Simoncita

This story begins in April 25th 2016.

I’ve always been trying to get into the whole fitness thing, I see so many people with those great bodies and I wanted to join the club so I hired a “fitness coach”.  He was a tall, handsome muscular man. He gave me a list of workouts and a list of ingredients to make a bunch of weird food.

I’m one of those people that likes to start things on Mondays, so of course I did my grocery shopping on a Monday afternoon. That day I walked to the mall to buy for the first time the ingredients for my first healthy meal. It was around 6:00pm and I was heading to the butcher to buy a bunch of meat and chicken for my recipes. That’s when I saw him, a blonde beautiful and perfect furry ball walking into the mall like he owned the place, I kept looking around wondering who was brave enough to walk into a mall with a dog without a leash. But is like no one else besides the security guard and me noticed his presence there, he kicked the little dog out and I ran behind him.

I kept looking around outside yelling to everyone around, –“¿De quién es este perrito?”- (Who is the owner of this dog?). But people just stared at me saying nothing. I dropped my grocery bags, went on my knees, took off my jacket and wrapped him in it to take him to my apartment. I kept talking to the little dog the whole way, asking him where his parents were and why was he going to the mall. I entered the building and the security guard asked me if I got a new dog. I nodded, she asked me –“¿Cómo se llama el perrito”?- (What’s the name of the little dog?) I said Simón. A name I always liked for a dog, wasn’t hard for me to think of a name quickly, he totally looked like a Simón.

I entered my apartment with this furry ball in my arms and let him run around. Jaco (my 1 year old Golden Retriever) smelled the intruder, then the little dog ran into my bedroom and peed. That’s when I noticed he was a girl. –“OK, I guess you’re Simona now”– I thought.

I served her a big plate of food she lay down on the floor and just ate, a bit afraid of Jaco, but after a few minutes they became best friends as you can see in the first picture I took of them. She made herself at home while outside a big storm was starting. I was so glad she was under a roof with food in her belly that night. That’s the day I met what I always called “my soul dog”.

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I never knew what happened to her before we found each other, I wondered for months if she had a home and got lost, or if her family kicked her out from their house or if she simply was born and lived on the street always. So many questions with no answer, but the only thing I was certain is that she wasn’t going back to the streets ever.

The next morning I took them both for a walk, she didn’t know that her name was Simona or that I was going to protect her and be her mom, so the first chance she got she ran away. I was chasing her for a few blocks, yelling her name so loud hoping someone would grab her for me. Finally we got to a corner and I put her on the leash. I was so scared I’d lose her but it felt like she was very afraid of me.

After that we went to the vet and made sure she was in good condition. I put posters on the missing dogs pages but no one ever called. I even went to all the buildings around asking security guards if they’ve seen her before but got no positive answers, but I was kinda hoping I could keep her. Simona was such a blessing in my life, oh and before I carry on, after the first day when she escaped she never left my side during walks. She seemed scared of being left behind. No matter how many dogs were playing in the park she would mostly stay by me. She liked people more than she liked dogs, funny thing I like dogs way more than I like people. We were perfect for each other.

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What can I say about her? She was very little, loved the attention, and was the one that taught me how to play fetch, the only dog I’ve known that likes to cuddle, she was the type of dog that made everyone feel special, that was her super power. Like no matter how your day was or how you feel about yourself she’d make you feel like the king of the world. Jaco has always been a serious dog, he has the personality of a guide dog but Simona was always crazy. Every time I finished a cam session she’d run up to me and lick my face, jump around and made me feel like the most amazing girl. When days were bad she was always jumping around to make me forget about the stress, she could cheer anyone up, she was magical.

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My dogs were one of my biggest motivations to leave Colombia, when I visited the USA, I noticed those big houses with backyards and dogs running around like in the movies and that’s what I wanted. Taking 2 dogs to the USA was a whole mission but seeing them both running in the snow and living in a house with a backyard was a dream come true.

Life was awesome! I mean, not every day you see a street dog from Bogotá running in the snow in a small town in New England, do you? The back yard as you can see was enormous and they had all the supervised freedom they wanted.

There was the time for a vacation after all that moving right? So I took a trip to N.Z. (New Zealand), one of my favorite places in the world, in May that year. I took advantage of my family visiting so they could look after my babies. Things went well, they were happy to look after the house and spoil my dogs while I was away.

After my trip I started to considering living in N.Z. the time zone was really appealing for cam time, I felt safe there too, did some research and a couple months later I took another trip there to see how I feel, check a few places where I could possibly move to, etc. I needed to make sure I had everything I needed for when the moment came.

July was ending and I guess the idea of leaving my dogs in a kennel seemed mean, especially to Simona, she always slept with me on the bed cuddling, I guess she needed that extra love. When I left her in a kennel for a day or two in the past I felt like my heart started to fall into pieces. I did what I thought it was right. I got my parents tickets from Bogotá to Boston again so they could look after Jaco and Simona during my trip. I didn’t want them to be sad, my parents had looked after them many times so I was very relaxed.

The day I was leaving I was running late for the airport so I left kinda quick without kissing both my dogs, the trip wasn’t going to be that long and they were in good hands, I left feeling good. On this trip, I took a few things with me, including my diaries for the past few years. I wanted to entertain my mind on the plane reading my own old stories.

It was winter down in N.Z. So most of the time I was inside the house where I stayed reading my old diary. On August 8th before I went to bed I read so many pages from the year before and started to wonder why I spend all of my energy with people from MyFreeCams. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, all I cared about back then was my rank on the website I worked for, thats when I told myself I need to focus more on my happiness and started to wonder if maybe what I was doing wasn’t making me as happy anymore.

The night of August 9th I watched for the first time a video where Oprah was talking I was so inspired that night I felt my heart beating so hard as I wrote in my diary -“Siento que cosas mágicas van a pasar cuando logre enfocarme en las cosas correctas”- (“I feel like magical things are going to happen when I manage to focus on the right things”). I wrote so much that night, I felt like it was the beginning of a new me. I decided that night not to let my job as a CamGirl dictate who I was. I wanted to spend more time working on myself, making that decision made me feel like I was heading on right direction, then I went to sleep with an enormous sense of peace.

On August 10th I woke up happy, ready to make a few changes. I was brushing my teeth and got a text from my parents asking me to Skype them. I told them I was gonna call them after I ate my breakfast, then the friend I had in the USA texted me asking me if I have spoken to my parents yet. That’s when I froze, something was wrong and believe me, as I write this I feel the same pain I felt that day. I immediately called him and said -“What the fuck is going on?”- He was crying and told me Simona got out of the house earlier that day and she got hit by a car, I just said -“Just tell me she’s going to be ok”- he took a breathe and said the most painful words I’ve heard in my entire life,  -“She passed away”-. I hung up, I couldn’t believe it, never in my life until that moment I knew what it was like to scream out cause of a broken heart.

It took me days to realize I was never going to see her again, I was so angry asking myself over and over WHY??? Is like the moment I got clarity and started focusing on being a better me a tragedy happened. I still don’t understand why. Why her? Why was the driver going over the speed limit? Why none of the people walking by stopped and grabbed her? Why my dad lost track of her? Why the fuck didn’t I keep the collar for the electric fence on her? Can you believe I just felt so bad for her and I couldn’t imagine her feeling any kind of pain so I took it off? Why didn’t I leave her at the kennel? Why did I leave Colombia? Why wasn’t I there? Why? Why? Why?

I stopped writing on my diaries for weeks. All I can remember is pain, anger and frustrations. When I got back to the USA Simona’s ashes got given to me in a wood box, inside a green paper bag with condolences notes. I couldn’t even look at my parents in the eye. I was so mad at them. I was so mad at me. I was so mad at God.

There’s not enough words to describe what she truly meant to me. On the outside I was pretending to be strong, never let my parents know how I was really feeling. Never screamed out of pain in front of anyone. But it hurt like you can’t imagine, and still does, perhaps it’ll always hurt, but it is a pain I’m learning to live with and deal with the sadness every once in a while.

It has been 332 days since Simona left this world. I still struggle to find the woman I was before I lost her, I gave away all my money trying to find answers, trying to find “me” again but I guess that person is gone. The one writing this is the one who’s left and I’m still getting adjusted to the changes.

Good bye Simona.

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The land of the free?

Arriving to JFK airport was a relief, I was really concerned about my dogs but as soon as I saw them near the baggage claim barking like there was no tomorrow I felt a lot of peace. Exiting the airport was the big challenge for me, I had never experienced in my life temperatures below 30F and of course I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. The friend I had picked me up and drove to the home I rented at a distance, a small house in New England. It was right on the boarder between Connecticut & Massachusetts. It was a strange feeling every time I went to the store, went to get Chipotle or buy groceries it’d be in a different state.

I remember arriving to the house and letting my dogs out to run around on the huge property. My back yard looked more like a big forest than part of a house. The inside was cozy and had a bath, I always wanted to live in a house with a bath, it was one of the happiest days of my life and there was me and my 2 furry babies ready to start a new life. I had nothing there besides some furniture that was already in the house so I took my first trip to Costco to spend nearly $800 USD on “kitchen appliances”. (I’m sure some Americans can relate to a trip to Costco that gets out of hand)

There’s so many things I love about the USA, I mean, being there has been the dream of my life since I can remember, not gonna lie, I love everything about that country. Simple things like feeling safe driving, texting while I’m walking on the street without looking behind my shoulder wondering if someone would rob me was a luxury I didn’t have in Colombia. I got used to those things pretty quick.

Most people see the United States as a land of freedom, and I want to open up today to you guys and confess I never had a sense of freedom while I was there. As you know, I got someone’s help to rent a house and do a few things I couldn’t do for my own at the time, so most of the basic things over there weren’t even under my name. It was all on him, the car, the house, the power bill, even the goddam internet. I felt like I owed that guy my soul, so the whole time I was living there I felt obligated to be “his”, not in a romantic way or anything similar, but I can tell you it was a toxic relationship that obligated me to invite him to everything, hang out almost every weekend and I never let myself get involved with the community or made a effort to meet anyone else.

Unfortunately I messed up my small paradise by coping with a toxic person for so long, things weren’t fair for both sides and I was too blind to realize I gave this person absolute control over my life. Many times I felt scared and obligated to do things I didn’t want to. Are you obligated to be someone’s friend because they are helping you when no one else is willing to? Maybe, maybe not. But there I was living in my dream place feeling like I wasn’t the owner of my life it felt more like I was some kind of prisoner.

I remember many good times, as everything in life is not only black or white. One of my favorite memories I got is the time my whole family visited. They arrived to the airport in Boston and I picked them up holding an American flag and small blue hats (The ones people use during 4th of July) Colombians can be a bit dramatic when it comes to seeing family after some time apart. During their visit, I took them to my favorite places. Museums, the zoo, the aquarium but they seemed more interested in going shopping, so the perfect plan for them was to go to Walmart or places like Ross to get cool stuff for a small price. Just so you have an idea, they arrived with 2 checked bags and left the USA with 8 (plus they left a bag full of clothes that they couldn’t fit in their luggage).

One of my sweetest memories was the time I took my parents to Chipotle for the first time. The face my dad made after taking his first bite was hilarious. Honestly the way I can describe it is like he just tasted heaven and came back to earth, he kept moaning loudly and repeating how good it was until everyone started looking at us and my mom yelled at him to shut up (All angry Latina mom style). It was embarrassingly awesome, perhaps that’s one of the reasons of why I love that place so much.

That summer with my family there was one of the most beautiful times of my life, we took a road trip to New York, Washington D.C and got to see Niagara Falls, it was all a dream and I remember it all with a grateful heart, how funny is that the happiest moments I ever had there was with my family, those wonderful people I left behind with the hope to get a better life. Sometimes I think I’m more attached to them than I realize.

Life was great, but things changed after August I can say there’s two of me: Before and After August 2017, that’s the time when my whole world went down hill.

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Good bye Mom & Dad!

I used to spend hours googling how to do a better in this job, after all, sneaking online from my parents house wasn’t giving me the best results. I found a few blogs and by chance, met a camgirl that was giving advice to other girls in the industry. Sometimes the universe conspires to give you exactly what you need.

When I got back from my first trip to the U.S I started to see and feel things differently. The whole hiding to be able to get online didn’t feel right anymore. It was absolutely no way to get myself anywhere. I wasn’t comfortable with the space where I was so I decided to move in with the girl I met. It was impossible for me to rent a place for myself back then, so the roommate experience was exactly what I needed.

I didn’t have a penny, not even to afford the truck taking my small bed (my only possession) to her apartment but I was sure things would work out perfectly. It was one of those times when you know everything is going to be alright, but you got no evidence, no proof. Something inside of me kept giving me strength and confidence.

Telling my parents I was leaving wasn’t easy, I’m not sure how things are where you guys are from, but in Colombia, most of the people my age (I was 22 back then) live with their parents. My mom cried, she told me she thought she was going to have me longer then said -“Definitivamente los hijos son prestados”-, which I’m not sure how to translate LOL. My dad hugged me and called my uncles to celebrate that I was becoming a responsible adult.

Leaving my parents house was a goodbye to “Sofi_Angell”. The person taking the camgirl thing serious sounded more like “SofiaStorm”, and ever since then I haven’t changed my name back. I arrived to the cozy apartment with my parents and siblings, every step, every big decision, they were always there. I had 2 small boxes with clothes, a bed and a table my sister gave me. I was really intimidated being away from “home” but I was absolutely sure it was the beginning of something awesome.

The first night at the new place was rough, it was like adulthood hit me for the first time. I had to make sure I’d take being a camgirl seriously. I had to pay rent, buy my own food and make sure I was still maintaining my grades at University but it took me a while to get back on track.

My room was small, the walls were plain white and it had a blue curtain. When I started getting online I wasn’t making tons of money but I earned enough to make it through the days, slowly I started to meet new friends. I was happy, here’s an old screenshot I found, so you can see how happy I was 🙂

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Along the way I had the chance to meet other camgirls, I even went to a conference once to learn more about this industry and how to do better. Being around other girls started reinforcing my beliefs that I wasn’t good at this job, all the girls at that conference were all done up, absolutely gorgeous and then there was me, awkwardly trying to fit in. I started feeling discouraged by seeing the amount of girls way prettier than me making tons of money, I was thinking perhaps I should focus on doing something else, but the responsibilities made me stay and try my best to enjoy it.

I stayed with my roommate for about a year, then finally got the courage to get my own place, it was my dream apartment right next to my university on the 17th floor. Being on my own was even a bigger responsibility but with time I made it work. I met awesome people on MyFreeCams and all of the sudden everything was going great for me. New house, new life, I even got a precious dog. Life was going awesome and work was going better than ever. (Pic of my first week online after I moved)

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After about 2 months of happiness and feeling like I owned the world I started freaking out about college, I was just about to finish all my grades and the next 2 years were going to be about practical work or as I said “working for free”. On average, a psychologist makes around $1,000 USD a month in Colombia, but if you’re starting, you probably make half of it if you’re lucky, but more than likely less.

At the time I was making around $8,000 USD per month, if I kept going to school, it’d mean I’d have to take a lot of time off to do the practical work and still I’d have to go to University, I had to choose between finishing my career as a psychologist or starting a full time one as a camgirl. My final decision wasn’t hard to make at all.

I didn’t really have close friends at University, I never did. So leaving without telling anyone wasn’t much of a challenge. I started putting all my focus and attention on my job and started seeing better results, but every day I was becoming more and more isolated. In my case it is hard to make friends in what I call “the real word”, most people make conversation about what they do for a living and back then I wasn’t ready to tell anyone –“I take my clothes off for money on the internet”-. Life started getting really lonely.

My way to handle the isolation and loneliness ended up teaching me a lot of life lessons that I’m grateful for today. I became really close with some of the members on the site, developed feelings and all kinds of emotions. Things started to feel “too real” but I guess all I wanted was a friend, someone to talk to and maybe feel normal? I don’t even know how to call my stupidity from a few years ago. I got blinded by my own emotions and my need to connect with people that I agreed to meet some guys in person and meeting guys face to face rarely ends well from my own experience.

Many things happened, things I’ve never spoken about before. I found myself having to go to the police multiple times, life became a nightmare after being abused physically and mentally by a member from the site. My family suffered harassment and many times I felt like my life was in danger. The stalker experience was absolutely the most traumatic experience I’ve had in my life. I’m really grateful everything ended after filling a lot paperwork and giving evidence it in a court house in the USA. That’s indeed one of the darkest moments of my life as a camgirl.

On the other hand, besides all the mentally unstable people in this world, I can confidently say that I made pretty awesome friends in this community, my heart feels warm when I think about the times we share our life experiences together and connect in a environment where we all feel safe.

At the beginning of 2017 I decided that I wanted to leave Colombia, I had my apartment with everything I’d always wanted, I had my dream car, my dream life but I knew it was time to move to the next step, I had this burning desire for a new life. I’ve grown up in an environment where you’re scared of everything, I felt unsafe driving, walking my dogs or even crossing the street to go to the mall. In my heart I knew Colombia wasn’t my home anymore. I gave away everything I owned and worked so hard to get, but with the help of an friend I had in the USA I got a place in a small town in New England and again, it was time to say “good bye” to my parents, It was going to be way more difficult to visit them now.

I cried the whole way from Aeropuerto Internacional El Dorado till I made it to JFK International Airport. Seeing the sad look in grandma’s eyes broke my heart, leaving Colombia was a mix of tears and excitement that I remember with nostalgia. Being away from everything and everyone I knew was a challenge. A whole new life was waiting for me and I was ready to achieve another one of my everlasting dreams… to live in America.

 

 

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Visa para un sueño

Getting the paperwork and payment sorted out for my independent cam girl account seemed so difficult at the time, my english was not very good, but with time and patience I got it all ready. The account was approved and I managed to buy a second hand webcam to make it official, I was ready to roll.

Being online was not as easy for me anymore, being “your own boss” can at times make you relax too much, the procrastination began. At the studio I was online 6 days a week, at home I was lucky if I was on 6 days a month.

November was my first month starting by myself, I made a total of 13460 Tokens, ($673), way more than any amount I’d ever earned at the studio. In December I made in the whole month 9717 Tokens ($485) and just today checking my stats I realized I disappeared after December, it wasn’t until June 2013 I returned. If I’m completely honest I think I just ran out of money. Some of my friends would send me some cash via Western Union to help me pay for University, books, etc. I was never 100% comfortable with that.

The only thing I can tell you is that I wasn’t good at completing tasks, the average money I’d made monthly working at my parents house was $300. I hated being online there, sometimes I’d be in the middle of a show and my dad would knock on the door asking me to cut the onions for the salad at lunch, other times I had to disconnect my webcam because someone was trying to get into my room, there was absolutely no privacy, it made me sad knowing I couldn’t get online with any peace and I didn’t even want to try, of course no one in my family knew what was I up to when I locked myself in the room.

I was close to being caught so many times, so getting online was a combination of adrenaline and worries, perhaps a bit of excitement. The most difficult part was taking a private show, I didn’t want to be naked doing, well… stuff and have someone knocking on my door asking me to make lunch or go to the store. I kind of stopped taking the job seriously and treated it like a hobby.

Here is a screenshot I found from back in the day…

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Since I can remember, I always dreamed about visiting the USA, I’ve been writing about it on my diaries since the age of 12. I promised one day I’d take myself to Disneyland, Hollywood, Universal Studios and would make a way to live there permanently. I was in love with America even before I set a foot there. Meeting so many people on MyFreeCams from my dream country was fascinating, I’d always ask them to send me pictures or describe what places are like, it was exciting for me just to even dream of visiting one day.

I had a friend from primary school that was working in Los Angeles and asked me to come and see what America is like. I didn’t have much to pay for the trip, but one of my friends from the site encouraged me to do it, he wasn’t a rich guy but he was a life saver multiple times. He even paid for my visa fees. I don’t know if any Americans readers could possibly imagine what asking for a visa to visit a country is like.

When you apply for a visa you show up at the embassy at a certain time, to see a line of hundreds of people filled with dreams, expectations and excitement, and there I was joining everyone’s hopes. Being in that line was one of the most scary things I’ve done, (I’m even shaking right now remembering what it was like). You can tell everyone is on their best behavior, wearing the best clothes to make a good impression. My dad took me to the embassy and waited outside, he kept telling me to be calm but I couldn’t stop shaking. I was so afraid my dreams would fade away by an officer rejecting my visa.

I finally got asked to come inside after waiting in the line on the street for over 30 minutes I was officially in USA territory. The first thing I noticed was the American flag waving in the wind, I started tearing up, I never felt so close to my dream. I waited in 3 different lines, one line to give my pictures away, another line for them to take my fingerprints and the last one to speak to the immigration consul. Everyone was quiet, the energy was heavy as I saw people coming one by one holding folders with a bunch of papers they don’t even ask for, I saw people crying after their visas got denied and other’s celebrating that they can take their trip to America, not knowing how my visit to the embassy was going to end gave me a lot of anxiety.

After 2 hours of standing in lines I walked to talk to the consul, she was a scary looking blond woman that asked many questions I wasn’t prepared to answer. I stuttered with every answer, my whole body was shaking, I was terrified. She noticed that and gave me a paper back with my passport. My visa got declined, it was the one of the saddest moments I remember. I left covered in tears, I cried non stop for the rest of the day.

When I got home I put on Fox TV. and watched that movie Phat Girlz, then cried even more. I felt defeated, rejected, discriminated, angry for being born where I was born, frustrated and any other bad feeling you can imagine I was having. Sadness was all over me. The following days I read every single article on the internet about how to get a tourist visa without failing. I even found out people sell books and can give courses about how to get a visa approved, it seemed a bit extreme, I mean… how do you even do that? The only part that made sense to me from all the articles I read was, next time you go to the embassy make sure your situation is different, so I changed things.

Exactly a week after my visa got declined I applied again, but this time I applied with my dad, we went together, did the same lines and same process. The immigration consul was a guy this time, he was from India, I remember his accent. He was very kind, asked a few regular questions, took my passport away and told me my visa will be ready in about two weeks. I was paralyzed and kept staring at him for a few seconds, my visa just got approved! My dad had to pull me so I got out of the way. Three steps later I screamed and started jumping around. I’ve been waiting years for that opportunity and now it was a reality, I cried for about 2 hours, but this time those were happy tears.

On December 2013 I took a plane with Spirit Airlines at Aeropuerto Internacional El Dorado, I was on my way to Los Angeles, making a stop in Fort Lauderdale. The whole experience was shocking, I never saw that many people speaking english, we all hear scary stories about Colombian tourists treated badly when arriving in the USA, but none of that happened. America always treated me well.

The immigration officer was very polite, he spoke Spanish so I was way more comfortable, I was there tearing up from excitement with every step I took. Then walked to get my next plane to California. The flight to Los Angeles seemed short, I got there and my friend was ready to pick me up. I remember the first time I saw a highway, it left me speechless, the roads, the cars, the houses, everything was awesome. That month I slept on the floor the whole time, there were no more beds but I was happy. I just wanted to have a vacation so I walked around every mall, ate at McDonalds & Subway everyday and made friends with the cleaners at the mall next to where I was staying. It was one of the happiest months of my life, and by the way. I made it to Universal Studios for the first time, that place is filled with the sweetest memories.

Being in the USA for such a short time opened my eyes to new possibilities, I realize how much more there is for me and I made myself a promise that when I went back to Colombia I’d leave my parents house and take my job seriously. I had a taste of the life of my dreams and wanted to get more of it. I felt so safe in America and always thought there’s nothing else you can ask for if you are living there, everything is beautiful, the people are so polite, to me everything was a perfect fit. I had to be back.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Easy money?

I like to believe that a new person was born the second she closed the door. I opened a new tab on the computer for Google Translator while reading a few people type in the chatroom “hi Sofia”. It was the first time someone called me that, that wasn’t me, not yet at least, it wasn’t the name my parents gave me but it was the name I chose for my new life. The beginning of a new me.

I saw more tips coming and took off the top of my lingerie set in the most awkward and uncomfortable way. I was there, topless, confused and vulnerable without saying a word, just typing “thanks” every time a guy would give me a tip, covering my breasts with my hands and long hair, I was shaking the whole time. After about 2 hours I left, I had to go to University to get my payments sorted out. I made a total of 1047 Tokens on my first day, it was about $52, almost $150,000 Colombian Pesos, the same amount of money I’d make working at any job I had previously for about 5 days, of course the studio would take half of it, but the money was still good.

After leaving work that day I kept saying to myself -“This is easy money”-, I was happy and excited thinking about how much more I could make in about a week, a month, a year, but the reality is, that I just got a lucky day, most days I’d be happy making half of it. I was scheduled to work between 7am till 1pm with the option of taking one day off per week, that allowed me to go to University in the afternoons and soon enough my new routine started. The following days weren’t as easy, most of the days I was able to make only 300 Tokens $15 and I’d get only half of it, meaning for 6 hours online I’d make about $7,50. Thinking about that number now in 2018, after all I’ve been through seems scary, but at the time that was actually pretty good for me.

It took me a couple of weeks to start meeting guys, made one or two friends that would come to see me everyday, it was always the highlight of my day knowing someone would be there to keep me company. Slowly I started feeling comfortable in my own skin, I always thought I was too ugly, too fat, too pale, I thought my boobs were too small, and a bunch of crap I heard from other people and thought was true. It felt like the guys saw me with different eyes, it took me months to believe my body is good the way it is, the journey of falling in love with myself began with “Sofia”.

Life was going good, I was finally at university meeting all these amazing people that wanted to make the world a better place. I was so passionate about being a psychologist, I was a bookworm, did all my homework, read every book, etc. However, the whole time I felt bad. I couldn’t be honest about where I worked or what I do with any of my new friends. I was afraid of being judged, I was terrified everyone there would find out and make jokes about me. I kept it secret and those secrets never allowed me to get close to anyone, I felt like I couldn’t have a true friend anymore. I decided to try be friends with girls in the studio, but there were not many girls in the morning, maybe no one wanted to work  those hours or the place wasn’t that popular. I never told my boyfriend what I was doing, so I kept it all to myself for a very long time.

Once the guy I was dating used my laptop to enter Facebook but guess what? He forgot to logout and I am a very curious person, as you can imagine I did the wrong, creepy, stalker thing checking his messages and found conversations with our high school friends saying nasty things. He told a few guys how much of a freak I’m in the bedroom, how I like it rough and hard and he couldn’t keep up with me (yes, the same boyfriend that fell asleep on me every time and btw, we never had any sexual interaction) I found other conversations of him denying our relationship, telling some people he just made a bet to be with me and that was about it, other messages to his ex begging her to be back with him and many others I don’t even want to think about. It’s hard to describe what I felt that night, I cried a little, closed the laptop and wrote for hours in my diary. By the end of the night I came to the conclusion that I was free again. No more BF bullshit, I was by myself ready to take the world and make it mine.

The next day I took a break while I was online to call him, I wanted to get him to confess, and he did, we broke up that day and that was the last time we spoke. What I didn’t know is that my boss was listening to my conversation from outside the room. He acted weird sometimes, I knew for a fact he saw me when I was online, he’d made comments about the lighting, the lingerie I was wearing or the conversations I had with the guys, it was like there was no privacy.  That day he knocked on the door and asked to come in because we needed to speak, I covered myself in a sheet, I wasn’t wearing more than small lingerie. He came in and sat on the couch with me, -“I heard you finally broke with your little boyfriend”- he said, I nodded. He started giving me a speech about the beauty of being single, his body was getting way too close to mine, he told me how pretty I was and rubbed his thumb on my lips while telling me how much he loves when I use red lipstick and how glad he is I no longer have a boyfriend so I can focus more on my work. I didn’t say a word, I was paralyzed. He told me to keep going with my duties and left, but I knew it was time to go, my days in the studio were over. I lasted there no more than 2 months, it was a great start but I no longer felt safe there, I told my friends from the site I was going to open an account independently, they were very supportive. I picked up my stuff on a Friday night and never went back, not even to get my last payment.

I lived with my parents back then, in a house that was always filled with people coming and going. My laptop was old and I didn’t have a proper webcam, but I was more than ready to start, the new adventure was going to sneak on MyFreeCams with my parents, uncles and grandma in the house 24/7, it was the silliest and most amazing decision I ever made. I was no longer “SofiaTeen” (My camgirl name at the studio) I was ready to be “SofiAngell” a new phase, a new me and of course, I wasn’t sharing 50% of my earnings with no one.

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

“Take off your clothes”

An old black jacket, one of my mom’s shirts and ballerina shoes, those were the best clothes I had as I was heading to the first place to visit. My legs were weak since the minute I walked out of the house holding a folder with a few copies of my CV. I left the bus again at Calle 45 Station and started heading to the address I had on a paper, my search started in a 7 story building. I thought I was in the wrong place, I walked up stairs and saw many offices, lawyers, accountants, just regular businesses but on the fifth floor was a cam girl studio, hidden of course.

I knocked on the door and a beautiful girl wearing yoga pants greeted me, she told me to come in and introduced me to the owner, a woman around 40 years old, she took my CV, stared at me from head to toe and told the girl that opened the door to show me around. The place was nice, they had beautiful rooms for each girl, it smelled nice and had some art work on the walls. I felt comfortable, while the girl showed me around I asked -“do you do this too?”- she said yes. -“how much money you make?”- she told me a number around $2’000,000 COP a month (around $720) which is pretty good for Colombia. -“how much money can I make if I’m just starting?”- I remember having so many questions, but all she said was –“your income is completely up to you”-.

She showed me a big white board where they write down how much money each girl makes per day and explained that they have daily competitions to see who is making the most. The idea of competition freaked me out, -“I can’t do this, it’s too much pressure”- I thought, I thanked them and went to the next place, I left shaking a little bit, thinking that the job wasn’t gonna be easy, I wasn’t as pretty as the girls working there.

I started walking to the second place, located next to a big University, it was a weekday and the street was crowded with people around my age. Since the minute I turned around the corner to get there I felt anxious, –“she’s heading to that studio”- I thought everyone was thinking, but I was already there and wanted to get in the house as soon as possible. I rang the bell and an attractive man opened, he was about 6’2 with the perfect tan and fitness body I never asked his age, but I think he was in his late 30’s  –“it can’t be here”- I thought, I felt so insecure and nervous. He smiled and said –“Hello, how can I help you?”– I stared at him for a few seconds and said -“We spoke earlier on the phone yesterday, I’m here for the interview”-. He asked me to come in, it was a small house with 4 rooms, we went to his office, a small desk under the stairs in the middle of a camming room and a small bathroom. I was shaking and stared at him pretending to be confident, I needed to feel like I was still in control, but I wasn’t, I just walked inside a house of a stranger possibly to do porn stuff and nobody knew where I was and no one else was in the house. #WTF!!??

Everything going on was intimidating, he seemed very serious, asked a few questions, how old I was, why do I want to do this job and if I’ve ever been naked in front of a camera. He took my ID and took some pictures of my face, a woman came in the house with shopping bags, he introduced me to her, it was his wife and I started feeling more comfortable, she was a very beautiful and kind woman. They gave me a tour of the house, showed me the 3 rooms available to work in, explained the work hours and told me if everything gets authorized by the site I could start working in 2 days.

His wife told me to come the next Thursday to take some pictures for my webpage, she asked if I had some lingerie or sexy underwear I could bring with me, –“you’re going to need it”- she said. Besides the weirdness of everything I felt good, I was comfortable in that place. When I left I was wondering if the people outside knew what was going on in that small house, if they were whispering to each other –“look, she’s one of those naked girls on the internet”- but I had a huge smile on my face and for a minute I stopped caring.

After that I went home and told my mom I got a job at a call center again, that I could pay for University because this time I was getting paid by commission so I would be making good money. Happiness & peace were in my head, I couldn’t wait for Thursday.

A red set of lingerie was all I had, no sexy panties, no seducing clothes just one thing. When Thursday finally came I got to the studio early in the morning, the wife of my boss (by the way, he specifically suggested I refer to him as boss the day of the interview) told me to get changed in the bathroom and wear some makeup to look seductive. I was nervous, I’ve always been insecure about my body and now I was getting photographed in lingerie by a woman I just met. She told me to smile, told me I was pretty and reminded me many times to relax. After a small photo session she told me to come to the room where the girls work, there was an old computer a webcam a red couch and a lamp, the room was small but I was excited. She handled me a paper to have a guide about english because… yeah! I had very little knowledge of English when I got into this camming world, I could barely say “hi, thank you, please & good bye”. 

She turned the computer on and told me I was already looking sexy so I better start straight away. I had no idea what to do or what was going on, I was terrified, things were happening too quick. She opened the MyFreeCams Broadcaster, and got me online before I knew how the page worked. I saw myself on the screen, I was ONLINE! without any training about how the software worked, without knowing the rules, knowing NADA basically.

She hid from the camera but she was there with me in the room, people were typing in the chatroom, but I couldn’t understand a word, suddenly a guy tipped me 150 Tokens, my first ever tip. I wasn’t quiet sure about how much that was so I looked at her and asked –“what do I do?”- she smiled and said –“take off your clothes”- as she walked out and closed the door, I officially got left to figure things out on my own.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Pretty enough?

At the time I was seeing a guy from back in high school, we’d been dating for about a month, we went to the pub every weekend, he was the bad influence type of guy, but I was enjoying what we had, he was perhaps all I needed. It was fun, but the relationship was lacking desire, it was like a never ending party but nothing more. One of those weekends we spent the night with some of his friends drinking and smoking menthol cigarettes, everyone went to sleep around 4:00am.

I went to a room with him, he laid down and fell asleep without even trying a move, –am I not pretty enough for you?- I thought. I felt rejected and sad again. I found myself awake, looking at him sleeping and wondering why he wouldn’t want me. The hours passed and all I could think of was, if people on the internet would want me at all and what if they would? The idea didn’t seem so bad at that time. I was only wearing panties a loose shirt without a bra sitting at the edge of the bed still looking at him wondering if he even found me attractive at all, I felt pretty that night, pretty enough to take off my clothes to show my naked body without feeling shame but nobody there willing to see it.

I spent the whole night awake, reading back the pages of my old diary that I used to carry everywhere. I was embarrassed realizing how pathetic my life was getting again, dating a man because I was bored and hoping for him to show me my worth. I was an expert at jumping from relationship to relationship, terrified of being alone. I needed someone to believe in me, to see the good things about me I could no longer find.

The sun came out, I was there, restless checking how much money I had, I found a 20,000 COP bill (no more than $7) that’s all I had, not much, but enough to get a decent breakfast and get around the city. I left before he woke up, walked to the bus station with my mind going a million miles per hour, my heart racing with sadness, the strangest and most unwanted feeling in the world. I took an empty bus and sat at the back, I was going home. The bus was heading south of the city and was going to pass Chapinero, an area near the center of the city, I remember then, that’s where those “erotic shows places” were. I quickly checked my diary, I had the addresses and the phone numbers of those places I wrote just in case.

I was still terrified, but without thinking I left the bus at Calle 45 station, my hunt for a new job started. It felt like a walk of shame, since the minute I left the bus, like if every person there knew exactly what I was doing, where I was going, their eyes were judging me at least they were in my head.

I walked for about 15 minutes and made it to the first place, an old rusty house in the middle of a normal neighborhood, I knocked on the door, a young woman came out and greeted me -“I’m here to find out about the job”-, I said. She smiled and waved me to come in. I remember a few things, sometimes my mind went blank, the place was overwhelming, my hands were sweating, and my knees were weak. There was a few big rooms with blankets to divide the space where the girls worked, there was no intimacy, dirty mattresses on the floor and old computers with webcams, it smelt like humidity and sadness, I was petrified, just staring at the environment then a girl wrapped on a blanket ran in front of me heading quickly to the bathroom, she seemed happy, I was thinking she probably just made a lot of money taking off her clothes.

The tour around the place kept going, it was time to talk to the owner downstairs, he was a middle age guy, who gave me a strong hand shake while telling me proudly how the police don’t come as often as they used to, -Police, is this job even legal?– I thought. He explained a little bit how the work was done, -“You take privates and charge per minute, take off your clothes and do a show”- he said, I still had no idea what a private was, it felt like he was speaking in a whole different language -“You can make around 3’000,000 COP ($1000) a month working full time”- looking at me with a perky smile, I looked at the girl that opened the door with doubt in my eyes, she was next to me and told me –“you’re going to love this, it’s amazing”-I was only wondering if the guy would masturbate watching the girls that worked there on his computer, I got even more scared than I already was, that place wasn’t for me, I thanked them and went home feeling dirty, like if being in that place took away a part of me. The excitement was gone, all was left was shame and guilt. -How did I end up here?– I wondered while I was on the crowded bus going home.

The days passed and I was running out of time, It was the beginning of July 2012 and University was starting soon, I had less options to get the money I needed and if I didn’t get it on time I’d lose the scholarship. –Taking off your clothes can’t be that hard-, I kept thinking, -maybe I just needed to find a better place to do it-, I looked around the web a little more, called a few places and made appointments to visit other possible work options, printed my CV and found my best clothes to wear in my job interview. I was ready to take my clothes off, ready to be seen and get paid for it, this was the beginning of a new me.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Where do I start?

A close friend of mine told me: “start from the beginning”…

I grew up in Bogotá, Colombia, in a small and humble neighborhood in the south of the city. My whole life I experienced ups and downs with my family’s financial situation. Sometimes we had enough, sometimes we ended up having to “borrow water” from the neighbors. It was hard when water company would suspend the service due to non payment. When I was 12 my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school so I spent a whole year in the house, mostly on the roof staring at the people walking and watching tv. I enjoyed talking to the owners of the stores on my street during this time. I had no friends my age to go out and play with, so I made friends with the people that had stores and small businesses around the block, I was so happy! They taught me about life, mistakes, told me stories and one of them even hired me as manicure assistant.

Time passed and things got better, we moved to another neighborhood and had mesmerizing experiences for about 2 years, until I finished high school. My biggest dream was to study psychology for the same reason most do… “to help people”  however, when it was time to start college my family situation got bad again. We went back to the old house and there was no money to fund my dream, it was 2009 and the semester for Psychology was about $1,000. My family made a huge effort to help me and I started my journey, but after a year they couldn’t pay it anymore. That was it, I felt my dream was gone.

After looking around a bit I got a job at a vacations center in a small town near Bogotá. I was helping with activities for families, the experience was fun. We learned how to talk in public, direct aerobics, learned choreographies for dancing performances and became part of a community that truly believed magic was real. “Mystic” was the word we used there, it referred to doing our job out of love, putting our heart in it and not just doing it for payment, that was the greatest lesson I got from my first real job.

I was there for about a year then took some time to procrastinate life, took some jobs at libraries or call centers till I had enough to travel. I backpacked down South America for a couple months, slept at train stations, had to ask people on the street for money to eat but it  still felt like most exciting adventure in the world.

After I returned from Argentina I found myself thinking that my life was going to be a failure.  My biggest goal back then was to marry someone, have a few kids and become a housewife for the rest of my life, I killed my dreams, I killed my ambition and told myself a lie that I wasn’t good at anything. I remember dating some guy from the block, sometimes I’d go help him with his store,  I wasn’t happy in that relationship but it was the only thing I had at the time, or at least that was what I thought. He broke up with me and told me it was the best for both of us if we went in different directions, that day I felt like the only thing I had in my life was vanishing away, I felt alone, abandoned and the thoughts of not being good enough were stronger than ever. I was devastated.

No job, no relationship, no life, no future, no NADA! I felt like my life was ending. I spent weeks crying, but now I’m aware that I wasn’t sad for breaking up with him, I was devastated for realizing how miserable my life was. I had absolutely nothing to fight for, I had no goals and more than once I felt like it was time to end it all. I couldn’t see an open door, I was alone.

Out of nowhere I found in my house a book that talked about “frequency  & positive stuff” a book that talked about the law of attraction and other concepts that I wasn’t familiar with, I read a few pages and started changing little by little my outlook in life.

For some reason I ended up joining a Catholic group and started going to church every day and praying to Mary and things I’ve never done in my life, it felt good at the time and bought great things to my life. I was so involved with the church and it opened a door to go back to University, they helped me with a half scholarship and all I had to do was find the rest of the money. It was 2012 and I needed around $500 for the first semester. I still had no job, no money, but was decided to find a way to make it work.

I remembered that one time someone told me about this particular job on the internet where you can make some money typing some documents in a Notary, so I started looking at the ads in the newspaper about it. I called a few places and I was kinda shocked and scared when I realized there was no such thing as typing documents. It was  doing erotic shows on the internet for people outside Colombia. I freaked out and just hung up, being naked on the internet?, hell no! that’s not what I want to do, sounds kinda scary, then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong if I went in that direction. I was petrified, I always saw myself as an ugly person, why would someone want to see me on the internet? why would someone pay for that? As weird as it sounds, it wasn’t a moral discomfort what was bothering me like people would expect, it was the fact that I though no one could possibly like me, after all… thinking I’m not good enough was something that I kept in my mind for many years.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00