My Online FemDom experience.

Submitting to a man was always one of my fantasies since I can recall, that’s how I discovered my sexuality, perhaps that is what I thought sex was supposed to be, men are physically stronger, there was no doubt of that for me. When I started my journey as a CamGirl I didn’t understand many things, one of them was the desire some men had for a woman to take control. To be honest it felt wrong just hearing about such a thing.

I met a guy in February 2015, let’s call him “Steve”, he was always very generous, funny and polite, a good looking guy around my age that was finishing his college degree. We became great friends and after a few months of close friendship we met in person, he came to visit me in Colombia. I wasn’t after a romantic relationship at the time and he was ok with that, we hung out and he would literally fill my house with really expensive presents, top brand cameras, fancy jewelry, perfumes, you name it. He literally put the world at my feet, knowing nothing will happen between us.

Steve never crossed any lines, he was a giver, never a taker. I had strong feelings for him, sometimes he would take me on a Private Show (is one of those things on camsites, when guys pay per minute so they have the girl for themselves without distractions) he would want me to call him names… naughty names. I got blurry memories of him holding his credit card with his mouth and being on his knees for me to see him on the webcam, I don’t know for sure if that was his idea or mine, but I remember clearly laughing and trying to hide it. I enjoyed telling Steve what to do: stripping for me, dancing and being available almost 24/7 but what got me off the most was stopping him from pleasing himself while he was watching me, he wasn’t allowed to play, just watch. It was an amazing experience, something that happened naturally but didn’t last long. After a few months, Steve and I stopped talking, I still remember him, his smile and the way he made me feel. It took me years to realized that Steve was into something I didn’t understand at the time, that now became my biggest turn on in the world: Female Domination.

It was the middle of March 2017 when I met Mathew, he seemed very generous, especially on nights when we were drinking. Shots here, shots there, dancing and fun, I was pretty shocked seeing the amount of tokens he would spend with me after a few drinks, but nothing really strange happened for a couple of months. We were just getting to know each other, but if I’m completely honest in those days I started to discover a new side of me, I became bossy. That’s the word… BOSSY!

One night after a few drinks I started commanding Mathew to do things for me, it happened effortlessly. I asked him to buy me drinks that I sell for 500 tokens (about $50), he just couldn’t say no to me. That night he did exactly EVERYTHING I wanted him to and to be honest, it turned me a lot having that kind of power over a man I haven’t even touched. The more we drank the more wild I got, I wanted to cause him pain, I still don’t know why, my whole goal was to make him regret that night forever. He spent over $4000 with me that night and I can assure you he didn’t regret it. I wanted him to be mine, I kept saying it. We went on with these games for a few months. The truth is a part of me was feeling worried and guilty about the amount of money he was spending. We never reached that point of confidence and trust that is needed for this type of relationship.

We talked about setting boundaries a few times, he wanted me to write a contract for our relationship but I didn’t know what I was doing, so nothing came of that. Things started to feel awkward for me but we kept going. He had some interesting sex toys at home that I’d ask him to use at certain times. I was very unsure of everything, I didn’t know much about this person and started to feel uncomfortable with everything going on. In the end, the lack of communication became more evident. It didn’t take long for things to fall apart and we both moved on with our lives, I just began to think this whole domination thing wasn’t for me, but overall it was an interesting experience.

I kept doing my regular cam days, going with the flow and almost forgot about what happened with those guys. During September 2018 Amador came to my life. He’s one of those guys with the super power of bringing the best out of people, it didn’t take long for us to become close friends, he was always fun and respectful in my chatroom, everyone liked him. My face would brighten up every time I saw him online. He was very special to me, I felt his wonderful energy since the first time we spoke and I owe him big time because he helped me get out of a hole during a bad time.

One night while I was online I started asking him questions, those that know me well are aware of my curiosity. I wanted to know about his sex life and I noticed the vibe changed. Amador confessed he’s never been in a conventional relationship his whole life, he always paid for pleasure and never admitted that to anyone. I could tell he was embarrassed to admit he has been with prostitutes in the past, but if you ask me, I was beyond fascinated. I liked him even more and my curiosity kept growing.

After that day our connection became stronger, I could see through him, he could see through me, it was wonderful. I started to notice some behavior in him, it was obvious he liked to be dominated. One night during one of my shows I secretly commanded him when and how to orgasm, making him edge for a while… it really turned me on knowing he was following my instructions, we both released at the same time. It felt amazing and I wanted more. At that point there was no doubt in me I wanted to own him,  –“be mine”-, I told him. Amador has never been owned by a woman before and the whole idea was getting us both off.

I want to clarify I don’t have much knowledge about this domination thing, he didn’t either so we promised each other to figure things out together. There’s a limit on the amount of things you can do from a distance, especially when I’m online. Everything started slow, while I was streaming I’d  hesitate to ask him to buy a certain amount of tokens, I wanted to test him, but after my experiences in the past, I felt insecure. He meant too much as a friend to mess things up. I remember shaking, feeling my heart race, and my hands sweating after saying –“buy 200 tokens”-. I know some of you might think it’s about getting extra money, but it’s not that simple, it’s all about taking control and him trusting enough to know I will never do anything that gets him in trouble. Sometimes he would take a while to do a token purchase and I would die with anxiety until I saw the tokens in his account. I’m sure he had his doubts at first too but we manage to communicate properly and set boundaries on time.

We went on with our little games for a while, every time I increased the amount of tokens I wanted him to buy, as I denied him pleasure for days. I begged him many times to let me see him on the webcam, but he kept saying he was a very shy man. A few weeks passed and I was developing feelings for a guy I’ve never seen. One night he surprised me, he opened his webcam and he was wearing one of those BDSM masks. That’s when I felt it was real, we needed to set financial boundaries.

Asking Amador how much money he made per week felt strange, but besides the fun I wanted him to stay out of trouble financially. I care for him. I started setting up some rules, asked him to start dividing his money and to be more organized with his finances, but he gave that power to me. He opened a PayPal account where I have control of how much he spends and how he spends it. Every day he puts into that joint account 2.6% of his salary, adding up to a 79% per month (that amount was entirely his choice). I’m the only person allowed to spend it, this includes a monthly allowance I send him for good behavior or purchase of sex toys.

Amador took his role extremely serious and wrote down a 10 pages contract with the terms of our new relationship. It really freaked me out at first, it seemed like so much work I almost pulled out a few times, I was literally in control of his life. Amador made it easy for me, he did his homework well. It took us about a month to come out with the right contract, we both changed and discussed things over the days. I wanted to make sure he was ok with my demands and everything fit us both perfectly.

Since October 28th I own him officially, in a way I have never owned anyone before. He’s mine but I’m not his, he knows his place, never asks for anything from me and addresses me as Mistress while I address him as pet. We’re both learning together. Every command that comes out of my mind he does immediately just to please me, which raised my confidence to ask for more every time, it stopped being about money/tokens. Some days I don’t even ask him to give me $1, instead I want him to do chores around his house. Amador admitted he had troubles hoarding for many years, I wish you guys could see how amazing his room looks now or how much weight he has lost since we met. He admitted he is a better person because of me and I can 110% guarantee I’m a better person because of him. In a way, I’m the one in charge of his personal care and I love it.

Our sessions over the internet got more intense every time, it surprises me the things a man can do to please a woman, I got him wearing a cock cage that he takes off only by command, I guess that’s one of the things I like the most, that he can feel me all the time with him. He’s always waiting for me before I get online and has never failed at performing a task. His love and devotion keeps growing stronger and I gotta admit I love pushing his limits, by now we have a wonderful collection of toys that I’m afraid to mention here, but I assure you I never knew there was so much pleasure in pain.

Amador has really expanded my mind and the way I see the world, he gives me confidence and during stressful times, he’s there as a friend to lift my spirits. We agreed to never have any personal contact at the beginning of our journey and words fail to express my gratitude for all he’s done knowing nothing is going to pass this point.

I never thought I could care this much for a person and make them do the kind of things I make Amador perform for me. I’m afraid you guys are not ready for the freak that lives inside of me but I promise I will share more about this adventure in a future post.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Simoncita

This story begins in April 25th 2016.

I’ve always been trying to get into the whole fitness thing, I see so many people with those great bodies and I wanted to join the club so I hired a “fitness coach”.  He was a tall, handsome muscular man. He gave me a list of workouts and a list of ingredients to make a bunch of weird food.

I’m one of those people that likes to start things on Mondays, so of course I did my grocery shopping on a Monday afternoon. That day I walked to the mall to buy for the first time the ingredients for my first healthy meal. It was around 6:00pm and I was heading to the butcher to buy a bunch of meat and chicken for my recipes. That’s when I saw him, a blonde beautiful and perfect furry ball walking into the mall like he owned the place, I kept looking around wondering who was brave enough to walk into a mall with a dog without a leash. But is like no one else besides the security guard and me noticed his presence there, he kicked the little dog out and I ran behind him.

I kept looking around outside yelling to everyone around, –“¿De quién es este perrito?”- (Who is the owner of this dog?). But people just stared at me saying nothing. I dropped my grocery bags, went on my knees, took off my jacket and wrapped him in it to take him to my apartment. I kept talking to the little dog the whole way, asking him where his parents were and why was he going to the mall. I entered the building and the security guard asked me if I got a new dog. I nodded, she asked me –“¿Cómo se llama el perrito”?- (What’s the name of the little dog?) I said Simón. A name I always liked for a dog, wasn’t hard for me to think of a name quickly, he totally looked like a Simón.

I entered my apartment with this furry ball in my arms and let him run around. Jaco (my 1 year old Golden Retriever) smelled the intruder, then the little dog ran into my bedroom and peed. That’s when I noticed he was a girl. –“OK, I guess you’re Simona now”– I thought.

I served her a big plate of food she lay down on the floor and just ate, a bit afraid of Jaco, but after a few minutes they became best friends as you can see in the first picture I took of them. She made herself at home while outside a big storm was starting. I was so glad she was under a roof with food in her belly that night. That’s the day I met what I always called “my soul dog”.

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I never knew what happened to her before we found each other, I wondered for months if she had a home and got lost, or if her family kicked her out from their house or if she simply was born and lived on the street always. So many questions with no answer, but the only thing I was certain is that she wasn’t going back to the streets ever.

The next morning I took them both for a walk, she didn’t know that her name was Simona or that I was going to protect her and be her mom, so the first chance she got she ran away. I was chasing her for a few blocks, yelling her name so loud hoping someone would grab her for me. Finally we got to a corner and I put her on the leash. I was so scared I’d lose her but it felt like she was very afraid of me.

After that we went to the vet and made sure she was in good condition. I put posters on the missing dogs pages but no one ever called. I even went to all the buildings around asking security guards if they’ve seen her before but got no positive answers, but I was kinda hoping I could keep her. Simona was such a blessing in my life, oh and before I carry on, after the first day when she escaped she never left my side during walks. She seemed scared of being left behind. No matter how many dogs were playing in the park she would mostly stay by me. She liked people more than she liked dogs, funny thing I like dogs way more than I like people. We were perfect for each other.

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What can I say about her? She was very little, loved the attention, and was the one that taught me how to play fetch, the only dog I’ve known that likes to cuddle, she was the type of dog that made everyone feel special, that was her super power. Like no matter how your day was or how you feel about yourself she’d make you feel like the king of the world. Jaco has always been a serious dog, he has the personality of a guide dog but Simona was always crazy. Every time I finished a cam session she’d run up to me and lick my face, jump around and made me feel like the most amazing girl. When days were bad she was always jumping around to make me forget about the stress, she could cheer anyone up, she was magical.

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My dogs were one of my biggest motivations to leave Colombia, when I visited the USA, I noticed those big houses with backyards and dogs running around like in the movies and that’s what I wanted. Taking 2 dogs to the USA was a whole mission but seeing them both running in the snow and living in a house with a backyard was a dream come true.

Life was awesome! I mean, not every day you see a street dog from Bogotá running in the snow in a small town in New England, do you? The back yard as you can see was enormous and they had all the supervised freedom they wanted.

There was the time for a vacation after all that moving right? So I took a trip to N.Z. (New Zealand), one of my favorite places in the world, in May that year. I took advantage of my family visiting so they could look after my babies. Things went well, they were happy to look after the house and spoil my dogs while I was away.

After my trip I started to considering living in N.Z. the time zone was really appealing for cam time, I felt safe there too, did some research and a couple months later I took another trip there to see how I feel, check a few places where I could possibly move to, etc. I needed to make sure I had everything I needed for when the moment came.

July was ending and I guess the idea of leaving my dogs in a kennel seemed mean, especially to Simona, she always slept with me on the bed cuddling, I guess she needed that extra love. When I left her in a kennel for a day or two in the past I felt like my heart started to fall into pieces. I did what I thought it was right. I got my parents tickets from Bogotá to Boston again so they could look after Jaco and Simona during my trip. I didn’t want them to be sad, my parents had looked after them many times so I was very relaxed.

The day I was leaving I was running late for the airport so I left kinda quick without kissing both my dogs, the trip wasn’t going to be that long and they were in good hands, I left feeling good. On this trip, I took a few things with me, including my diaries for the past few years. I wanted to entertain my mind on the plane reading my own old stories.

It was winter down in N.Z. So most of the time I was inside the house where I stayed reading my old diary. On August 8th before I went to bed I read so many pages from the year before and started to wonder why I spend all of my energy with people from MyFreeCams. I didn’t like the person I was becoming, all I cared about back then was my rank on the website I worked for, thats when I told myself I need to focus more on my happiness and started to wonder if maybe what I was doing wasn’t making me as happy anymore.

The night of August 9th I watched for the first time a video where Oprah was talking I was so inspired that night I felt my heart beating so hard as I wrote in my diary -“Siento que cosas mágicas van a pasar cuando logre enfocarme en las cosas correctas”- (“I feel like magical things are going to happen when I manage to focus on the right things”). I wrote so much that night, I felt like it was the beginning of a new me. I decided that night not to let my job as a CamGirl dictate who I was. I wanted to spend more time working on myself, making that decision made me feel like I was heading on right direction, then I went to sleep with an enormous sense of peace.

On August 10th I woke up happy, ready to make a few changes. I was brushing my teeth and got a text from my parents asking me to Skype them. I told them I was gonna call them after I ate my breakfast, then the friend I had in the USA texted me asking me if I have spoken to my parents yet. That’s when I froze, something was wrong and believe me, as I write this I feel the same pain I felt that day. I immediately called him and said -“What the fuck is going on?”- He was crying and told me Simona got out of the house earlier that day and she got hit by a car, I just said -“Just tell me she’s going to be ok”- he took a breathe and said the most painful words I’ve heard in my entire life,  -“She passed away”-. I hung up, I couldn’t believe it, never in my life until that moment I knew what it was like to scream out cause of a broken heart.

It took me days to realize I was never going to see her again, I was so angry asking myself over and over WHY??? Is like the moment I got clarity and started focusing on being a better me a tragedy happened. I still don’t understand why. Why her? Why was the driver going over the speed limit? Why none of the people walking by stopped and grabbed her? Why my dad lost track of her? Why the fuck didn’t I keep the collar for the electric fence on her? Can you believe I just felt so bad for her and I couldn’t imagine her feeling any kind of pain so I took it off? Why didn’t I leave her at the kennel? Why did I leave Colombia? Why wasn’t I there? Why? Why? Why?

I stopped writing on my diaries for weeks. All I can remember is pain, anger and frustrations. When I got back to the USA Simona’s ashes got given to me in a wood box, inside a green paper bag with condolences notes. I couldn’t even look at my parents in the eye. I was so mad at them. I was so mad at me. I was so mad at God.

There’s not enough words to describe what she truly meant to me. On the outside I was pretending to be strong, never let my parents know how I was really feeling. Never screamed out of pain in front of anyone. But it hurt like you can’t imagine, and still does, perhaps it’ll always hurt, but it is a pain I’m learning to live with and deal with the sadness every once in a while.

It has been 332 days since Simona left this world. I still struggle to find the woman I was before I lost her, I gave away all my money trying to find answers, trying to find “me” again but I guess that person is gone. The one writing this is the one who’s left and I’m still getting adjusted to the changes.

Good bye Simona.

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The land of the free?

Arriving to JFK airport was a relief, I was really concerned about my dogs but as soon as I saw them near the baggage claim barking like there was no tomorrow I felt a lot of peace. Exiting the airport was the big challenge for me, I had never experienced in my life temperatures below 30F and of course I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. The friend I had picked me up and drove to the home I rented at a distance, a small house in New England. It was right on the boarder between Connecticut & Massachusetts. It was a strange feeling every time I went to the store, went to get Chipotle or buy groceries it’d be in a different state.

I remember arriving to the house and letting my dogs out to run around on the huge property. My back yard looked more like a big forest than part of a house. The inside was cozy and had a bath, I always wanted to live in a house with a bath, it was one of the happiest days of my life and there was me and my 2 furry babies ready to start a new life. I had nothing there besides some furniture that was already in the house so I took my first trip to Costco to spend nearly $800 USD on “kitchen appliances”. (I’m sure some Americans can relate to a trip to Costco that gets out of hand)

There’s so many things I love about the USA, I mean, being there has been the dream of my life since I can remember, not gonna lie, I love everything about that country. Simple things like feeling safe driving, texting while I’m walking on the street without looking behind my shoulder wondering if someone would rob me was a luxury I didn’t have in Colombia. I got used to those things pretty quick.

Most people see the United States as a land of freedom, and I want to open up today to you guys and confess I never had a sense of freedom while I was there. As you know, I got someone’s help to rent a house and do a few things I couldn’t do for my own at the time, so most of the basic things over there weren’t even under my name. It was all on him, the car, the house, the power bill, even the goddam internet. I felt like I owed that guy my soul, so the whole time I was living there I felt obligated to be “his”, not in a romantic way or anything similar, but I can tell you it was a toxic relationship that obligated me to invite him to everything, hang out almost every weekend and I never let myself get involved with the community or made a effort to meet anyone else.

Unfortunately I messed up my small paradise by coping with a toxic person for so long, things weren’t fair for both sides and I was too blind to realize I gave this person absolute control over my life. Many times I felt scared and obligated to do things I didn’t want to. Are you obligated to be someone’s friend because they are helping you when no one else is willing to? Maybe, maybe not. But there I was living in my dream place feeling like I wasn’t the owner of my life it felt more like I was some kind of prisoner.

I remember many good times, as everything in life is not only black or white. One of my favorite memories I got is the time my whole family visited. They arrived to the airport in Boston and I picked them up holding an American flag and small blue hats (The ones people use during 4th of July) Colombians can be a bit dramatic when it comes to seeing family after some time apart. During their visit, I took them to my favorite places. Museums, the zoo, the aquarium but they seemed more interested in going shopping, so the perfect plan for them was to go to Walmart or places like Ross to get cool stuff for a small price. Just so you have an idea, they arrived with 2 checked bags and left the USA with 8 (plus they left a bag full of clothes that they couldn’t fit in their luggage).

One of my sweetest memories was the time I took my parents to Chipotle for the first time. The face my dad made after taking his first bite was hilarious. Honestly the way I can describe it is like he just tasted heaven and came back to earth, he kept moaning loudly and repeating how good it was until everyone started looking at us and my mom yelled at him to shut up (All angry Latina mom style). It was embarrassingly awesome, perhaps that’s one of the reasons of why I love that place so much.

That summer with my family there was one of the most beautiful times of my life, we took a road trip to New York, Washington D.C and got to see Niagara Falls, it was all a dream and I remember it all with a grateful heart, how funny is that the happiest moments I ever had there was with my family, those wonderful people I left behind with the hope to get a better life. Sometimes I think I’m more attached to them than I realize.

Life was great, but things changed after August I can say there’s two of me: Before and After August 2017, that’s the time when my whole world went down hill.

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Good bye Mom & Dad!

I used to spend hours googling how to do a better in this job, after all, sneaking online from my parents house wasn’t giving me the best results. I found a few blogs and by chance, met a camgirl that was giving advice to other girls in the industry. Sometimes the universe conspires to give you exactly what you need.

When I got back from my first trip to the U.S I started to see and feel things differently. The whole hiding to be able to get online didn’t feel right anymore. It was absolutely no way to get myself anywhere. I wasn’t comfortable with the space where I was so I decided to move in with the girl I met. It was impossible for me to rent a place for myself back then, so the roommate experience was exactly what I needed.

I didn’t have a penny, not even to afford the truck taking my small bed (my only possession) to her apartment but I was sure things would work out perfectly. It was one of those times when you know everything is going to be alright, but you got no evidence, no proof. Something inside of me kept giving me strength and confidence.

Telling my parents I was leaving wasn’t easy, I’m not sure how things are where you guys are from, but in Colombia, most of the people my age (I was 22 back then) live with their parents. My mom cried, she told me she thought she was going to have me longer then said -“Definitivamente los hijos son prestados”-, which I’m not sure how to translate LOL. My dad hugged me and called my uncles to celebrate that I was becoming a responsible adult.

Leaving my parents house was a goodbye to “Sofi_Angell”. The person taking the camgirl thing serious sounded more like “SofiaStorm”, and ever since then I haven’t changed my name back. I arrived to the cozy apartment with my parents and siblings, every step, every big decision, they were always there. I had 2 small boxes with clothes, a bed and a table my sister gave me. I was really intimidated being away from “home” but I was absolutely sure it was the beginning of something awesome.

The first night at the new place was rough, it was like adulthood hit me for the first time. I had to make sure I’d take being a camgirl seriously. I had to pay rent, buy my own food and make sure I was still maintaining my grades at University but it took me a while to get back on track.

My room was small, the walls were plain white and it had a blue curtain. When I started getting online I wasn’t making tons of money but I earned enough to make it through the days, slowly I started to meet new friends. I was happy, here’s an old screenshot I found, so you can see how happy I was 🙂

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Along the way I had the chance to meet other camgirls, I even went to a conference once to learn more about this industry and how to do better. Being around other girls started reinforcing my beliefs that I wasn’t good at this job, all the girls at that conference were all done up, absolutely gorgeous and then there was me, awkwardly trying to fit in. I started feeling discouraged by seeing the amount of girls way prettier than me making tons of money, I was thinking perhaps I should focus on doing something else, but the responsibilities made me stay and try my best to enjoy it.

I stayed with my roommate for about a year, then finally got the courage to get my own place, it was my dream apartment right next to my university on the 17th floor. Being on my own was even a bigger responsibility but with time I made it work. I met awesome people on MyFreeCams and all of the sudden everything was going great for me. New house, new life, I even got a precious dog. Life was going awesome and work was going better than ever. (Pic of my first week online after I moved)

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After about 2 months of happiness and feeling like I owned the world I started freaking out about college, I was just about to finish all my grades and the next 2 years were going to be about practical work or as I said “working for free”. On average, a psychologist makes around $1,000 USD a month in Colombia, but if you’re starting, you probably make half of it if you’re lucky, but more than likely less.

At the time I was making around $8,000 USD per month, if I kept going to school, it’d mean I’d have to take a lot of time off to do the practical work and still I’d have to go to University, I had to choose between finishing my career as a psychologist or starting a full time one as a camgirl. My final decision wasn’t hard to make at all.

I didn’t really have close friends at University, I never did. So leaving without telling anyone wasn’t much of a challenge. I started putting all my focus and attention on my job and started seeing better results, but every day I was becoming more and more isolated. In my case it is hard to make friends in what I call “the real word”, most people make conversation about what they do for a living and back then I wasn’t ready to tell anyone –“I take my clothes off for money on the internet”-. Life started getting really lonely.

My way to handle the isolation and loneliness ended up teaching me a lot of life lessons that I’m grateful for today. I became really close with some of the members on the site, developed feelings and all kinds of emotions. Things started to feel “too real” but I guess all I wanted was a friend, someone to talk to and maybe feel normal? I don’t even know how to call my stupidity from a few years ago. I got blinded by my own emotions and my need to connect with people that I agreed to meet some guys in person and meeting guys face to face rarely ends well from my own experience.

Many things happened, things I’ve never spoken about before. I found myself having to go to the police multiple times, life became a nightmare after being abused physically and mentally by a member from the site. My family suffered harassment and many times I felt like my life was in danger. The stalker experience was absolutely the most traumatic experience I’ve had in my life. I’m really grateful everything ended after filling a lot paperwork and giving evidence it in a court house in the USA. That’s indeed one of the darkest moments of my life as a camgirl.

On the other hand, besides all the mentally unstable people in this world, I can confidently say that I made pretty awesome friends in this community, my heart feels warm when I think about the times we share our life experiences together and connect in a environment where we all feel safe.

At the beginning of 2017 I decided that I wanted to leave Colombia, I had my apartment with everything I’d always wanted, I had my dream car, my dream life but I knew it was time to move to the next step, I had this burning desire for a new life. I’ve grown up in an environment where you’re scared of everything, I felt unsafe driving, walking my dogs or even crossing the street to go to the mall. In my heart I knew Colombia wasn’t my home anymore. I gave away everything I owned and worked so hard to get, but with the help of an friend I had in the USA I got a place in a small town in New England and again, it was time to say “good bye” to my parents, It was going to be way more difficult to visit them now.

I cried the whole way from Aeropuerto Internacional El Dorado till I made it to JFK International Airport. Seeing the sad look in grandma’s eyes broke my heart, leaving Colombia was a mix of tears and excitement that I remember with nostalgia. Being away from everything and everyone I knew was a challenge. A whole new life was waiting for me and I was ready to achieve another one of my everlasting dreams… to live in America.

 

 

 

 

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Pretty enough?

At the time I was seeing a guy from back in high school, we’d been dating for about a month, we went to the pub every weekend, he was the bad influence type of guy, but I was enjoying what we had, he was perhaps all I needed. It was fun, but the relationship was lacking desire, it was like a never ending party but nothing more. One of those weekends we spent the night with some of his friends drinking and smoking menthol cigarettes, everyone went to sleep around 4:00am.

I went to a room with him, he laid down and fell asleep without even trying a move, –am I not pretty enough for you?- I thought. I felt rejected and sad again. I found myself awake, looking at him sleeping and wondering why he wouldn’t want me. The hours passed and all I could think of was, if people on the internet would want me at all and what if they would? The idea didn’t seem so bad at that time. I was only wearing panties a loose shirt without a bra sitting at the edge of the bed still looking at him wondering if he even found me attractive at all, I felt pretty that night, pretty enough to take off my clothes to show my naked body without feeling shame but nobody there willing to see it.

I spent the whole night awake, reading back the pages of my old diary that I used to carry everywhere. I was embarrassed realizing how pathetic my life was getting again, dating a man because I was bored and hoping for him to show me my worth. I was an expert at jumping from relationship to relationship, terrified of being alone. I needed someone to believe in me, to see the good things about me I could no longer find.

The sun came out, I was there, restless checking how much money I had, I found a 20,000 COP bill (no more than $7) that’s all I had, not much, but enough to get a decent breakfast and get around the city. I left before he woke up, walked to the bus station with my mind going a million miles per hour, my heart racing with sadness, the strangest and most unwanted feeling in the world. I took an empty bus and sat at the back, I was going home. The bus was heading south of the city and was going to pass Chapinero, an area near the center of the city, I remember then, that’s where those “erotic shows places” were. I quickly checked my diary, I had the addresses and the phone numbers of those places I wrote just in case.

I was still terrified, but without thinking I left the bus at Calle 45 station, my hunt for a new job started. It felt like a walk of shame, since the minute I left the bus, like if every person there knew exactly what I was doing, where I was going, their eyes were judging me at least they were in my head.

I walked for about 15 minutes and made it to the first place, an old rusty house in the middle of a normal neighborhood, I knocked on the door, a young woman came out and greeted me -“I’m here to find out about the job”-, I said. She smiled and waved me to come in. I remember a few things, sometimes my mind went blank, the place was overwhelming, my hands were sweating, and my knees were weak. There was a few big rooms with blankets to divide the space where the girls worked, there was no intimacy, dirty mattresses on the floor and old computers with webcams, it smelt like humidity and sadness, I was petrified, just staring at the environment then a girl wrapped on a blanket ran in front of me heading quickly to the bathroom, she seemed happy, I was thinking she probably just made a lot of money taking off her clothes.

The tour around the place kept going, it was time to talk to the owner downstairs, he was a middle age guy, who gave me a strong hand shake while telling me proudly how the police don’t come as often as they used to, -Police, is this job even legal?– I thought. He explained a little bit how the work was done, -“You take privates and charge per minute, take off your clothes and do a show”- he said, I still had no idea what a private was, it felt like he was speaking in a whole different language -“You can make around 3’000,000 COP ($1000) a month working full time”- looking at me with a perky smile, I looked at the girl that opened the door with doubt in my eyes, she was next to me and told me –“you’re going to love this, it’s amazing”-I was only wondering if the guy would masturbate watching the girls that worked there on his computer, I got even more scared than I already was, that place wasn’t for me, I thanked them and went home feeling dirty, like if being in that place took away a part of me. The excitement was gone, all was left was shame and guilt. -How did I end up here?– I wondered while I was on the crowded bus going home.

The days passed and I was running out of time, It was the beginning of July 2012 and University was starting soon, I had less options to get the money I needed and if I didn’t get it on time I’d lose the scholarship. –Taking off your clothes can’t be that hard-, I kept thinking, -maybe I just needed to find a better place to do it-, I looked around the web a little more, called a few places and made appointments to visit other possible work options, printed my CV and found my best clothes to wear in my job interview. I was ready to take my clothes off, ready to be seen and get paid for it, this was the beginning of a new me.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00

Where do I start?

A close friend of mine told me: “start from the beginning”…

I grew up in Bogotá, Colombia, in a small and humble neighborhood in the south of the city. My whole life I experienced ups and downs with my family’s financial situation. Sometimes we had enough, sometimes we ended up having to “borrow water” from the neighbors. It was hard when water company would suspend the service due to non payment. When I was 12 my parents couldn’t afford to send me to school so I spent a whole year in the house, mostly on the roof staring at the people walking and watching tv. I enjoyed talking to the owners of the stores on my street during this time. I had no friends my age to go out and play with, so I made friends with the people that had stores and small businesses around the block, I was so happy! They taught me about life, mistakes, told me stories and one of them even hired me as manicure assistant.

Time passed and things got better, we moved to another neighborhood and had mesmerizing experiences for about 2 years, until I finished high school. My biggest dream was to study psychology for the same reason most do… “to help people”  however, when it was time to start college my family situation got bad again. We went back to the old house and there was no money to fund my dream, it was 2009 and the semester for Psychology was about $1,000. My family made a huge effort to help me and I started my journey, but after a year they couldn’t pay it anymore. That was it, I felt my dream was gone.

After looking around a bit I got a job at a vacations center in a small town near Bogotá. I was helping with activities for families, the experience was fun. We learned how to talk in public, direct aerobics, learned choreographies for dancing performances and became part of a community that truly believed magic was real. “Mystic” was the word we used there, it referred to doing our job out of love, putting our heart in it and not just doing it for payment, that was the greatest lesson I got from my first real job.

I was there for about a year then took some time to procrastinate life, took some jobs at libraries or call centers till I had enough to travel. I backpacked down South America for a couple months, slept at train stations, had to ask people on the street for money to eat but it  still felt like most exciting adventure in the world.

After I returned from Argentina I found myself thinking that my life was going to be a failure.  My biggest goal back then was to marry someone, have a few kids and become a housewife for the rest of my life, I killed my dreams, I killed my ambition and told myself a lie that I wasn’t good at anything. I remember dating some guy from the block, sometimes I’d go help him with his store,  I wasn’t happy in that relationship but it was the only thing I had at the time, or at least that was what I thought. He broke up with me and told me it was the best for both of us if we went in different directions, that day I felt like the only thing I had in my life was vanishing away, I felt alone, abandoned and the thoughts of not being good enough were stronger than ever. I was devastated.

No job, no relationship, no life, no future, no NADA! I felt like my life was ending. I spent weeks crying, but now I’m aware that I wasn’t sad for breaking up with him, I was devastated for realizing how miserable my life was. I had absolutely nothing to fight for, I had no goals and more than once I felt like it was time to end it all. I couldn’t see an open door, I was alone.

Out of nowhere I found in my house a book that talked about “frequency  & positive stuff” a book that talked about the law of attraction and other concepts that I wasn’t familiar with, I read a few pages and started changing little by little my outlook in life.

For some reason I ended up joining a Catholic group and started going to church every day and praying to Mary and things I’ve never done in my life, it felt good at the time and bought great things to my life. I was so involved with the church and it opened a door to go back to University, they helped me with a half scholarship and all I had to do was find the rest of the money. It was 2012 and I needed around $500 for the first semester. I still had no job, no money, but was decided to find a way to make it work.

I remembered that one time someone told me about this particular job on the internet where you can make some money typing some documents in a Notary, so I started looking at the ads in the newspaper about it. I called a few places and I was kinda shocked and scared when I realized there was no such thing as typing documents. It was  doing erotic shows on the internet for people outside Colombia. I freaked out and just hung up, being naked on the internet?, hell no! that’s not what I want to do, sounds kinda scary, then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong if I went in that direction. I was petrified, I always saw myself as an ugly person, why would someone want to see me on the internet? why would someone pay for that? As weird as it sounds, it wasn’t a moral discomfort what was bothering me like people would expect, it was the fact that I though no one could possibly like me, after all… thinking I’m not good enough was something that I kept in my mind for many years.

coffee

Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.

$5.00