyfriend so I can focus more on my work. I didn’t say a word, I was paralyzed. He told me to keep going with my duties and left, but I knew it was time to go, my days in the studio were over. I lasted there no more than 2 months, it was a great start but I no longer felt safe there, I told my friends from the site I was going to open an account independently, they were very supportive. I picked up my stuff on a Friday night and never went back, not even to get my last payment.

I lived with my parents back then, in a house that was always filled with people coming and going. My laptop was old and I didn’t have a proper webcam, but I was more than ready to start, the new adventure was going to sneak on MyFreeCams with my parents, uncles and grandma in the house 24/7, it was the silliest and most amazing decision I ever made. I was no longer “SofiaTeen” (My camgirl name at the studio) I was ready to be “SofiAngell” a new phase, a new me and of course, I wasn’t sharing 50% of my earnings with no one.

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

“Take off your clothes”

An old black jacket, one of my mom’s shirts and ballerina shoes, those were the best clothes I had as I was heading to the first place to visit. My legs were weak since the minute I walked out of the house holding a folder with a few copies of my CV. I left the bus again at Calle 45 Station and started heading to the address I had on a paper, my search started in a 7 story building. I thought I was in the wrong place, I walked up stairs and saw many offices, lawyers, accountants, just regular businesses but on the fifth floor was a cam girl studio, hidden of course.

I knocked on the door and a beautiful girl wearing yoga pants greeted me, she told me to come in and introduced me to the owner, a woman around 40 years old, she took my CV, stared at me from head to toe and told the girl that opened the door to show me around. The place was nice, they had beautiful rooms for each girl, it smelled nice and had some art work on the walls. I felt comfortable, while the girl showed me around I asked -“do you do this too?”- she said yes. -“how much money you make?”- she told me a number around $2’000,000 COP a month (around $720) which is pretty good for Colombia. -“how much money can I make if I’m just starting?”- I remember having so many questions, but all she said was –“your income is completely up to you”-.

She showed me a big white board where they write down how much money each girl makes per day and explained that they have daily competitions to see who is making the most. The idea of competition freaked me out, -“I can’t do this, it’s too much pressure”- I thought, I thanked them and went to the next place, I left shaking a little bit, thinking that the job wasn’t gonna be easy, I wasn’t as pretty as the girls working there.

I started walking to the second place, located next to a big University, it was a weekday and the street was crowded with people around my age. Since the minute I turned around the corner to get there I felt anxious, –“she’s heading to that studio”- I thought everyone was thinking, but I was already there and wanted to get in the house as soon as possible. I rang the bell and an attractive man opened, he was about 6’2 with the perfect tan and fitness body I never asked his age, but I think he was in his late 30’s  –“it can’t be here”- I thought, I felt so insecure and nervous. He smiled and said –“Hello, how can I help you?”– I stared at him for a few seconds and said -“We spoke earlier on the phone yesterday, I’m here for the interview”-. He asked me to come in, it was a small house with 4 rooms, we went to his office, a small desk under the stairs in the middle of a camming room and a small bathroom. I was shaking and stared at him pretending to be confident, I needed to feel like I was still in control, but I wasn’t, I just walked inside a house of a stranger possibly to do porn stuff and nobody knew where I was and no one else was in the house. #WTF!!??

Everything going on was intimidating, he seemed very serious, asked a few questions, how old I was, why do I want to do this job and if I’ve ever been naked in front of a camera. He took my ID and took some pictures of my face, a woman came in the house with shopping bags, he introduced me to her, it was his wife and I started feeling more comfortable, she was a very beautiful and kind woman. They gave me a tour of the house, showed me the 3 rooms available to work in, explained the work hours and told me if everything gets authorized by the site I could start working in 2 days.

His wife told me to come the next Thursday to take some pictures for my webpage, she asked if I had some lingerie or sexy underwear I could bring with me, –“you’re going to need it”- she said. Besides the weirdness of everything I felt good, I was comfortable in that place. When I left I was wondering if the people outside knew what was going on in that small house, if they were whispering to each other –“look, she’s one of those naked girls on the internet”- but I had a huge smile on my face and for a minute I stopped caring.

After that I went home and told my mom I got a job at a call center again, that I could pay for University because this time I was getting paid by commission so I would be making good money. Happiness & peace were in my head, I couldn’t wait for Thursday.

A red set of lingerie was all I had, no sexy panties, no seducing clothes just one thing. When Thursday finally came I got to the studio early in the morning, the wife of my boss (by the way, he specifically suggested I refer to him as boss the day of the interview) told me to get changed in the bathroom and wear some makeup to look seductive. I was nervous, I’ve always been insecure about my body and now I was getting photographed in lingerie by a woman I just met. She told me to smile, told me I was pretty and reminded me many times to relax. After a small photo session she told me to come to the room where the girls work, there was an old computer a webcam a red couch and a lamp, the room was small but I was excited. She handled me a paper to have a guide about english because… yeah! I had very little knowledge of English when I got into this camming world, I could barely say “hi, thank you, please & good bye”. 

She turned the computer on and told me I was already looking sexy so I better start straight away. I had no idea what to do or what was going on, I was terrified, things were happening too quick. She opened the MyFreeCams Broadcaster, and got me online before I knew how the page worked. I saw myself on the screen, I was ONLINE! without any training about how the software worked, without knowing the rules, knowing NADA basically.

She hid from the camera but she was there with me in the room, people were typing in the chatroom, but I couldn’t understand a word, suddenly a guy tipped me 150 Tokens, my first ever tip. I wasn’t quiet sure about how much that was so I looked at her and asked –“what do I do?”- she smiled and said –“take off your clothes”- as she walked out and closed the door, I officially got left to figure things out on my own.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Pretty enough?

At the time I was seeing a guy from back in high school, we’d been dating for about a month, we went to the pub every weekend, he was the bad influence type of guy, but I was enjoying what we had, he was perhaps all I needed. It was fun, but the relationship was lacking desire, it was like a never ending party but nothing more. One of those weekends we spent the night with some of his friends drinking and smoking menthol cigarettes, everyone went to sleep around 4:00am.

I went to a room with him, he laid down and fell asleep without even trying a move, –am I not pretty enough for you?- I thought. I felt rejected and sad again. I found myself awake, looking at him sleeping and wondering why he wouldn’t want me. The hours passed and all I could think of was, if people on the internet would want me at all and what if they would? The idea didn’t seem so bad at that time. I was only wearing panties a loose shirt without a bra sitting at the edge of the bed still looking at him wondering if he even found me attractive at all, I felt pretty that night, pretty enough to take off my clothes to show my naked body without feeling shame but nobody there willing to see it.

I spent the whole night awake, reading back the pages of my old diary that I used to carry everywhere. I was embarrassed realizing how pathetic my life was getting again, dating a man because I was bored and hoping for him to show me my worth. I was an expert at jumping from relationship to relationship, terrified of being alone. I needed someone to believe in me, to see the good things about me I could no longer find.

The sun came out, I was there, restless checking how much money I had, I found a 20,000 COP bill (no more than $7) that’s all I had, not much, but enough to get a decent breakfast and get around the city. I left before he woke up, walked to the bus station with my mind going a million miles per hour, my heart racing with sadness, the strangest and most unwanted feeling in the world. I took an empty bus and sat at the back, I was going home. The bus was heading south of the city and was going to pass Chapinero, an area near the center of the city, I remember then, that’s where those “erotic shows places” were. I quickly checked my diary, I had the addresses and the phone numbers of those places I wrote just in case.

I was still terrified, but without thinking I left the bus at Calle 45 station, my hunt for a new job started. It felt like a walk of shame, since the minute I left the bus, like if every person there knew exactly what I was doing, where I was going, their eyes were judging me at least they were in my head.

I walked for about 15 minutes and made it to the first place, an old rusty house in the middle of a normal neighborhood, I knocked on the door, a young woman came out and greeted me -“I’m here to find out about the job”-, I said. She smiled and waved me to come in. I remember a few things, sometimes my mind went blank, the place was overwhelming, my hands were sweating, and my knees were weak. There was a few big rooms with blankets to divide the space where the girls worked, there was no intimacy, dirty mattresses on the floor and old computers with webcams, it smelt like humidity and sadness, I was petrified, just staring at the environment then a girl wrapped on a blanket ran in front of me heading quickly to the bathroom, she seemed happy, I was thinking she probably just made a lot of money taking off her clothes.

The tour around the place kept going, it was time to talk to the owner downstairs, he was a middle age guy, who gave me a strong hand shake while telling me proudly how the police don’t come as often as they used to, -Police, is this job even legal?– I thought. He explained a little bit how the work was done, -“You take privates and charge per minute, take off your clothes and do a show”- he said, I still had no idea what a private was, it felt like he was speaking in a whole different language -“You can make around 3’000,000 COP ($1000) a month working full time”- looking at me with a perky smile, I looked at the girl that opened the door with doubt in my eyes, she was next to me and told me –“you’re going to love this, it’s amazing”-I was only wondering if the guy would masturbate watching the girls that worked there on his computer, I got even more scared than I already was, that place wasn’t for me, I thanked them and went home feeling dirty, like if being in that place took away a part of me. The excitement was gone, all was left was shame and guilt. -How did I end up here?– I wondered while I was on the crowded bus going home.

The days passed and I was running out of time, It was the beginning of July 2012 and University was starting soon, I had less options to get the money I needed and if I didn’t get it on time I’d lose the scholarship. –Taking off your clothes can’t be that hard-, I kept thinking, -maybe I just needed to find a better place to do it-, I looked around the web a little more, called a few places and made appointments to visit other possible work options, printed my CV and found my best clothes to wear in my job interview. I was ready to take my clothes off, ready to be seen and get paid for it, this was the beginning of a new me.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Where do I start?

A close friend of mine told me: “start from the beginning”…

I grew up in Bogotá, Colombia, in a small and humble neighborhood in the south of the city. My whole life I experienced ups and downs with my family’s financial situation. Sometimes we had enough, sometimes we ended up having to “borrow water” from the neighbors. It was hard when water company would suspend the service due to non payment. When I was 12 my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school so I spent a whole year in the house, mostly on the roof staring at the people walking and watching tv. I enjoyed talking to the owners of the stores on my street during this time. I had no friends my age to go out and play with, so I made friends with the people that had stores and small businesses around the block, I was so happy! They taught me about life, mistakes, told me stories and one of them even hired me as manicure assistant.

Time passed and things got better, we moved to another neighborhood and had mesmerizing experiences for about 2 years, until I finished high school. My biggest dream was to study psychology for the same reason most do… “to help people”  however, when it was time to start college my family situation got bad again. We went back to the old house and there was no money to fund my dream, it was 2009 and the semester for Psychology was about $1,000. My family made a huge effort to help me and I started my journey, but after a year they couldn’t pay it anymore. That was it, I felt my dream was gone.

After looking around a bit I got a job at a vacations center in a small town near Bogotá. I was helping with activities for families, the experience was fun. We learned how to talk in public, direct aerobics, learned choreographies for dancing performances and became part of a community that truly believed magic was real. “Mystic” was the word we used there, it referred to doing our job out of love, putting our heart in it and not just doing it for payment, that was the greatest lesson I got from my first real job.

I was there for about a year then took some time to procrastinate life, took some jobs at libraries or call centers till I had enough to travel. I backpacked down South America for a couple months, slept at train stations, had to ask people on the street for money to eat but it  still felt like most exciting adventure in the world.

After I returned from Argentina I found myself thinking that my life was going to be a failure.  My biggest goal back then was to marry someone, have a few kids and become a housewife for the rest of my life, I killed my dreams, I killed my ambition and told myself a lie that I wasn’t good at anything. I remember dating some guy from the block, sometimes I’d go help him with his store,  I wasn’t happy in that relationship but it was the only thing I had at the time, or at least that was what I thought. He broke up with me and told me it was the best for both of us if we went in different directions, that day I felt like the only thing I had in my life was vanishing away, I felt alone, abandoned and the thoughts of not being good enough were stronger than ever. I was devastated.

No job, no relationship, no life, no future, no NADA! I felt like my life was ending. I spent weeks crying, but now I’m aware that I wasn’t sad for breaking up with him, I was devastated for realizing how miserable my life was. I had absolutely nothing to fight for, I had no goals and more than once I felt like it was time to end it all. I couldn’t see an open door, I was alone.

Out of nowhere I found in my house a book that talked about “frequency  & positive stuff” a book that talked about the law of attraction and other concepts that I wasn’t familiar with, I read a few pages and started changing little by little my outlook in life.

For some reason I ended up joining a Catholic group and started going to church every day and praying to Mary and things I’ve never done in my life, it felt good at the time and bought great things to my life. I was so involved with the church and it opened a door to go back to University, they helped me with a half scholarship and all I had to do was find the rest of the money. It was 2012 and I needed around $500 for the first semester. I still had no job, no money, but was decided to find a way to make it work.

I remembered that one time someone told me about this particular job on the internet where you can make some money typing some documents in a Notary, so I started looking at the ads in the newspaper about it. I called a few places and I was kinda shocked and scared when I realized there was no such thing as typing documents. It was  doing erotic shows on the internet for people outside Colombia. I freaked out and just hung up, being naked on the internet?, hell no! that’s not what I want to do, sounds kinda scary, then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong if I went in that direction. I was petrified, I always saw myself as an ugly person, why would someone want to see me on the internet? why would someone pay for that? As weird as it sounds, it wasn’t a moral discomfort what was bothering me like people would expect, it was the fact that I though no one could possibly like me, after all… thinking I’m not good enough was something that I kept in my mind for many years.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00